Joke

[Sugarcane]

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Image removed by sender.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

In five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Police Dog, Fire Truck, a Paramedic, and an residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Kurama]

 

[BeyondHeretic]

-Why are Israeli weapons starting to get less and less scarier ?
-Cause of Soviet Russia !

 

[RayOfLight]

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

 

[Marshmallow]

 

[BeyondHeretic]

-Why so few Israelis cried at the funeral of ariel Sharon?
-Cause they've been crying all the past 8 years

 

[BeyondHeretic]

-Why did the Israelis use jeeps in the 80s and Humvees in the 90s?
-Cause they were fighting the irish in the 80s and then Palestinians in the 90s

 

[BeyondHeretic]

-What is the difference between the Uzi and the Tavor?
-Tavor is legit

 

[Sugarcane]

A US special agent pulled up to a ranch house in Texas and talked with an older rancher.

He told the rancher, “I need to search your ranch for an escaped fugitive we believe to be in the area.” The rancher said, “Okay no problem, but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the field.

The agent verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his coat pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?!

This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores as the agent headed straight out to the field.

A short time later, the rancher heard a loud scream coming from the direction of the field. He looked up and saw the agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Texan Bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the agent, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..

“YOUR BADGE, show him your f..... BADGE ! !”

 

[Sugarcane]

A guy goes to the Royal Mail to apply for a job as a Delivery Office Manager.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[Spring Onion]

For Nawaz Sharif lovers


One day Nawaz Sharif walked into a branch of a bank to cash a cheque. (It was the day when he was pretending to be Khalifa Haroon ur Rashid).
As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning. Could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Ca
s
hier,"It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Nawaz: "Well I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nawaz Sharif, the Prime Minister."
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc., I must insist on proof of identity."


Nawaz: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Nawaz: "I need this cheque cashed urgently."


Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way. One day Wasim Akram came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Wasim Akram he bowled an old ball and with the reverse swing hit a single stump at the back yard of the branch. With that we knew him to be Wasim Akram and cashed his cheque."


"Another time, Afridi came in without ID. He picked up a tree branch and made a fabulous shot making the cricket ball landed three blocks outside the bank. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.



So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister?"
Nawaz stood there thinking (he does that sometime!) and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will you like large or small notes, Mr. Prime Minister?"

 

[Sugarcane]

This is an "actual letter" from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2009 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------kiddingme? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anythingmentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.....

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

 

[Dem!god]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

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A Boyfriend sends a message to his girlfriend on WhatsApp...

Boyfriend - Hi.

Girlfriend - Hello.

Boyfriend - Kahan par ho?

Girlfriend: Main apne papa ki BMW mein club ja rahi hun, abhi driver mujhe club chor dega, uske baad mall mein shopping ke liye jaungi, tab tumhe call karti hun, tum kahan par ho?

Boyfriend: 401 no ki bus mein, TUMHARI SEAT SE 2 SEATS PEECHE, TUM TICKET MAT LENA Maine Le Li hai...!!!

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Ek college ke final years ke kuch boys ek group banakar tirth yatra par jaate hain.

Yakinan saare students young the isliye group leader ne kaha, "Hum sab tirthyatra par ja rahe hain, bhagwaan ke darshanon ke liye. Isliye koi aisi waisi harkat mat karna ya koi ulti-seedhi baat mat bolna. Agar tumhe koi sundar ladki dikhayi di to apni aankhein band kar lena aur kehna, 'Hari Om'."

Thodi der baad ek ladke ne apni aankhein band karli aur bola, "Hari Om!!!"

Sabhi ladke: Kahan hai? Kahan hai?

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A Pakistani tourist walks in to a top of the line hotel in Dubai and orders a top floor suite.

The next day he approaches the receptionist with angry and unpleasant expression, he asked her:

You said their will be a free wife in every room why I have not got mine.

The receptionist says, "It is Wi-Fi sir, not wife."

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@chak de INDIA @levina @BDforever

 

[Dem!god]

Beauty of ENGLISH-
Ever noticed how deleting one word after another in a sentence can lead to a nice story ?

Here's an example:

"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at all .!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch me at..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont touch..!"
"Oh Jack plz dont..!"
"Oh Jack plz...!"
"Oh Jack.. !"
"Oh....!"
"O !"

 

[Dubious]

Life as a joke: