Joke

[third eye]

 

[asad71]

The King and a Donkey

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.
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However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions...

 

[asad71]

Enough is Enough

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" He asks shyly.

The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

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"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[asad71]

Be Brave, My Love!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to sleep with you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.I told him it was in the bathroom.Be strong honey. I love you too!"

 

[MastanKhan]

A Malayali was asked by God

" What would you choose---Parkinson disease ( hands shaking ) or Alzheimers ( losing memory )?

The Malayali chose Parkinsons & said: " its better to spill half a glass of whiskey than to forget where the bottle was kept ".

 

[asad71]

Three biker buddies are sitting in a bar. A man, who’s already heavily intoxicated, walks in, sits down and orders a drink.

The man looks around and sees the three bikers sitting at a table in a corner of the bar. He gets up, staggers over to their table, and leans over it.
Looking the biggest of the three men in the eye, the drunk man says: “I went by your grandma’s house and saw her completely naked in the hallway. Man she’s fine!”

The biker looks at the drunk man and doesn’t say anything. His buddies look confused, because people have had their faces kicked in for saying less than that to him in the past.

Leaning against the table once more, the drunk man says: “I got it on with your grandma too. She’s the best I ever had!”

Still no response is received from the biker, however his buddies are now starting to get angry.

The drunk man continues: “I’ll tell you something else too – your grandma loved it!”

At long last, the biker stands up and says:“Dammit Grandpa, you’re drunk! Just go home!”

 

[Signalian]

Two mathematicians were having dinner. One was complaining: ‘The average person is a mathematical idiot. People cannot do arithmetic correctly, cannot balance a checkbook, cannot calculate a tip, cannot do percents, …’ The other mathematician disagreed: ‘You’re exaggerating. People know all the math they need to know.’

Later in the dinner the complainer went to the men’s room. The other mathematician beckoned the waitress to his table and said, ‘The next time you come past our table, I am going to stop you and ask you a question. No matter what I say, I want you to answer by saying “x squared.”‘ She agreed. When the other mathematician returned, his companion said, ‘I’m tired of your complaining. I’m going to stop the next person who passes our table and ask him or her an elementary calculus question, and I bet the person can solve it.’ Soon the waitress came by and he asked: ‘Excuse me, Miss, but can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?’ The waitress replied: ‘x squared.’ The mathematician said, ‘See!’ His friend said, ‘Oh … I guess you were right.’ And the waitress said, ‘Plus a constant.’

Most of the folk doing part time jobs like hostessing, cabbing, security etc are students in univs

 

[S.U.R.B.]

@halupridol


A medical student, an Internist, a Psychiatrist, a Surgeon and a Pathologist go duck hunting. They barely find their duck blind before the first duck flies over. The Medical student is the first to raise his shotgun, but unable to tell if the duck is really a duck, he does not shoot. The Internist aims his shotgun, but can not tell if the duck is male or female and he does not shoot. The Psychiatrist has the duck framed in his sight, but then lowers his shotgun, claiming "I know this is a duck, but does the duck know he's a duck?" The Surgeon quickly raises his shotgun, aims, and without pause shoots. The duck falls to the ground. The Surgeon turns to the Pathologist. "Go figure out if that's a duck or not."

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The Sick Veterinarian​

Jack, a local veterinarian, fell ill and went to seehis doctor. She began to ask Jack all the usualquestions, such as his symptoms, and their duration, whenJack interuppted her."Look, I'm a vet, and I don't need to ask my patients allthese questions. I simply look at them and I can tellexactly what's wrong. Why can't you?"The doctor nodded as if she understood. She then lookedJack up and down, and wrote out a prescription. As shehanded him the prescription, she said "There you go. Nowof course if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you down."

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An elderly couple was attending church services.About halfway through, she leans over and says to him:"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you thinkI should do?"He leans over to her and replies:"Put a new battery in your hearing Aid...".
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An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring.The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb tohis ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth and proceedsto have a telephone conversation. When he is done, helooks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latestAmerican technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my pinky finger and the antenna is inmy hat. Great stuff, eh?"They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again,they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head toone side and proceeds to have a conversation withsomeone in German. When he finishes, he explains tothe other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip inmy ear and the antenna inserted in my spine. The wonders of German know-how!"At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearingit, the Japanese man disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each otherand then walk over to peek into the bushes. There theyfound the Japanese man, squatting with his pants downaround his ankles."What on earth are you doing?!" asked the American.The Japanese fellow looked up and without pause, replied, "Waiting for a fax"
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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".

She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"

Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."


​

 

[thesolar65]

Blue films are the most Positive Movies....
No Murder, No War, No Fight, No conspiracy, No Cheating... !!

Lots of Love & always a very Happy Ending for all Characters!!

No milna bichhadana, No rona dhona!!

Good co-operation,
Good co-ordination, No dramebazi, natural acting, No language problem...

AND the Best part.... jahan se dekho vahin se story samajh aa jati hai...

 

[Grevion]

 

[jammersat]

 

[MastanKhan]

https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=http://viralcop.me/0b71f73fec0b1

 

[jammersat]

This is from the movie predator , it's funnier if you watch the movie itself and hear this line

a woman goes to a gynecologist , and wants him to examine the thing , the doctor says , wow wow wow wow wow
the woman says can you say it only once please!
the doctor says i said it once it was the echo !

 

[jammersat]

 

[jamahir]

what's funny about this??