Arranged marriages?

[SecularNationalist]

I wish I could. That was my decision as well but family is gonna push me sooner or later.

Yea that sucks no doubt. All that pressure from families. But wo bhi sache Hain apni jaga because you know girls ka age issue hota hai.

You just had to say it......

???

 

[yuba]

Ameen

Wo kab lagata hai bhai ? Wo to paseena bhi free mein nai bechta, 140rs ke shake mein paseene milakar deta hai aur ap free sabeel ki umeed lagaye bethe khan saheb se

InshaAllah May Allah bless you with barakah in the rest of life. And May you get to fulfill your dreams to enjoy a retired life with wife on International tours.

Back in dubai, Many russian, Ukrainian and european couples used to visit my dad’s office, And many were actually on a world tour, Retired and enjoying the last moments

As for kids,

I am well known among family members for having unique abilities to handle toddlers, Regardless of age, Toddlers can be 4 months or 40 years as well.

They get along with me very well, Sometimes better than their own moms. I hope my wife doesn’t get a hint of this ability otherwise She will leave her responsibilities on me to handle babies

I can remember when each of my 3 kids were born . When my first was born my sister came to call me into the delivery room I remember holding my daughter looking down on her and feeling this love I had never felt before and it was heaven. My wish if I could do it all again is to be home more with the kids when they were young I missed a lot of that due to work so try to be home with the kids as much as you can they grow up so fast. I am truly sorry your dad could not get his wish to travel with your mom but like you said he is the best destination one could visit now. I know how hard he must have worked to raise his kids marry them and then just enjoy his life with your mom knowing he had done his duty.

 

[Adecypher]

There is a renowned toddler here on pdf who i love a lot. He wants VLS tubes on PN Ships

Without being sound foolish and or philosophical, I believe that everyone has this “little toddler” phenomenon somewhere hidden inside them, some discover it but keep it hidden to the larger world and some of us try but cannot ... that’s why we have witness elders acts like or mimic little babies like gestures and tones when they pick up a little few months old baby or in very rare instances when they encounter an older mature person who they regard “having a very pure, angel like soul and character” ...

 

[Vortex]

How do arranged marriages work? Would members here advise against or in favour of arranged marriages? Does the couple need to have understanding and feelings for each other before marriage?

I have seen arranged marriage going well well after 40 years.
I have seen arranged marriage turning in hell in just a matter of months.
I have seen love marriage ruined after few months
I have seen love marriage going very well well after 40 years.

all depends on the characters of the both dhulen and dhula, bu lt also depends on the toxicity of people around them.
Usually parents do and want the best for their children and especially for their daughters. But it depends on their personality. But don’t forget, they are human, and as such they could take wrong decisions too.

I have watched few years ago a TV program on french TV channel (I was surprised) about arranged marriage in Asia (Indonesia or Thailand I don’t remember now) and they were saying what it was already said by few members here, that arranged marriage are more time resistant than love marriage.

Khair i pray Allah for the best for you.

 

[Hakikat ve Hikmet]

As for those who believe there's no love in an arranged marriage:

 

[ApparentRaceTraitor]

Few random thoughts:

You don’t necessarily search for your bride at the bars

Married couples have a fixed quota of love and hate! In arranged marriage you start spending them both after the marriage. In love marriage you use up the “love” quota before the marriage, so only “hate” is left after the marriage

I am unsure if this was in jest or if that is what you truly believe

 

[Sunshine48]

How do people deal with it if they come to know they have significant differences in ideologies and moral values after marriage?

 

[Bigbang1983]

How do people deal with it if they come to know they have significant differences in ideologies and moral values after marriage?

Salam sister.

Usually I would not really comment on such a thread and that too on a public forum but it seems you are someone who is genuinely perplexed and are probably seeking counseling regarding something that you see coming towards you.

Yes, in times of today the idea of arranged marriage seems a bit impractical because obviously there are a lot of unanswered questions attached to it. There are many "what ifs" in our heads and there is a long list of reservations. Marriage obviously is a step that opens the next chapter of our lives and that indeed is the most important chapter because it addresses one of the most important needs for us and that is the need for a companion.
Anyway, I'll quote an ayah from the Quran and then sum up my comment,

سورہ الروم آیت نمبر 21
وَ مِنۡ اٰیٰتِہٖۤ اَنۡ خَلَقَ لَکُمۡ مِّنۡ اَنۡفُسِکُمۡ اَزۡوَاجًا لِّتَسۡکُنُوۡۤا اِلَیۡہَا وَ جَعَلَ بَیۡنَکُمۡ مَّوَدَّۃً وَّ رَحۡمَۃً ؕ اِنَّ فِیۡ ذٰلِکَ لَاٰیٰتٍ لِّقَوۡمٍ یَّتَفَکَّرُوۡنَ ﴿۲۱﴾
ترجمہ:
اور اس کی ایک نشانی یہ ہے کہ اس نے تمہارے لیے تم میں سے بیویاں پیدا کیں، تاکہ تم ان کے پاس جاکر سکون حاصل کرو، اور تمہارے درمیان محبت اور رحمت کے جذبات رکھ دیے، (٨) یقینا اس میں ان لوگوں کے لیے بڑی نشانیاں ہیں جو غوروفکر سے کام لیتے ہیں۔
آسان ترجمۂ قرآن مفتی محمد تقی عثمانی
https://goo.gl/2ga2EU

30:21) And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect.

— Mufti Taqi Usmani

In this particular verse of the Quran Allah says that it is one of His signs that He has created wives/spouses/mates from our own kind so that we may find muwadda (strong love and affection), sakoon (tranquility, relief, respect and reassurance) and rehmah (mercy and forgiveness) in them.
So clearly we can infer that love, tranquility, relief and forgiveness in a marriage comes from Allah SWT for our wives/spouses/mates. Now this is real love and understanding and so in order to have that for someone and vise versa, one must lawfully be married to that person or in other words one must be in a state of nikkah with that person. Because nikkah is the only lawful and legal relationship that can exist between a man and a woman who are not each other's mehram.
So if a man and woman come together in state of nikkah in name of Allah and for His sake then they should have firm believe also that Allah SWT will create love, tranquility, relief and forgiveness in their hearts for each other. Because Allah says it's one of His signs. This should make arranged marriage easy but the condition is to have firm faith and pure intentions of getting married only for the sake of Allah SWT.

I hope this reply is useful for you.

 

[Blacklight]

How do people deal with it if they come to know they have significant differences in ideologies and moral values after marriage?

This is a very tough one, hence why Istikahara is advised BEFORE making a decision.

Nonetheless, a secret weapon that few people use, is a Fathers dua. It is accepted faster than a mothers, but then the Father also needs to have a good relationship with his Lord.

In the end a lot will depend on your communication skills i.e. how you put your view point across, and how YOU tackle issues. Especially in the initial few months / years a lot of relationship testing issues will pop up, to tackle them with the bigger picture in mind will help you navigate successfully.

The stronger your connection with your Lord, the easier the journey. Sometimes, we as humans become very myopic, taking a step back, and looking at it from the other persons pov, helps immensely.

Lastly, whenever you do good, always except your reward from the Almighty, and not people. You will never be dissapointed. Again, Always look at the big picture, and think positively, no matter what comes your way, at the same time always ask for Allah's help and blessings.

InShaAllah, hope to hear soon, that you have found a "farmabardar" husband

 

[PakSword]

How do arranged marriages work? Would members here advise against or in favour of arranged marriages? Does the couple need to have understanding and feelings for each other before marriage?

My Big4 firm's partner used to tell us this, and I now strongly believe he was right (Allah unhain jannat naseeb karay, Ameen):

When someone is involved in a long relationship, both parties only show their good side to each other. They continuously try to impress each other by dressing up good whenever they meet, by showing little acts of kindness to each other and others too, by wearing good perfumes, by talking good things about each other's family members always.. The expectations reach all time high before marriage. Both of them think that there is not a single flaw in their partner.

If we measure the expectation on a 0-100 scale, they start at 100.

Here he only mentioned decent love relationship, without any physical contact. Because the moment someone is physically involved, he/ she starts acting like a spouse and since this is the era of movies where the expectations are set at a level of lead actors in movies, one of them (mostly men) or both get disappointed with the hidden physical appearance. Since there's no contract signed between them, and their relatives (if they know about the relationship) mostly take the relationship quite casual, it ends.

So lets go back to the expectation that has reached the highest point. The day they are married, they start knowing flaws, natural face/ body/ normal dressing, the expectations take a nose dive and sometimes end up getting into negative figures. Remember, when expectations break, they have a devastating effect rather than when one doesn't have any expectation.

Lets talk about arranged marriages, or with a very brief relationship only to get comfortable about basic things. The expectations start at 'ZERO' and both start knowing about positives and negatives together. There's no devastating effect involved (because there were no expectations in the first place). The relationship is also supported by the family members as they are usually the ones involved in finding a suitable match.

Exceptions are everywhere though, but in my opinion, arranged marriages are more suitable in our society which is based on Islamic values. But, here is a piece of advice for ultra Islamists who don't even want to even see the face of each other before marriage:

1 - There is a permission that you can see each other before marriage and at least talk to each other to know how the other party looks, talks, behaves etc.

2 - There is some specific advice given to Muslims (both men and women) on what to look for when you try finding a spouse for yourself. Here, the advice is not for the family members.. but the people who are getting married. It means that it is YOUR responsibility to find a suitable spouse (not your family members).

3 - There is an advice of doing Istikhara. So it's involving Allah SWT in your decision and leave the rest on Him.

 

[Hareeb]

How do arranged marriages work? Would members here advise against or in favour of arranged marriages? Does the couple need to have understanding and feelings for each other before marriage?

1- They do work.
2- Both have their pros and cons.
3- With luck, you'll find an understanding partner, and about feelings, muhabbat wegara ni hoti, bs adat ho jati ha.

 

[Sunshine48]

Salam sister.

Usually I would not really comment on such a thread and that too on a public forum but it seems you are someone who is genuinely perplexed and are probably seeking counseling regarding something that you see coming towards you.

Yes, in times of today the idea of arranged marriage seems a bit impractical because obviously there are a lot of unanswered questions attached to it. There are many "what ifs" in our heads and there is a long list of reservations. Marriage obviously is a step that opens the next chapter of our lives and that indeed is the most important chapter because it addresses one of the most important needs for us and that is the need for a companion.
Anyway, I'll quote an ayah from the Quran and then sum up my comment,

سورہ الروم آیت نمبر 21
وَ مِنۡ اٰیٰتِہٖۤ اَنۡ خَلَقَ لَکُمۡ مِّنۡ اَنۡفُسِکُمۡ اَزۡوَاجًا لِّتَسۡکُنُوۡۤا اِلَیۡہَا وَ جَعَلَ بَیۡنَکُمۡ مَّوَدَّۃً وَّ رَحۡمَۃً ؕ اِنَّ فِیۡ ذٰلِکَ لَاٰیٰتٍ لِّقَوۡمٍ یَّتَفَکَّرُوۡنَ ﴿۲۱﴾
ترجمہ:
اور اس کی ایک نشانی یہ ہے کہ اس نے تمہارے لیے تم میں سے بیویاں پیدا کیں، تاکہ تم ان کے پاس جاکر سکون حاصل کرو، اور تمہارے درمیان محبت اور رحمت کے جذبات رکھ دیے، (٨) یقینا اس میں ان لوگوں کے لیے بڑی نشانیاں ہیں جو غوروفکر سے کام لیتے ہیں۔
آسان ترجمۂ قرآن مفتی محمد تقی عثمانی
https://goo.gl/2ga2EU

30:21) And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect.

— Mufti Taqi Usmani

In this particular verse of the Quran Allah says that it is one of His signs that He has created wives/spouses/mates from our own kind so that we may find muwadda (strong love and affection), sakoon (tranquility, relief, respect and reassurance) and rehmah (mercy and forgiveness) in them.
So clearly we can infer that love, tranquility, relief and forgiveness in a marriage comes from Allah SWT for our wives/spouses/mates. Now this is real love and understanding and so in order to have that for someone and vise versa, one must lawfully be married to that person or in other words one must be in a state of nikkah with that person. Because nikkah is the only lawful and legal relationship that can exist between a man and a woman who are not each other's mehram.
So if a man and woman come together in state of nikkah in name of Allah and for His sake then they should have firm believe also that Allah SWT will create love, tranquility, relief and forgiveness in their hearts for each other. Because Allah says it's one of His signs. This should make arranged marriage easy but the condition is to have firm faith and pure intentions of getting married only for the sake of Allah SWT.

I hope this reply is useful for you.

Walaikumus Salam

This really puts my heart at ease. JazakAllahu khaira

 

[PakSword]

How do people deal with it if they come to know they have significant differences in ideologies and moral values after marriage?

Can you give some examples of the significant differences in ideologies and moral values?

 

[Blacklight]

So lets go back to the expectation that has reached the highest point. The day they are married, they start knowing flaws

You mean the next morning, when the guy wakes up and sees her for the first time without makeup, and Imran Khans words echo in his head "main inki cheekhain nikaloonga"?

Can you give some examples of the significant differences in ideologies and moral values?

He has a big mustache, she says its like cactus?

 

[PakSword]

You mean the next morning, when the guy wakes up and sees her for the first time without makeup, and Imran Khans words echo in his head "main inki cheekhain nikaloonga"?

Haha yes.. I mean, before marriage, when couples meet, has anyone seen them in casual cloths/ make up?

I have seen even boys with make up.. Boys nowadays can spend their whole salary on one meeting.

I had a colleague who used to earn minimum wage (people who have worked in Big4s in Pakistan know the amount I am talking about). He used to spend that on one meeting. Once he even took loan from us because he wanted to buy new jeans/ T-shirt and planned to have dinner at Arizona Grill. The rest of the days we spent on asking back the loaned amount.