Joke

[kseeker]

A Sonia Manmohan Joke !!

Sonia Gandhi is visiting with the Queen of England.

Sonia – “Your Majesty, now that I am also a Queen… Of the Gandhi-Nehru dynasty in India……. Are there… Any tips you can give to me to stay in power?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Sonia frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”.

“The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “David – would you come in here, please ?”

David Cameron, the Prime Minister, walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me, your majesty.”

“Very good ! Thank you , David – that will be all!” said the Queen. Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said “See?�€?”.

Sonia went back to India and called Manmohan Singh, the Prime Minister, and asked “Manmohanji, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a Child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Manmohan. “Let me get back to you on that one…”

Manmohan went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, “Narendrabhai, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child. And it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Narendra Modi answered, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Manmohan said, “Thanks!” Then, he phoned Sonia. ” Madam , I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Narendra Modi !!!”

Sonia slapped her head and shouted,

“No! No! You idiot! It’s David Cameron!”

Courtesy: Internet

Disclaimer: No Offense meant to anyone, just laugh it off !

Cheers,

 

[Kloitra]

An army major called his wife to tell her that he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action.

"The punishment sounds a little harsh," she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters."

"No, honey,," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly!"

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A young man asked a rich old man: How he made his money ?

The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, The Depth of The Great Depression, I was down to my last nickel. I invested that in an apple and spent the entire day polishing it and at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 Cents..!

The next day, I invested those 10 Cents in 2 apples. I spent the entire day polishing them & sold them for 20 Cents.

I continued this 4 a month, by the end of which I had accumulated a fortune Of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died & left us 2 Million Dollars...!

MORAL: Hard work is just ****.. Find a chick whose father is rich.

 

[Kloitra]

A married lady, visited her elderly parents' home.

When she opened refrigerator, she was shocked to see inside a picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman in two-piece bikini.

Lady: Mom, what's this?

Mom: Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat.

Lady: Is it working?

Mom: Yes and No.

I've lost 8 kilos, but your dad has gained 20...!!!

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English and Hindi always Contradict...

English: The sooner the better...
Hindi: Jaldi ka kaam shaitaan ka hota hai...

English: Think of the devil, and the devil is here...
Hindi: Badi lambi umar hai tumhari, abhi tumhe hi yaad kar rahe the...

English: Don't wait, fight for your rights...
Hindi: Sabr ka fal meetha hota hai...

...and the most striking of all,
English: As wise as an owl...
Hindi: Ullu ka Pattha...

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A census taker in a rural Indian village went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Lets see now, there's the twins, Ballu and Lallu, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seeta and Geeta, they're sixteen. And the twins, Ram and Shyam, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get anything!"

 

[Kloitra]

Bob and Jim are walking to services.

Bob asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Jim.

Bob sees the Rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"

"No, you may not. That's utterly disrespectful to our tradition!" answers the rabbi.

Bob goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

Jim goes over to the Rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, would it be ok if I prayed while I smoke?"

To which the Rabbi eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."

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When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea.

He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day a daily bread" to "Give us this day a daily chicken."

"I can't possibly do that," said the Pope.

"Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the Colonel.

"No, not for 100,000 dollars," replied the Pope.

Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further. The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope. This time he offered 500,000 dollars for the words of the Lord's Prayer to be changed to "Give us this day a daily chicken."

Again the Pope refused, "I can't possibly change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from bread to chicken," he repeated.

Another 6 months and KFC sales had reached an all time low. The company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord's Prayer.

"I'll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word 'bread' to 'chicken' in the Lord's Prayers."

"That's a lot of money," conceded the Pope.

"So you'll do it?"

"I'll have to discuss it with the cardinals."

So the Pope called a meeting of the cardinals. He began, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC is going to donate 50 million dollars to Vatican. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account."

 

[Kloitra]

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake... MONDAY: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishant's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.

WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishant has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.

THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishant, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!

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Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing.... But not the poor groom!

 

[Kloitra]

Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?

Wife: Well, I suppose so.

Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?

Wife: I guess we would.

Husband: Would you make love to him?

Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.

Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?

Wife: No, he's left handed.....

 

[Kloitra]

Otto von Bismark, the first Chancellor of the German Empire from 1871-90 had been conversing for a rather long time with the British Ambassador to Germany when the latter posed the question, "How do you handle insistent visitors who take up so much of your valuable time?"

Bismark answered, "Oh, I have an infallible method. My servant appears and informs me that my wife has something urgent to tell me."

At that moment there was a knock at the door, and a servant entered with a message from his wife.

Last year in France, Jacque went to his local priest and confessed: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During the Second world War, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

"That's not a sin,'' said the priest. "It was an act of great kindness."

"But I made him agree to pay me 30 francs for every week he stayed.

"I admit that wasn't particularly charitable," said the priest, "but you did it for a good cause."

"Thank you, Father," said the man. "That's a great relief to me. I have just one more question."

"What's that?''

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?''

 

[Kloitra]

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An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.

Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 pounds, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.

The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now, there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 pounds and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to Hell, he has."

The little boy thought for awhile and then said, "You know, Granddad, you are very lucky."

"Why"? asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money waiting when you get there!"

 

[Kloitra]

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

 

[Kloitra]

A gentleman was much surprised when the good-looking young lady greeted him by saying, "Good evening."

He could not remember ever having seen her before.

She evidently realized that she had made a mistake, for she apologized and explained: "Oh, I 'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children."

She walked on while the man stared after her. She did not realize, of course, that he was unaware of the fact that she was a school teacher.

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Learn to Trust your Husband...

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband, for example...

A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, 'Hello' to them?"

 

[Kloitra]

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
The woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

What men invented that women enjoys?

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
The woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
The woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING,
Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.

 

[Kloitra]

Great Writer!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

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Newly Married Bride

Once a mother-in-law explaining the working of her house to her newly married Daughter-in-law.

She said, "I am the home minister as well as the finance minister of this house. Your Father in law is the Foreign minister of this house. My son, that is your husband, heads the ministry of demand and supply and my daughter that is your husband's sister, runs the planning & development ministry........!!!

"Now you tell which ministry would you like to run.......?????"

The daughter -in-law with a smile instantly replied, "Well, dear mother in law I will be running the OPPOSITION!!!!!!!"

 

[kseeker]

A man's iPhone 5 fell down the toilet...

He was devastated and started crying..

Seeing his dismal state the toilet goddess came out with a golden iPhone 5...

The guy remembered the woodcutter story and trying to be modest said "I don't want this golden iPhone mine was a simple one"

Hearing this the toilet goddess smiled and said "Abey yeh woh hee hai... isko dho lena"

Courtesy - Whatsapp

 

[sms]

Sexy Lady in sexy voice: Batao meri panty me kya hai? Batao no?
Sardar ( with confidence) :Elistic hi hoga, aaj kal naade wali kno pehenta hai?

 

[Sashan]

There was a meeting of Bihar freedom fighters. They wanted to free Bihar from India. Lalu Yadav raised a point, "We may take Bihar from India but how will we develop it?"

Sadhu Yadav had a brainwave. "No problem! We will attack America, we will lose the war & it will take us over. Then we will become a State of USA & develop automatically. We will also become direct citizens of USA. No more Visas & Green Cards." All of them were happy with this solution but NITISH KUMAR was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. NITISH KUMAR replied, "That's all very well.! But what would happen if by chance we won & took over America???"