Joke

[fatman17]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ***!!"

 

[Marshmallow]

 

[Marshmallow]

 

[fatman17]

Canadian blonde...











Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content....


As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a
Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
Are losing some of your load!"



The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.



As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"



Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same
Thing happens again.



All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my
Name is Heather, and you are
Losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and
I'm driving the F*** ING SALT TRUCK.........."

 

[fatman17]

Old Timers Bar


Four old retired guys are walking down a street in US. They turn a
corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10
cents.”


They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to
be true. Each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender
serves up four iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10c each,
please.They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40c, finish
their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent
martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40c,
please." They pay the 40c, but their curiosity gets the better of
them.


Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as
good as these for a 10c a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to
own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10c. wine, liquor, beer
- it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!"
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing
seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in
front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they have
been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men
asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired ‘GUJUS’ from Ahmedabad, India.
They're waiting for Happy Hour!"



(Or you can replace Gujjus with Sheikhs or Memons or Chiniotis)

She Was Soooooooo Blonde....


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

· -she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
· -she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
· -she thought a quarterback was a refund.
· -she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
· -she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
· -she thought General Motors was in the army.
· -she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
· -she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
· -under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -she tripped over a cordless phone.
· -she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
· -she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
· -at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
· -she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -she studied for a blood test.
· -she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
· -she sold the car for gas money!
· -when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
· -when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
· -when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
· -she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
· -if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
· -she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
· -she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "Tits Go In Front."
· -she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease

 

[fatman17]

Box Under Hillary's Bed


When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

 

[Marshmallow]

Box Under Hillary's Bed


When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

are u a Fatman? u shud do exercise more often

 

[Gentelman]

 

[Marshmallow]

 

[Marshmallow]

 

[fatman17]

> Quotes on Sex



> "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
> Woody Allen
>
> "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
> Lynn Lavner
>
> "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
> Sharon Stone
>
> "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
> Tiger Woods
>
>
> "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
> Robin Williams
>
> "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
> Billy Crystal
>
> "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
> Robert De Niro
>
> "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
> Dustin Hoffman
>
> "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
> Robin Williams
>
>
> " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
> Emo Phillips

 

[Agnostic_Indian]

Friend 1 -" Do you ever
look at your wife's face
when you make love"
friend 2 - "I did once and
saw the anger in her face"
Friend 1 - "Why anger?"
Friend 2 -"Because she was
watching from outside the
window"

 

[fatman17]

A well kept secret - so far!!

Hey Guys Valentine's day is a punjabi tradition. Let us start celebrating it with full zeal it deserves...

Dr Sardar Kurvindar Singh was awarded PhD on his research about the origin of VALENTINE day. Please read the summary of his thesis and correct your knowledge of history.

VALENTINE Day- IT STARTED IN INDIA AND THE PEOPLE THINK ITS A CHRISTIAN THING

This is hilarious – everything starts in Punjab !!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

In spite of what you have been told by everyone, the truth is that Valentine's Day originated hundreds of years ago, in India , and to top it all, in Punjab .It is a well known fact that during that time (hundreds of years ago) typical Punjabi JATT , continually mistreat and disrespect their wives (Punjabans). One fine day, it happened to be the 14th day of February, one brave Punjaban, having had enough "torture" by her husband, finally chose to rebel by beating him up with a Velan (rolling pin).
Yes....the same Velan which she used daily, to make chapattis for him....only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who was flattened.

This was a momentous occasion for all Punjaban women and a revolt soon spread, like wild fire, with thousands of housewives beating up their husbands with the Velan. There was an outburst of moaning "chapatti-ed" husbands all over Jalandhar and Ludhiana . The Punjabi men-folk quickly learnt their lesson and started to behave more respectfully with their Punjabans.

Thereafter, on 14th February, every year, the womenfolk of Punjab would beat up their husbands, to commemorate that eventful day. The wives having the satisfaction of beating up their husbands with the Velan and the men having the supreme joy of submitting to the will of the women they loved.

Soon The Punjabi men realized that in order to avoid this ordeal they need to present gifts to their wives....they brought flowers and sweetmeats. Hence the tradition began.

As Punjabis under the influence of Western culture, that day was called 'Velan time' day.

The ritual soon spread to Britain and many other Western countries, specifically, the catch words 'Velan time!'. Of course in their foreign tongues, it was first anglisised to 'Velantime' and then to 'Valentine'.

And thereafter, 14th of February, came to be known as Valentine's Day!

 

[Masterio92]

Aww Sir Fatman17 , these are too long ... Just read the below one


A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he
was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety
competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my
license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in,
"Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop,
blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked,
"Are we over the border yet?”

 

[Marshmallow]