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A.Rahman
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Ploughing the land
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A.Rahman
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[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]You an Internet addict?
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
You Might Be An Internet Addict If...
- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
- Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
- Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
- You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
- You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
- Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
- The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button
Muradk
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Pilot to tower.
"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
Gravity SUCKS!!
"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct! "
"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
Gravity SUCKS!!
Muradk
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Blonde Passenger
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.
The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.
The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?"
"I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."
A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.
The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move.
The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.
The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?"
"I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."
Officer of Engineers
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This is one of those never overdo coming down on the Sgts stories. My buddy and I were at the Battle School during one of those exercises. One of those 32 hour days and 5 minute sleeps and Murphy showing his head everywhere. We were supposed to be trucked to our new location and catch 2 hours of sleep. Well, the truck wasn't working and instead of a 2 hour sleep, we're talking a 15 kms march. My buddy lost it on the Travel Officer, who had to take it all.
Well, exercise over and we were waiting in line to get our travel orders back to our base in Ontario and weekend leave. I got my plane tickets and then, the Travel Officer turned around to my buddy and said, "sorry, sir but there was a mixed up at the airport. I couldn't get you on the flight but I did get you your bus tickets.
"But that's a 42 hour bus ride!!!!!"
"Yes, Sir, and your bus leaves in 20 minutes. You better hurry."
Here is another one.
Showed up at Regiment (don't want to name them and the person involved) to get info on an upcoming op. I showed up and walked into the parade hall and saw the 2IC just reaming this civilian who was just smiling at him, almost laughing.
The civie looked familiar and I couldn't figured out who. The Commissioner (former military retiree working as government security) saw me and waved me over and pointed to a picture on the wall. I got it.
I smiled and approached the screaming Captain and the smiling civilian. "Good evening, General."
I swear I never seen a man turned white on the spot.
Well, exercise over and we were waiting in line to get our travel orders back to our base in Ontario and weekend leave. I got my plane tickets and then, the Travel Officer turned around to my buddy and said, "sorry, sir but there was a mixed up at the airport. I couldn't get you on the flight but I did get you your bus tickets.
"But that's a 42 hour bus ride!!!!!"
"Yes, Sir, and your bus leaves in 20 minutes. You better hurry."
Here is another one.
Showed up at Regiment (don't want to name them and the person involved) to get info on an upcoming op. I showed up and walked into the parade hall and saw the 2IC just reaming this civilian who was just smiling at him, almost laughing.
The civie looked familiar and I couldn't figured out who. The Commissioner (former military retiree working as government security) saw me and waved me over and pointed to a picture on the wall. I got it.
I smiled and approached the screaming Captain and the smiling civilian. "Good evening, General."
I swear I never seen a man turned white on the spot.
Officer of Engineers
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He started kissing butt big time. He apologized profercely and took the General on a tour. The Gen was there to drop off his daughter to the cadets which then resulted in the Capt taking real good care of her.
I don't think the General did anything but the story did get back to Bde (*** staring up at the sky, whistling ***). After that incident, there was no way for him to command a regt. He got his Majs at Bde and that was where he stayed until he left.
I don't think the General did anything but the story did get back to Bde (*** staring up at the sky, whistling ***). After that incident, there was no way for him to command a regt. He got his Majs at Bde and that was where he stayed until he left.
TexasJohn
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An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed
to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge
Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the undertaker.
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Collect call
My wife was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she
decided to call home collect. Our six-year-old son picked up the phone and
heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept
the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside
screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
*******************************************************************************
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious, but this is one from a chap in Switzerland .... "Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all ?
Suspicion of anything foreign ".
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Three types
Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
*******************************************************************************
More Words from Women
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
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Workplace Vocabulary Lesson
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you ve just made a BIG mistake.
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge
Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the undertaker.
*******************************************************************************
Collect call
My wife was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she
decided to call home collect. Our six-year-old son picked up the phone and
heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept
the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside
screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
*******************************************************************************
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious, but this is one from a chap in Switzerland .... "Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all ?
Suspicion of anything foreign ".
*******************************************************************************
Three types
Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
*******************************************************************************
More Words from Women
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
*******************************************************************************
Workplace Vocabulary Lesson
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you ve just made a BIG mistake.
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Awesome
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