fatman17
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When one's family has had a warrior's death and it stays in your mind forever, then dying becomes second nature, my father survived 3 wars and countless skirmishes, not so my elder brother (shaheed 71) who was my protector, to this day l miss him. May Allah bless my late father and brother. There have been other shaheeds and ghazis in my family (3 SJs that I know of ), just like countless other families of our brotherhood in uniform.
Dying, the warrior’s perspective
Pardon me, dearest reader, for I am in a somber mood and the picture does not seem to be improving anytime soon. After all, we are in strange times or perhaps we have been and now we merely realize it? The last two months have been really hard on me as despite my best efforts the pandemic came knocking on my door and I must say it knocked harder than I expected. It is different looking at statistics when you become one and know of it. All knowledge humbles at this point, does it not? There’s nothing you can do anymore and that does not seem to be a position that’s comfortable for the human spirit.
I am no stranger to death nor dying, it is the greatest humbler of all that we can experience and indeed every soul shall taste death. Rich or poor, from whichever race, gender, religion or a lack of it, loved or hated, friend or foe, we all return to the ground from where we came from. That makes even the shallowest amongst us ponder.
I suppose that death is a powerful motivator because it makes you question life too; it is like the light and darkness, you cannot understand it on its own and when you begin to then things never remains the same. Death is a permanent reminder that nothing we hold of value is actually permanent. It is the cruel mistress of the sea, it is the predator of nature itself, it is the entropy to the physicist and uncertainty to the mathematician. It makes you question life itself.
It is from this point that I must confess something to the reader, I ask you to forgive me for the randomness of this piece for I am not really well after the battle my body has been through and I wanted to share myself in this very state hence I am deliberately not structuring myself. If that is not something you enjoy or invariably I cause you any distress, please, forgive me. More than that, I wanted to share a bias here that I am a psychologist and have dealt with people who are on the path of dying, their families and the people who try to help them as well as their families. Hence, my view point is inherently biased towards life and I can philosophically defend my position but that’s a discussion for another day, perhaps?
I write this realistically facing the possibility that these may be my last words in mind, the text for this piece was conceptualized when I was in a particularly bad spot during the health crisis I faced. I’m often inquired about my views on this topic so I thought I should pen them some day. It appears I should speak now for I have always preferred to listen and so be it.
I have discovered something interesting being in the uniform. I saw people who were tough enough and brave enough to face death undauntingly through their will to not only survive but thrive. The sort of people who rush towards the strange noise, the people who bump back in the night so to speak. The seekers of danger, dealers of death, noble to some, savages to others but different from all the rest; I’m proud to call them my brothers and be called so by them. There is nothing more that I wish for in life but to be remembered by men and women of fibre whom have respected me like I never thought I would earn. That I shall be remembered as the man who droned the uniform with pride and to whom nothing could and still cannot shake their resolve to do their best for others. I speak as one them now, I suppose because the way we view death and the way that I experienced it when I wasn’t in the uniform was extremely different.
I do not seem to fear death anymore but it’s not out of bravado nor nihilism. It is realistic. What you think about death doesn’t seem to matter, it comes for you regardless. In the end it will. That can break men or it can make them. For me personally as well, the near death experience changed my view of life but for the better yet not in a way that most people think about it. That mentality seems to work regardless of what the original position you take on the subject when it comes to you experiencing it.
Before you fear death, ask yourself, are you truly living?
That is the essence of the great Stoic Philosopher Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations, a collection of his reflections he wrote himself during his life. For those of you who don’t know, you may be surprised to learn that Aurelius was the Emperor of Rome at the time. He wasn’t supposed to be contemplating such things but ruling the Empire, arguably the superpower of the era. Yet, it’s this very job that made Aurelius write his Meditations for the Empire was facing war, famine and a devastating plague. Death and disappointment surrounded Aurelius yet his spirit did not falter, for he aimed to be a ‘moral’ emperor rather than a powerful one, resonating that letting go of desire actually makes you achieve the end goal of it.
Aurelius would be a good companion during distressing times for he faced them himself and the Emperor had no peer to confine in, a friend to rely upon, advisors to truly trust and so he penned Meditations. The peace within one self appears to come whence one can feel peace in solitude. The human soul does not thrive in distractions.
For Aurelius asks himself, does his fear of death do anything? If not then why do it? Would his anger or his achievements aid him there? If not then why have any expectations at all? Aurelius asks the question of why do we fear the inevitable? It is better to make peace with it and live.
Do most people fear death or dying? The former is a state the latter a process and these things are different. The answer to that question may help you or someone else in such a position. I often find it does, at least.
Do you truly die when you die or before that? If you died tomorrow would you be content? Have you said what you had to say? Have you done what you had to do? Have you made peace where you had to? If yes, then why worry? This is not in your control nor can it be. Live while you can, that’s what life is. It is temporary by nature. Thus, it is not the longevity of it that matters. Think of it, would you like to be in any time but yours? Look at it realistically for a while, 500 years from now, when you don’t know anyone around you, you don’t speak the language, maybe even the world you knew is long gone and this will continue. Is that truly what you desire? However, the next question of what the purpose of life is, is an entirely personal matter. There are positions to that question but when it comes to your own experience of it then the opinion that matters is yours in order to deal with it and what it makes you feel.
There is a middle question between these two extremes too. It is the meaning of having a life in the first place. If you have life, what do you have? You have a choice. A dead thing such as a stone, doesn’t care about ‘dying’ for it never had life in the first place. How much of that ability do we use? Do we choose to live while we’re living?
On the utmost personal level, in my experience dealing with such cases as a professional as a therapist, it seems that the spirit crusher is not fear of death but the regrets of not living on the choices that one wanted. Regret starts to dampen the fire.
However, that does not mean what the internet once dubbed “YOLO” You only live once. A mentality that encouraged risky and unhealthy behavior in its followers but that has caused actual deaths so it makes little sense to claim you love life but live in a way that causes you to die sooner.
No. What it means is we either choose or we don’t but we would have regret unless we make peace with those choices. That makes you appreciate being here in the first place. I believe if the world was given to the warriors then there would be peace for those who do not taste death seem to shorten the lives of others at times unfortunately. I don’t think that is out of malintent but more so because that experience is not there.
I hope I did not snub any fires. If I did please, forgive me, this is supposed to help. It was one of the things I wanted to do when I got better so I am really happy to share this with you. I would love to know your thoughts.
Stay safe.
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and fast recovery 
