Brother sur AOA!
Eid Mubarak!
......it's the
man's right in Islam, to take permission and present a prospect towards his better half.So, i don't see any wrong thing about it.
Islam is pretty liberal about it, if we can do justice between two our two wives then one must use his right & it
shouldn't be a social taboo ,isn't it?
So, why not share and ask it beforehand?
I feel that the statement can be used as a tool to judge and at least gauge the reaction of someone you feel that you may tie the knot with.No?
I'm surprised that why it was that much surprising for my brother?
[Al-Qur'an 4:3]
Every man knows himself very well.
If he feels that he can do the justice and will be able to maintain his marriages, then why hamper yourself from it?
Then again i should mention ,
'It is very difficult to be just and fair between women'. [Al-Qur'an (4:129)]
But isn't it better to not to cheat and say it & go for nikah?
Since, you have my email and may not like to share things here, you are most welcome to reply me there/ or here whenever you are in the mood.
Thanks for allowing me to push you to boredom.
Best wishes!
May your
Eid be Blessed too S.U.R.B. (=
Eid Mubarak)
I totally agree with your statements.But lets take up things one by one.
"
more than one wives a Right in Islam":
Since islam is a religion that gives
the best balance of life style. It takes into account human biological nature too. Besides many sociological aspects of polygeny like more women in world than men etc, there is biological aspect to it too which I'll explain at the end of the post
***. In West they are practicing polygeny in a different way. They enter into a relationship only with intention that they'll enjoy that girl for a while & dump her after some time. Then go to next girlfriend & so on. In that way they satisfy a man's desire to have multiple ladies but in a way that's derogatory for women. No security for women. After few relationships the women are too old & then they end up on anti-depressants, ChildLess & without a partner to support them in old age.
Family structure is also pathetic because of such approach.
Islam on the other hand, by allowing more wives
at the same time provides for a method by which the man does NOT feel the need to dump first lady to go with another one. The man's instincts are satisfied as well as ladies get to have lofe long support & children.
Family structure is promoted that way.
The major problem is the in-built jealousy b/w two ladies. That's is natural & man should realize that. So man should
approach this situation through effective, mild and gradual communication. Don't push the first lady too hard and too fast to get her permission. Talk by the way of joke & gradually over time gain her confidence. Use gradual and polite approach so she would overcome her jealousy and would understand that why men have polygenous nature and would allow that.
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah 's Apostle said, "Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and ..., so, if you (forcefully) try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely."
Sahih al-Bukhari 3331, In-book ref:Book 60, Hadith 6, USC-MSA web (English) ref:Vol. 4, Book 55, Hadith 548.
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shouldn't be a social taboo ,isn't it?"
In countries like Saudi Arabia, it is "understood" by ladies that their men may marry more than one wives. They grow up seeing & hearing such cases around them. So ladies there don't react very much if husband decides to marry another. Also husband might not need to ask her permission & gain her confidence in that regards.
But in countries like Pakistan, ladies grow up with this idea of
an evil lady called "Saukann".. They are made to be jealous of that evil lady & hate phenomenon of their husband marrying another one. That's why for a Pakistani wife, husband should take her into confidence if he wants to marry another one. Otherwise first wife would react very badly. She'd feel like she's been given a death sentence. Communicate with her politely, make it into jokes, and gradually. Try to make her understand why you are thinking of 2nd wife and
assure her that you'd treat both with justice.
"
So, why not share and ask it beforehand?":
In our culture since it so happens that polygeny IS a taboo... so expressing ur intentions
before marrying first one would basically result in she declining to marry you. Everyone knows that men are polygenous in nature. So no use of expressing that before marriage. But once you are in a good relationship with wife and have established your rapport, then gradually explain to her that we men have this impulse to be with more women;;;Women are more in number and one-on-one match results in many ladies ending up un-matched;;;And assure her of continued support & company;;; and that you will not take sides & will deal with them justly as much as possible.
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***
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Both men & women have three major gender related hormones
1.Testosterone (Androgens)
2.Estrogen.
3.Progesterone
Men have (1) much more than (2 &3),,, women have (2 &3) much more than (1). But still both gender have all three of them.
Libido (impulse to have sex) is
driven by Testosterone, both in men & in women.
Even in women libido is a function of Testosterone. That's why for
frigid women, who lack interest in having sex, they have
Testosterone-Patches & Testosterone-Spray available.
Normal range of Testosterone is:
Men:
270-1,070 ng/dL Average=670
Women:
15-70 ng/dL Average=42
Lets say there's a normal-man with weakest libido, a normal-woman with strongest libido within normal limits.
That weakest man still has
~4 times the desire compared to that strongest woman.
270/70 = 3.9
Lets say there's an Average-Libido man and an Average-Libido woman. Then the guy has
15 times stronger impulse to have sex. >>> 670/42 = 15.95
Not only that. Female hormones & hence libido changes through the menstrual cycle. Female being most receptive around ovulation time. While could lack interest farthest from ovulation time. Then she could be having periods for 7 days & could be pregnant for 9 months etc. During such times man either has to be patient which could possibly result in sexual frustration, or could go to the other wife if he has one.
But for men the libido is intense 24/7... Almost all the time, unless psychological pressures etc curb it.
Besides testosterone levels,
the software GOD has
installed up in brains of men & women is somewhat different. Men are polygenous by virtue of that program installed in the hardware of brain.
So it is simple science and part of human biology that men desire more partners. It`s requirement of social fabric bcoz there are more ladies than men. It`s a good way to support divorced & widowed etc. That is what a husband need to gradually make first wife understand while gaining her confidence.
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... under their control (that "which your right hand possesses") without a formal nikah.
Nikah is Ejab-o-Kabool between a man and a lady. That's all a nikah is. An
announced-committed-relationship. The only difference was that lady "that your right hand possesses" was not to be paid "Hak Mahr". In society of that time where majority of ppl had difficulty affording basic necessities of life, Hak-Mehr would have been a big deal.
Relationship with slave lady was also an "announced committed relationship". Committed bcoz one slave lady was specific for one person. Even slave for a woman was only her slave and her husband could NOT have relations with his wife's slave-lady unless wife gave explicit permission to husband & gave her slave to her husband. Like was the case when Ibraheim was NOT having a child with Sarah & then Sarah gave her slave (Hajarah) to her husband Ibraheim. Only then Ibraheim entered in announced-committed-relationship (Nikah) with Hajarah and they bore a son Ismail.
My point is;;
relationship with slave lady fulfills the basic conditions of a Nikah (a committed-announced-relationship)... except for Hak-Mehr...
It was narrated from Muhammad bin Hatib that the Messenger of Allah said: “What differentiates between the lawful (Nikah) and the unlawful (Fornication) is (beating) the Daff and raising the voices (in song) at the time of marriage(i.e. making it known; announcing it).”
Sunan Ibn Majah:1896.
Grade:Hasan (Darussalam) Sunan Ibn MajahEnglish reference:Vol. 3, Book 9, Hadith 1896, Arabic reference:Book 9, Hadith 1971.
It was narrated from 'Aishah:that the Prophet said: “Announce this marriage, and beat the sieve for it.”
Sunan Ibn Majah:English ref:Vol. 3, Book 9, Hadith 1895, Arabic ref:Book 9, Hadith 1970.
Have you forgotten about the harems of the Muslim Kings and Princes of the past (and present)?
Muslims & Muslim Kings don't define what "Islam" is.
So-called "Muslims" do all sorts things that are NOT islam.
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Shadi arne ka khyal aya for a few secnds 
