http://blog.dawn.com:91/dblog/2009/06/20/to-pakistani-fans/
To Pakistani fans
Imran Yusuf offers advice to archetypal supporters of the Pakistan cricket team on the eve of the Twenty20 World Cup Final.
To the die-hard fan with an encyclopedic knowledge of Pakistan cricket who, every match, stares open-mouthed at the selection of Fawad Alam and asks, dumbfounded, What is he doing there?: Man, just get over it. Its like the meaning of life, or one of Donald Rumsfelds known unknowns. Just resign yourself to the fact that some things are forever beyond the understanding of us mere mortals.
To the guy whose girlfriend has developed a really annoying crush on Shahid Afridi: An Afridi 50 means well probably win the match and be World Champions. An Afridi failure means your girlfriend will go back to seeing him as a floppy-haired loser. For you, its a win-win situation, so stop worrying and love the Lala.
To the grand-father who keeps saying Test cricket is the only cricket Im interested in: Nobody believes you anymore, youve watched every game in the tournament and every time you watch a Test match you fall asleep within 10 minutes. Also, dont think we havent noticed you following the Womens T20 World Cup
To the nervous wreck who keeps saying that Mohammad Aamir is too young to take the new ball and also to bowl at the death: Stop looking at his age and look at his performances. Hes been superb. And in any case, he might not be 17. The ages of young Pakistani cricketers are as dubious as those of old Hollywood actresses.
To the pseudo-intellectual who despises sports, dismissing them as charades diverting the masses from their real struggles, and claims to be reading in his room but is actually listening intently through the walls whenever voices are raised: Nothing matches sport for epic drama, narrative complexity, bodily intelligence, psychological strength and sheer fun. So put down your Albert Camus novel and join us in the TV room. And for what its worth, Camus once wrote that what I most surely know in the long run about morality and the obligations of men, I owe to sport. Oh, its not all sport you despise, only cricket? Well then, how about this from another certain favourite of yours, Harold Pinter: I tend to think that cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth. Enough said.
To the Khala who barely watches the match because shes continuously saying duas for the team: Pakistan cricket is not that important. Besides, God created everything for all eternity, so one imagines He probably enjoys Test cricket more than T20.
To the young Khala with a glint in her eye: I dont mind you talking about the appeal of certain players in the team, but please try to use a word other than dashing for Younis Khan. And yes, we know that Malik used to be cuter.
To the patience testing bore who spends most of the game, irrespective of the match situation, saying, But you never, ever know with Pakistan: Perhaps thats true, but at least one always, always, always knows with you, and what youre going to say. Put some chilli chips in your gob and shush up.
To the young man watching with his in-laws: This is your chance to let your hair down and release all that pent-up aggression caused by endless takalluf. Spew out gaalis, jump and shout. Enjoy yourself! For one night only your mother-in-law will turn a blind eye, and who knows, maybe your father-in-law will finally take a liking to you.
To the young woman watching with her in-laws: During the match your worst fears will be confirmed. You werent being paranoid they really are that weird.
To the nice person who knows nothing about cricket but is curious by nature and has a genuine anthropological interest in whats going on: Dont ask. Not today. Im not being rude, I just dont think the Twenty20 World Cup Final is the time to explain why its not LBW when the ball pitches outside leg-stump.
To the uber-nationalist who thinks its all about Pakistan, that our side is blessed with unique divine talents, that were only really playing ourselves because if we play well nobody can stop us, and if the other team wins, its only because Pakistan had an off day: Thats somewhat conceited when the opposition includes Mendis, Murali, Malinga, Sangakkara, Jayawardene, Jayasuriya, Dilshan
(Ill stop there. This is getting depressing.)
To British-Pakistanis: If we win, make sure you celebrate like theres no tomorrow, because there probably wont be for you. After blowing of all those horns, youre all going to be locked up in prison for life on charges of noise pollution.
To the college student whose opinions seem suspiciously second-hand: We read Osman Samiuddins articles, too.
To the girl who loves to prove shes one of the guys and (very loudly, so the whole room can hear), bemoans and it is always a moan Razzaqs lack of pace and Kamrans attempt to pull off too many pull-shots and Malik not clearing the field: Weve noticed you only ever say negative things about the team a clear case of trying too hard.
To the girl who really is one of the guys and actually knows her cricket inside out: Dont worry about the girl above. We know who you are.
To the Pakistani-American kids who are here on their summer vacation and visiting family: Watch your language. Dont say pitcher, home run or curve ball, no matter how appropriate these parallels might be and however much they make you feel closer to your mother culture. Oh, and while were at it, its summer holiday, not vacation.
To the insecure middle-aged man who has always been indifferent about cricket and wishes he had more interest, but hasnt watched a game since the last World Cup: Stop saying, Its ok. Misbah is still to come, he can win us the game. Just stop it. Misbahs been awful all tournament and if nobody points this out to you, its because they dont want to hurt your feelings.
To the serious Uncle who cautions against unbounded optimism and doesnt believe were going to win even when we need 1 run off 38 balls with 7 wickets in hand: I know youve been burned by the Pakistan team so many times that you dont want to make yourself vulnerable. But whats the point of the game if you cant loosen up and enjoy the moments as theyre happening? So chill out, smile with your family, cheer and chant alongside them. Be free. (However, this freedom does not extend to dancing. You are still not allowed to do that under any circumstances.)
To the guy who has recently found religion and now perceives it in everything he sees: When Pakistan win a match, it is not a victory for Islam and a triumph over infidels, just as, when we lose, it is not punishment from God.
To the Pakistani who is supporting Sri Lanka because of the wonderful time she had on holiday there, because the people there are so nice, and its a beautiful country: Why watch the match when theres a direct flight from Quaid-e-Azam International to Colombo at 21.30? Oh, how we will miss you. Do send a postcard. Cheerio.
To the friend who masks his inner passion, nervousness and juvenile hope with an aloof demeanor and smart-*** one-liners: Stop being ironic about everything. Its alright to lose your cool and admit your heart soars and leaps and does somersaults at the glorious sight of an Umer Gul run-up.
To all of us: In Song of Myself, Walt Whitman writes, I also say it is good to fall, battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won. Win or lose, if our team play with passion and commitment, we should all applaud them for the heroes they are, and thank them for the joyous diversion theyve provided over these past two weeks. (Yeah right! If we lose, see you at Liberty Market for a good old-fashioned dose of effigy burning.)