Joke
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Sugarcane
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Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
The nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!
The nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits then?"
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!
Iggy
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Since its 31st Dec... Below Self Care Tips will be useful....
1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure : Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward...
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure : Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.
Cause : looking through an empty glass.
Cure : Quickly refill your glass!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure : At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it
Cure : Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure : Ask if they can point you to your house.
7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure : Don't move. Let the professionals do their job
ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST.
1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure : Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward...
2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure : Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.
Cause : looking through an empty glass.
Cure : Quickly refill your glass!
4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure : At least ask where they're taking you!
5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it
Cure : Stop making a fool of yourself!
6. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure : Ask if they can point you to your house.
7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure : Don't move. Let the professionals do their job
ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST.
ghazi52
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Goal Keeper.............
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says.
"Yes." he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.
"It's best I stay here." he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
The boy replies:
"Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says.
"Yes." he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.
"It's best I stay here." he says.
"Why?" asks the blonde.
The boy replies:
"Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"
Last edited:
Osama Ali_16
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Aik Indian ne Pakistani se poocha, ""Bhai jaan pakistan mei aur kuttey mei kia farq hai?". Pakistani replied "Aik border ka"
Sugarcane
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The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the
gas mask on is suffocating to me!
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says.
'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth ! ! ! ! !.
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the
gas mask on is suffocating to me!
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says.
'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth ! ! ! ! !.
MastanKhan
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That cracked me up---best joke of the month.
Kinetic
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Nawaz Sharif comes to Delhi for a meeting with PM Modi. After dinner, Modi says to Nawaz: "Well Nawaz, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Nawaz "Oh well, it's simple", says Modi. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".
He calls Jaitley over and asks him "Tell me Jaitleyji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Jaitley, "it is me!!" "Well done Jaitley", says Modi and Nawaz is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? ". "Of course", says Nawaz, "You've got 24 hours."
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.Twenty hours later, the member of Nawaz's cabinet is very worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself: "I'll ask Bill Obama, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Obama. "Mr.President", he says, "Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says Obama, "It's me!!"
"Wonderful!!" says the Cabinet member and hangs up. Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Nawaz. "Sir, I've got the answer!!".
"What is it?"
"It's Barack Obama".
"No, you idiot", says Nawaz, "It's Jaitley".
He calls Jaitley over and asks him "Tell me Jaitleyji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Jaitley, "it is me!!" "Well done Jaitley", says Modi and Nawaz is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? ". "Of course", says Nawaz, "You've got 24 hours."
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.Twenty hours later, the member of Nawaz's cabinet is very worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself: "I'll ask Bill Obama, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Obama. "Mr.President", he says, "Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says Obama, "It's me!!"
"Wonderful!!" says the Cabinet member and hangs up. Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Nawaz. "Sir, I've got the answer!!".
"What is it?"
"It's Barack Obama".
"No, you idiot", says Nawaz, "It's Jaitley".
Sugarcane
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The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about ISIS
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus..
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem of ISIS to be solved by Friday.
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about ISIS
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus..
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem of ISIS to be solved by Friday.
asad71
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After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers home-coming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I f*****d my wife." Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.
"After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"
"I f****d her again." he answered.
If possible the journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.
"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you was finished with all that?!"
"Then I unstrapped my skis and my heavy backpack."
"Excuse me," she said "but were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I f*****d my wife." Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.
"After that. I mean, what did you do after that?"
"I f****d her again." he answered.
If possible the journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.
"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you was finished with all that?!"
"Then I unstrapped my skis and my heavy backpack."
asad71
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Doomed patient !!!!
A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandablynervous. When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he losthis gripon the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into thepatient'sthroat.
"Sorry," said the doctor. "You'reoutside my specialty now.You should see a laryngologist! [throat specialist]
"Bythe time theunfortunate victim got to· the laryngologist, the tooth hadworked itsway much further down.The laryngologist examined the man."Sorry,"saidthe doctor, "You're outside my specialty now. Youshould see agastrologist! [stomach specialist]
The gastrologistX-rayed thepatient. "Sorry," said the doctor,"the toothhas traveled into yourlower intestines. You should see an enterologist![intestinalspecialist].''
The enterologist took some X rays."Sorry, the toothisn't there. It must have gone down farther You shouldsee aproctologist! [a specialist in diseases of the RECTUM,"
Ourpatient is now on the proctologist's examining table, in the properelbow-knee position. The· doctor has inserted a proctoscopeand islooking through it.
"Good heavens, man! You've got a tooth up there!You should see a dentist!"
THERE'S YOUR JOURNEY ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP AGAIN WITHSPECIALTIES IN MEDICINE !!!!!!! SAFE JOURNEY????
A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandablynervous. When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he losthis gripon the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into thepatient'sthroat.
"Sorry," said the doctor. "You'reoutside my specialty now.You should see a laryngologist! [throat specialist]
"Bythe time theunfortunate victim got to· the laryngologist, the tooth hadworked itsway much further down.The laryngologist examined the man."Sorry,"saidthe doctor, "You're outside my specialty now. Youshould see agastrologist! [stomach specialist]
The gastrologistX-rayed thepatient. "Sorry," said the doctor,"the toothhas traveled into yourlower intestines. You should see an enterologist![intestinalspecialist].''
The enterologist took some X rays."Sorry, the toothisn't there. It must have gone down farther You shouldsee aproctologist! [a specialist in diseases of the RECTUM,"
Ourpatient is now on the proctologist's examining table, in the properelbow-knee position. The· doctor has inserted a proctoscopeand islooking through it.
"Good heavens, man! You've got a tooth up there!You should see a dentist!"
THERE'S YOUR JOURNEY ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP AGAIN WITHSPECIALTIES IN MEDICINE !!!!!!! SAFE JOURNEY????
asad71
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*BARACK & MICHELLE OBAMA
*Clinton all over again - hates the military and looks down on the Secret Service. He is egotistical and cunning. He looks you in the eye and appears to agree with you but turns around and does the opposite. He has temper tantrums.*
*She is a complete bitch who basically hates anybody who is not black, hates the military and looks at the Secret Service as servants.*
A ‘TRUE STORY ABOUT’ General McChrystal's resignation in Obama's office from General McChrystal's book! NEVER STAND IN LINE AGAIN
Some men carry and handle their diplomacy better than others. When former U.S. Military commander in Afghanistan, General McChrystal, was called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting him in his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied, and he handed Obama his resignation.
Not satisfied with accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President made a cheap parting shot. "I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."
The General saluted and said, "Mr. President, I always told myself after leaving the Army I'd never stand in line again."
