Joke

[shining eyes]

Make the Woman Happy:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

- Do something she likes, and you get points.
- Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
- You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system…

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy(-2)

Named Tina (-4)

Tina is a dancer (-6)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter
what]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)



========================================================



Tech Support Classics

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No ,wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s
still on my desk… sorry….
===============
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m
not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print.
Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can’t find it…
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah ………………..thank you.
===============
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple,
a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do
I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his printer is working fine.”
===============
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of
the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program
Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

[Panjabi Tiger]

Pathan:College Ki Ladki Se Bola

I Love U!

Ab Tum Mujhe Bolo

Girl:Mai Abhi Ja K Sir Ko Bolti Hun

Pathan: Pagal Ki Buchi Sir Ko Mt Bol Unki Shadi Ho Gai Hai.:



Another one :






Pathan Galti Se Samunder Me Gir Gaya.... Doobte Doobte Uske Hath Me Machli Aayi....Use Pakad Kar Bahar Pheka Aur Bola Ja Tu Toh Apni Jan
Bacha Le...;-)

 

[STEELMAN]

Ek aadmi bhagwan se...

Tune bachpan diya,
Cheen liya.

Jawani di cheen li,

Paisa diya vo bhi vapas le liya ,

ek biwi bhi di thi
Bhool gaye kya.........

 

[Panjabi Tiger]

Another one :



Teacher: Tumhare Abbu Ka Kya Naam Hai?

Pathan: Google Khan

Teacher: Yeh Kaisa Naam Hua?

Pathan: Hum Jahan B Hota Hai, Wo Humko Dhoond Hi Leta Hai.

 

[S.U.R.B.]

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about
their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a
chemist's shop. Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."





Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents
list..."​

 

[Sugarcane]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural area.

Panic stricken, the local police officer mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The officer and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hey," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force C130, President of Pakistan was in plane ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"President Zardari is dead?" the officer asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sumbitch lies...

 

[karan.1970]

The Chinese obsession for making fake products is their revenge on the rest of the world for making fake Chinese food.

 

[Sugarcane]

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at office.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F___kin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

 

[SpArK]

 

[Royan]

Must Read for Every Man and ofcourse Woman
(to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just
realize the value of a man;
and
if it's a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, Bhagwan appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"


The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

Bhagwan went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" Bhagwan asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

Bhagwan again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" Bhagwan asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

Bhagwan went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" Bhagwan asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
Bhagwan was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, Bhagwan again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Bhagwan, my wife has fallen into the water!"

Bhagwan went down into the water and came up with Ashwarya Rai
"Is this your wife?" Bhagwan asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

Bhagwan was furious. "You lied! That is not true!"

The woodcutter replied,
"Oh, forgive me, Bhagwan. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Ashwarya Rai,
You would have come up withPriyanka Chopra.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Bhagwan, I am a poor man, and will not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Ashwarya Rai ."

So the moral of the story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honest reason,
and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -

 

[SpArK]

 

[third eye]

 

[The bridge]

I wonder, What the met dept in pakistan does? May be not forecasting the weather but guessing.

 

[buddyboyyash]

AMERICAN MOVIES TEACH US:
1. Chinese have nothing better to
do
than teaching or practice Kung Fu.
2. More than 50% of U.S.
population
are FBI/CIA agents, working
undercover.
3. The purpose of school system
of
U.S. is to promote basketball.
4. Aliens have special interest in
attacking U.S.
5. U.S. is a place where you can
meet
all mythical creatures like
warewolves
and
vampires.
INDIAN MOVIES TEACH US:
1. At least one of the identical
twins is
born evil.
2. While defusing a bomb, do not
worry, whichever wire you cut
you"always choose
the right".
3. A hero will show no pain, while
getting beaten up; but will show
pain
when a girl
cleans up his wound.
4. A detective can solve a case only
when he is suspended from duty.
5. If you decide to start dancing
on the
street, everyone you meet will
know the steps..

 

[MastanKhan]

Blonde jokes---specially the last one


Blonde Jokes - Blonde Tests - YouTube