Joke

[MastanKhan]

"Why some men wear earrings"

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

"Shepherd's logic"

A few years ago, some folks from the Humane Society and the U.S. Forest Service were at a farm meeting presenting an alternative to West Virginia sheep producers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after several years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the animal rights folks had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the coyotes to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

All of the shepherds at the meeting thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

 

[MastanKhan]

Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
SH2: What about the sheep?!?
SH1: Screw the sheep!!!!
SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?

An Aussie journalist was in New Zealand doing stories where he saw a Kiwi farmer doing unnatural things with a sheep. He approached the Kiwi and firstly asked, "What sort of sheep is that?" He scribbled down the farmer's reply - "a Merino". The next question was, "Do you shear them?" The farmer replied hastily, "No! Go and find yer own!" (You'll need to know how a Kiwi's accent sounds to appreciate this joke!)

( shear / share )

 

[Sugarcane]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is " sternum".

 

[Dem!god]

God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those whom he considered the three most influential people in the world. President of USA Barrack Obama, Chinese President Xi Jinping, and Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh.

"The world will end," God told them. "You must go and tell the people."

Obama, made a live statement on TV, "I've good news and BAD news." he said. "The good news is that we have been right, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world."

The second person, Xi Jinping sent out a worldwide message, "I've bad news and WORSE news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wrong all along - there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world."

Third person, Manmohan Singh immediately calls up Sonia Gandhi and says, "I've good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most influential people in the world. The better news is that we do not have to worry about how to stop Modi or Kejriwal from becoming PM."
***************************************************************************************************************************************************
Ek ladki roz jab college se ghar ati to ek ladke ko apne ghar ke bahar khada dekhti.

Aisa roz hota tha, even pura 1 saal beet gaya. Aur wo ladka roz us ko apne ghar ke samne nazar aata.

Wo kuch nahi kehta tha bas chup chaap kabhi agey pechay aur kabhi apne mobile phone ko dekhta.

Ladki ko yaqeen hone laga ki ladka usko chahta hai.

Ek din ladki himmat kar ke us ke pass gayi aur pucha, "Tum roz aise mere ghar ke bahar kyun khade hote ho ??

Ladka ghabra gaya aur foran bola, "Maaf karna bahen actually tumhare Wifi pe password nahi laga hua wo use karne aata hun...."
*************************************************************************************************************************************************
A woman came storming at the Postal counter.

She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, "This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery. He left this note for us to pick up from Post office, but my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?"

The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady.

Then just casually he asked, "Ma'am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?"

The lady replied, "My husband's first new hearing aids."

@levina @chak de INDIA @Indischer @vicky sen

 

[think@best]

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed."
=====================================================================
An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!!
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman
said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.

Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.

 

[Marshmallow]

 

[Dem!god]

 

[Thirdfront]

An absolutely Brilliant Joke, ENJOY!!!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.

did you leave out the part where husband gets twice milder heart attack??

 

[think@best]

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

did you leave out the part where husband gets twice milder heart attack??

The man had a heart attack ten times 'milder' than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

You can forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor

 

[vicky sen]

God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those whom he considered the three most influential people in the world. President of USA Barrack Obama, Chinese President Xi Jinping, and Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh.

"The world will end," God told them. "You must go and tell the people."

Obama, made a live statement on TV, "I've good news and BAD news." he said. "The good news is that we have been right, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world."

The second person, Xi Jinping sent out a worldwide message, "I've bad news and WORSE news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wrong all along - there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world."

Third person, Manmohan Singh immediately calls up Sonia Gandhi and says, "I've good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most influential people in the world. The better news is that we do not have to worry about how to stop Modi or Kejriwal from becoming PM."
***************************************************************************************************************************************************
Ek ladki roz jab college se ghar ati to ek ladke ko apne ghar ke bahar khada dekhti.

Aisa roz hota tha, even pura 1 saal beet gaya. Aur wo ladka roz us ko apne ghar ke samne nazar aata.

Wo kuch nahi kehta tha bas chup chaap kabhi agey pechay aur kabhi apne mobile phone ko dekhta.

Ladki ko yaqeen hone laga ki ladka usko chahta hai.

Ek din ladki himmat kar ke us ke pass gayi aur pucha, "Tum roz aise mere ghar ke bahar kyun khade hote ho ??

Ladka ghabra gaya aur foran bola, "Maaf karna bahen actually tumhare Wifi pe password nahi laga hua wo use karne aata hun...."
*************************************************************************************************************************************************
A woman came storming at the Postal counter.

She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, "This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery. He left this note for us to pick up from Post office, but my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?"

The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady.

Then just casually he asked, "Ma'am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?"

The lady replied, "My husband's first new hearing aids."

@levina @chak de INDIA @Indischer @vicky sen

Nice ones bro!!!

 

[Dem!god]

Nice ones bro!!!

so, busy with exams..

 

[vicky sen]

so, busy with exams..

Yeah....

Plus... neighbor went out of town.. so no Wifi
#kidding

 

[Dem!god]

@Parul
hey, delete your last comment....

 

[Parul]

@Dem!god chill maar, maine jo likha hai, woh 100% saach hai.

 

[qamar1990]

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

lmfao