This is year 14 away from Pakistan, & my 10th in the US. I don't know what is more painful: the fact that the 10 years of my childhood in Pakistan were the greatest, or how much Pakistan has 'apparently changed' in the next 14 years of my life. Maybe it had to do with childhood innocence, but I have never been happier in my life than the first 10 years I spent in Pakistan. I have been spellbound by Pakistan's "magic" from my childhood. It was the time when Pakistan had won the cricket World Cup in 1992, & everyone had a "natural high. You could hear patriotic songs everywhere, & people showed great pride in them, in getting 'consumed' by them. It was time of extreme happiness & joy, with very little sorrow or lows: it was magical. I think it is criminal for someone who grew up in the 90s, in an era of happiness & joy in Pakistan, to hate Pakistan today; for whatever reason. One had to grow up in those years in Pakistan to understand what I mean. Which is why I still have a lot of hope & optimism in Pakistan.
In the past 14 years, I have been visiting Pakistan almost every year, but I've missed out on the magic of actually living in Pakistan. Living here in America, & being separated from your love for 14 years is hard to explain. I feel like that despite being in America for so many years, my heart is still in Pakistan. I cannot explain to others what I feel about Pakistan, because I don't know what I feel about Pakistan a lot of times. For the most part, I am very optimistic about Pakistan. The few other times, I'm down & out, very confused. I want to live in Islamabad again, my first & (to be) last home. Living in America has sucked the life out of me, & I'd rather feel 'truly alive' living in Pakistan. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel the magic in Pakistan is still there: I want to go to the mountains in Gilgit-Baltistan, I want to enjoy the Thar Desert in Sindh, I want to enjoy the beauty of Naran-Kaghan, I want to go to Darra Adam Khel & check out the gun factory, I want to go to Balochistan & enjoy its beautiful landscape. I want to enjoy the rush of Karachi & Lahore, I want to enjoy the relaxed, easygoing lifestyle of Islamabad.
God, I miss Pakistan.