Anyone with experience on how to deal with a parent who is extremely unwell?

[Savak]

Asa savak...
I am a medic and can tell u tht she will probably get worse. I cant wrap it in silk as this is the harsh reality and one needs to accept it and manage the situation.
Living in west will give you latest medical care and home based paramedic services but it will cost you an arm and a length.
Whereas living in pakistan might not give you the best medical care but the support that she will get from a full time caregiver (always hire 2 ppl unknown to each other) plus a daily visit of a physiotherapist along with a visit by a nurse would be affordable.
If you end up engaging a good team of an foreign qualified neuro and a psychiatrist in karachi then it would benefit her alot. These are things u cant manage or plan in west.

Now let me give you an advise brother and for your sake i hope you listen to this selflessly.
Over the years i have seen people provide patients/ parents the best medical care tht money can buy and they have literally purchased and arranged care and machinery that is mind boggling but they repent their actions and deeds as they did not give their parents personal time and attention. I will give u 2 brief examples..
1...
A close friends mom died recently after remission of breast cancer and it spread all over. He provided the best treatment for her, air lifted meds from abroad and bought her paramedic staff care and was present on her every appointment with the oncologist. He built his business and still managed her appointments in between the trips and meetings. Now a few yrs after she has gone he still repents for not holding her hand or feeding her or for taking her out for a drive etc. The guilt is killing him from inside. He has started winding up the business to a more comfortable level so as to give more time to his dad and family but every phone call and meeting shakes me to my core which is strange as we drs become emotionally strong over the years.
2...
A colleagues father died after a long battle with blood cancer. He bought every medical care you could think off. I mean literally.. He travelled with him to islamabad, karachi and sent reports globally for 2nd opinion. He took his dad out to northern areas and markets on his good days. When he was on his death bed for a few months he was with his dad carrying him to wash room and feeding him cerelac, corn flakes and grounded nuts plus cereals. When he died they had only 1 lac left with them and he was under 4 million debt. He had sold off literally everything. Now he lives contended and over last 7 to 8 years god almighty has showered him with wealth and cobtentment that is beyond belief and is worth envying infact.

The moral of the story is.. Cut ur mom, urself and ur family some slack and think long term. I am telling you now brother whatever you do with her can make u a man or can make u a hollow man who will see the same fate. I aint an islamic preacher but due to my profession i have seen enough to say the above.

May god make ur mom better, may God help u in taking the right decision. Ameen

Hi @AsifIjaz. Your response was most insightful. Thought I would give you an update

The doctors and others originally thought it was Parkinson's but most Parkinson's cases show people going through a general decline over atleast 10 years. However in my mom's case she has really deteriorated at a rapidly fast pace to the point where it is now clearly visible at all family outings and functions and can just not be hidden anymore.

My baby sister got married this week and how my mom pulled through was a miracle but she now is more or less dependent on others and has it not been for my aunts, parents best friends there is no way she could have pulled through.

But her speech has slowed, mobility has slowed and declined, her hands don't shake like Parkinson's but she has fallen badly a lot of times due to low blood pressure problems because of the meds she has to take and then to counter it she takes on medication to increase blood flow to the brain.

Like I am on study leave from work for two months for my final CPA exam and have finally seen first hand on what the situation is. I follow her around, don't let her climb stairs alone, heck we don't even let her close the washroom and she fell down badly in the washroom and I had to go in and it took her at least 20 min where she kept getting up, down and then she crawled to her bed and then told me to get her the blood pressure tablets

But most people are now suspecting that this is not Parkinson's at all and it is something else because normally someone with Parkinson's does not show such a rapid decline

Getting the help she needs is a huge pain here in Canada. Every govt sponsored caregiving program has a huge list of requirements where they come visit the patient and then you have to meet a certain sickness threshold to qualify and it will not necessarily be the same caregiver coming daily but someone different and a lot of these people are not all compassionate. Even private caregiving organizations take a while before they get back to you.

But I honestly think my mom can get much elite care back home in Pakistan where like you said 1-2 full time 24/7 nurses, a daily physiotherapist, psychiatrist, top most qualified neurosurgeon can pay a visit whenever required at home and it is much less a hassle to obtain all this back home.

 

[Dubious]

@Savak do you want me to merge this with your other thread:
https://defence.pk/pdf/threads/is-i...-of-but-youre-not-interested-in.626527/page-3

This way you wont have to repeat your history?

 

[MastanKhan]

It is really nerve wracking to see one's parents become extremely unwell and deteriorating rapidly with each and every passing second.

My mother was an extremely proud, ambitious, determined, steadfast woman who rose to the top of her career, profession and single handedly looked after us as a father when my father was travelling outside for work 3 weeks every month. She rose to the top of her gynaecology dept in the govt department she used to work in back home in Pakistan and also did 3-4 private clinics and a few teaching positions as well as keeping an eye on us at home. Working in a Pakistani govt hospital is really hard especially dealing with corrupt PPP politicians who have taken over all govt institutions in Sindh and totally destroyed everything.

While Me and my dad moved to Canada 6-7 years ago, my mother and my baby sister didn't move because she wanted her to do medicine in one of the top medical schools in Pakistan as she believed it would be a much better option rather than doing medicine in medical school in Canada or the US. But trust me, living a split family life has huge ramifications between spouses and no matter how loving and understanding they are, it takes a toll where both spouses feel the other doesn't understand each other or communicate or show patience with each other. Heck the one consequence of me living all by myself mostly on my own in the last 7 years is that I myself don't have the patience to live with people and prefer solitude most of the times.

My mother finally had enough and retired for good a year ago once my sister finished medical school in Pakistan and she finally wanted all of us to start living as a family again. She was unhappy about living in Canada knowing that living in the West will be a totally different ball game to living in the comforts of Pakistan but she was like its not an option. Unfortunately things have just gotten worse, a year and a half ago my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's but it is incredibly shocking to see how rapidly the whole symptoms have spread. It's gotten so bad now, she can no longer eat properly, she can't walk unassisted, she feels dizzy and hazy a lot, can't move her neck and her speech has become slurred.

My dad travels a lot, three weeks in a month for work, I work for an accounting firm and my hours are very brutal where I am either working 10-12 hours plus a day or studying for exams. My baby sister quite her job recently so that she could focus on her USMLE exams in the US and while she is at home most of the times to take care of our mom, she is getting married by the summer of next year and will not be around for ever.

It is just frightening to see how much help my mother needs. My daadi is 86 years old where she has health issues of her own but even she commented that atleast I can lift things and eat properly and efficiently if I want too. We have been pressing mom to agree to let us hire a helper who can help her out with doing house chores and a caregiver but she is so far refusing.

Although something like this should not be said for ones parents but it is proving to be very impossible having to live in the West and to take care of someone who needs full time care and both me and my dad can't quit our jobs either. Last night my dad told my mom pointblank that she has got to accept help from a full time care giver. My mom is still refusing and even emotionally blackmailed that if we impose a caregiver on her then she would rather go back home to Pakistan where the cost of hiring help is much cheaper. Anyways I thought I would ask people over here if they have had any experience or issues with this especially in the West. Me and my dad have tried our best, but practically speaking we can only be able to watch her full time over the weekends but it is not possible forever. My dad was in favour of telling the rest of the family members about her deteriorating condition so that people would have a better understanding and would try to help make her comfortable as much as possible but my mom was against it saying that people will spread things and any future parent or girl they try to pursue for me will be put off by an unwell mother in law.

Looking forward to people sharing their opinions, experiences and practical suggestions

https://www.facebook.com/groups/Mol...ViL4Z2CmnLGgUWTw784P4peYGXSp4mn0L0ha6GgHKwJzY


Hi,

If it gives you any solace---join Molly's movement on facebook---see what other people are going thru---join the group and share your thoughts---.

The pain & suffering of the patient---adult children & those taking care of them is terrible---but they still do the best that they can---.

We live in a ruthless and a brutal world---and the price that we pay for our indiscretions is extremely high---.

We do not know about that when we are young---because a bird has to fly when it grows wings---and so do we---not realizing the consequences at that time---.

I have asked my wife & children---if I am ever in a critical condition---just let me go---do not waste a penny on me---do not let me be bed ridden on tubes---. I have enjoyed good life thanks to the mercies of Allah & the prayers of the family---so please my dignity intact when it is my time to go---.

You are in for a battle---and it is only you who can do what you have to---.

May Allah bless you---because Allah knows that you need it bad---.

 

[Savak]

My dad broke to me in secret that my mom actually has Multiple System Atrophy. Am lost for words

 

[Umair Nawaz]

It is really nerve wracking to see one's parents become extremely unwell and deteriorating rapidly with each and every passing second.

My mother was an extremely proud, ambitious, determined, steadfast woman who rose to the top of her career, profession and single handedly looked after us as a father when my father was travelling outside for work 3 weeks every month. She rose to the top of her gynaecology dept in the govt department she used to work in back home in Pakistan and also did 3-4 private clinics and a few teaching positions as well as keeping an eye on us at home. Working in a Pakistani govt hospital is really hard especially dealing with corrupt PPP politicians who have taken over all govt institutions in Sindh and totally destroyed everything.

While Me and my dad moved to Canada 6-7 years ago, my mother and my baby sister didn't move because she wanted her to do medicine in one of the top medical schools in Pakistan as she believed it would be a much better option rather than doing medicine in medical school in Canada or the US. But trust me, living a split family life has huge ramifications between spouses and no matter how loving and understanding they are, it takes a toll where both spouses feel the other doesn't understand each other or communicate or show patience with each other. Heck the one consequence of me living all by myself mostly on my own in the last 7 years is that I myself don't have the patience to live with people and prefer solitude most of the times.

My mother finally had enough and retired for good a year ago once my sister finished medical school in Pakistan and she finally wanted all of us to start living as a family again. She was unhappy about living in Canada knowing that living in the West will be a totally different ball game to living in the comforts of Pakistan but she was like its not an option. Unfortunately things have just gotten worse, a year and a half ago my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's but it is incredibly shocking to see how rapidly the whole symptoms have spread. It's gotten so bad now, she can no longer eat properly, she can't walk unassisted, she feels dizzy and hazy a lot, can't move her neck and her speech has become slurred.

My dad travels a lot, three weeks in a month for work, I work for an accounting firm and my hours are very brutal where I am either working 10-12 hours plus a day or studying for exams. My baby sister quite her job recently so that she could focus on her USMLE exams in the US and while she is at home most of the times to take care of our mom, she is getting married by the summer of next year and will not be around for ever.

It is just frightening to see how much help my mother needs. My daadi is 86 years old where she has health issues of her own but even she commented that atleast I can lift things and eat properly and efficiently if I want too. We have been pressing mom to agree to let us hire a helper who can help her out with doing house chores and a caregiver but she is so far refusing.

Although something like this should not be said for ones parents but it is proving to be very impossible having to live in the West and to take care of someone who needs full time care and both me and my dad can't quit our jobs either. Last night my dad told my mom pointblank that she has got to accept help from a full time care giver. My mom is still refusing and even emotionally blackmailed that if we impose a caregiver on her then she would rather go back home to Pakistan where the cost of hiring help is much cheaper. Anyways I thought I would ask people over here if they have had any experience or issues with this especially in the West. Me and my dad have tried our best, but practically speaking we can only be able to watch her full time over the weekends but it is not possible forever. My dad was in favour of telling the rest of the family members about her deteriorating condition so that people would have a better understanding and would try to help make her comfortable as much as possible but my mom was against it saying that people will spread things and any future parent or girl they try to pursue for me will be put off by an unwell mother in law.

Looking forward to people sharing their opinions, experiences and practical suggestions

here is advice! come back to Pakistan, but live in Islamabad all of u! and get married here and live here as well. And then hire a helper in here...yr mother is right though.

Life is very easy and good in Islamabad, this aint Karachi

 

[Kabira]

My cousin is going through same. Her mother was sick for many years in Pakistan. They finally got her visa to move to west where medical care is much more advance. Unfortunately in west she got worse after few months. Now she want to move back to Pakistan because she doesn't like living there.

 

[newb3e]

please go back to your mother help her serve her may Allah give her health and long life but ull regret it when she js not around! and that regret will kill you everyday;

 

[Aasimkhan]

I have seen it all happen to my mother. In last stages she went into coma and remained in coma for 6 years. Trust me you will get everything in life but you wont get a mother. If you are in karachi ai am ready to look after your mother just like my own. I cant hold my tears while i write these lines. My experience is all at your disposal brother. Its a very valuable first hand experience which you wont find in any book. I pray Allah Pak solves all your problems, Ameen

 

[Umair Nawaz]

I have seen it all happen to my mother. In last stages she went into coma and remained in coma for 6 years. Trust me you will get everything in life but you wont get a mother. If you are in karachi ai am ready to look after your mother just like my own. I cant hold my tears while i write these lines. My experience is all at your disposal brother. Its a very valuable first hand experience which you wont find in any book. I pray Allah Pak solves all your problems, Ameen

@Savak

 

[Skywalker]

Brother when you fully grow up you would regret every bit of it especially for not spending your time with your mother. Ask me I lost my beloved mother about 11 years back and my father about 23 years back and not even moment pass by when I cherish the time I spent with them.

 

[Aasimkhan]

@Savak do you want me to merge this with your other thread:
https://defence.pk/pdf/threads/is-i...-of-but-youre-not-interested-in.626527/page-3

This way you wont have to repeat your history?

Ok Listen when my mother was not well for 6 years (in coma) i trained 2 ladies. After my mother I am greatful to these two ladies on earth who used to clean the body of my mother, change the adult pampers and perform all the other duties, They are both available. I try to help them out with my resources. They are the most wonderful ladies on earth. I can assure you you wont find such ladies in entire earth. They live is a small town near Lahore. They are experienced to the last details. Mind you for such patients details are very very important. Bed sores are the biggest enemy. I can request them to help just like they helped my mother in her last years. You have to pay them a humble pay but you will be grateful to me for this help i can bet on this.

 

[fitpOsitive]

It is really nerve wracking to see one's parents become extremely unwell and deteriorating rapidly with each and every passing second.

My mother was an extremely proud, ambitious, determined, steadfast woman who rose to the top of her career, profession and single handedly looked after us as a father when my father was travelling outside for work 3 weeks every month. She rose to the top of her gynaecology dept in the govt department she used to work in back home in Pakistan and also did 3-4 private clinics and a few teaching positions as well as keeping an eye on us at home. Working in a Pakistani govt hospital is really hard especially dealing with corrupt PPP politicians who have taken over all govt institutions in Sindh and totally destroyed everything.

While Me and my dad moved to Canada 6-7 years ago, my mother and my baby sister didn't move because she wanted her to do medicine in one of the top medical schools in Pakistan as she believed it would be a much better option rather than doing medicine in medical school in Canada or the US. But trust me, living a split family life has huge ramifications between spouses and no matter how loving and understanding they are, it takes a toll where both spouses feel the other doesn't understand each other or communicate or show patience with each other. Heck the one consequence of me living all by myself mostly on my own in the last 7 years is that I myself don't have the patience to live with people and prefer solitude most of the times.

My mother finally had enough and retired for good a year ago once my sister finished medical school in Pakistan and she finally wanted all of us to start living as a family again. She was unhappy about living in Canada knowing that living in the West will be a totally different ball game to living in the comforts of Pakistan but she was like its not an option. Unfortunately things have just gotten worse, a year and a half ago my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's but it is incredibly shocking to see how rapidly the whole symptoms have spread. It's gotten so bad now, she can no longer eat properly, she can't walk unassisted, she feels dizzy and hazy a lot, can't move her neck and her speech has become slurred.

My dad travels a lot, three weeks in a month for work, I work for an accounting firm and my hours are very brutal where I am either working 10-12 hours plus a day or studying for exams. My baby sister quite her job recently so that she could focus on her USMLE exams in the US and while she is at home most of the times to take care of our mom, she is getting married by the summer of next year and will not be around for ever.

It is just frightening to see how much help my mother needs. My daadi is 86 years old where she has health issues of her own but even she commented that atleast I can lift things and eat properly and efficiently if I want too. We have been pressing mom to agree to let us hire a helper who can help her out with doing house chores and a caregiver but she is so far refusing.

Although something like this should not be said for ones parents but it is proving to be very impossible having to live in the West and to take care of someone who needs full time care and both me and my dad can't quit our jobs either. Last night my dad told my mom pointblank that she has got to accept help from a full time care giver. My mom is still refusing and even emotionally blackmailed that if we impose a caregiver on her then she would rather go back home to Pakistan where the cost of hiring help is much cheaper. Anyways I thought I would ask people over here if they have had any experience or issues with this especially in the West. Me and my dad have tried our best, but practically speaking we can only be able to watch her full time over the weekends but it is not possible forever. My dad was in favour of telling the rest of the family members about her deteriorating condition so that people would have a better understanding and would try to help make her comfortable as much as possible but my mom was against it saying that people will spread things and any future parent or girl they try to pursue for me will be put off by an unwell mother in law.

Looking forward to people sharing their opinions, experiences and practical suggestions

I think, as far as I could understand, your mom is missing your dad and her profession. And the only way out of this situation, in my humble opinion, is : get your dad and your self to Pakistan. And start one of her noon clinics.
I think, I know one such wonderful doctor, whose surname was HAIDER, she had one son, and she used to do clinic near somewhere Malir hault, may be Kala Board.
If she is your mom, bring her back to business, many of her patients still miss her.

 

[Dubious]

I think, as far as I could understand, your mom is missing your dad and her profession. And the only way out of this situation, in my humble opinion, is : get your dad and your self to Pakistan. And start one of her noon clinics.
I think, I know one such wonderful doctor, whose surname was HAIDER, she had one son, and she used to do clinic near somewhere Malir hault, may be Kala Board.
If she is your mom, bring her back to business, many of her patients still miss her.

His mom was diagnosed with Parkinsons. ..look it up

 

[fitpOsitive]

His mom was diagnosed with Parkinsons. ..look it up

I was also diagnosed with a disease once, but turned out that it was my job I didn't like. I also have seen a guy, whose hand was paralysed, and in last, it turned out that he didn't like his wife, cus after separation, his hand became functional again. I saw a garden, whose owner died, and just in few days, old trees died, and apearantly, there was no reason. I saw a man got paralyses few days after leaving his job.
Bandon ko judai Mar jati hai, or kbhi kisi ka hona marta hai. So, Jo mujhe nazar aaya, woh main nain keh dia.

 

[jamal18]

There is an insane belief that living in the west is better for everybody. Wrong. In some situations people are far better off in Pakistan.

Your Mother will need helpers and assistance you could never afford in the West. Live in Pakistan as a family; you may not have the same monetery income, but you will be better overall.

Dementure generally is on a massive increase, we will all have to deal with it one way or another.