Anyone with experience on how to deal with a parent who is extremely unwell?

[Savak]

It is really nerve wracking to see one's parents become extremely unwell and deteriorating rapidly with each and every passing second.

My mother was an extremely proud, ambitious, determined, steadfast woman who rose to the top of her career, profession and single handedly looked after us as a father when my father was travelling outside for work 3 weeks every month. She rose to the top of her gynaecology dept in the govt department she used to work in back home in Pakistan and also did 3-4 private clinics and a few teaching positions as well as keeping an eye on us at home. Working in a Pakistani govt hospital is really hard especially dealing with corrupt PPP politicians who have taken over all govt institutions in Sindh and totally destroyed everything.

While Me and my dad moved to Canada 6-7 years ago, my mother and my baby sister didn't move because she wanted her to do medicine in one of the top medical schools in Pakistan as she believed it would be a much better option rather than doing medicine in medical school in Canada or the US. But trust me, living a split family life has huge ramifications between spouses and no matter how loving and understanding they are, it takes a toll where both spouses feel the other doesn't understand each other or communicate or show patience with each other. Heck the one consequence of me living all by myself mostly on my own in the last 7 years is that I myself don't have the patience to live with people and prefer solitude most of the times.

My mother finally had enough and retired for good a year ago once my sister finished medical school in Pakistan and she finally wanted all of us to start living as a family again. She was unhappy about living in Canada knowing that living in the West will be a totally different ball game to living in the comforts of Pakistan but she was like its not an option. Unfortunately things have just gotten worse, a year and a half ago my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's but it is incredibly shocking to see how rapidly the whole symptoms have spread. It's gotten so bad now, she can no longer eat properly, she can't walk unassisted, she feels dizzy and hazy a lot, can't move her neck and her speech has become slurred.

My dad travels a lot, three weeks in a month for work, I work for an accounting firm and my hours are very brutal where I am either working 10-12 hours plus a day or studying for exams. My baby sister quite her job recently so that she could focus on her USMLE exams in the US and while she is at home most of the times to take care of our mom, she is getting married by the summer of next year and will not be around for ever.

It is just frightening to see how much help my mother needs. My daadi is 86 years old where she has health issues of her own but even she commented that atleast I can lift things and eat properly and efficiently if I want too. We have been pressing mom to agree to let us hire a helper who can help her out with doing house chores and a caregiver but she is so far refusing.

Although something like this should not be said for ones parents but it is proving to be very impossible having to live in the West and to take care of someone who needs full time care and both me and my dad can't quit our jobs either. Last night my dad told my mom pointblank that she has got to accept help from a full time care giver. My mom is still refusing and even emotionally blackmailed that if we impose a caregiver on her then she would rather go back home to Pakistan where the cost of hiring help is much cheaper. Anyways I thought I would ask people over here if they have had any experience or issues with this especially in the West. Me and my dad have tried our best, but practically speaking we can only be able to watch her full time over the weekends but it is not possible forever. My dad was in favour of telling the rest of the family members about her deteriorating condition so that people would have a better understanding and would try to help make her comfortable as much as possible but my mom was against it saying that people will spread things and any future parent or girl they try to pursue for me will be put off by an unwell mother in law.

Looking forward to people sharing their opinions, experiences and practical suggestions

 

[AZADPAKISTAN2009]

Draw back of living in west is you are not around a very large family setup which means situations like this you almost 100% need some external help to ensure the person is taken care of

Even if they were in Pakistan a dedicated person would have been there to help the elderly suffering from such an illness

In case of any mishap the responsibility goes on the people who were healthy who did not planned for appropriate care for the elderly

A care giver living at home would be best solution, they look after them and live in home or they leave in evening when rest of family is back in home. [Cost should not be the main deciding factor]

A certain point in life you have to make a decision which is correct decision vs what your parents may suggest (who may be ill and suffering)


In case the care can't be afforded in Western country , you might have to listen to your mothers suggestion to let her go back to Pakistan where the care taking setup would be more affordable.


However considering everyone in your family works or have worked full time jobs I would imagine the financial issue would not be an issue

But I am sure there must be programs to help elderly folks in Canada in such circumstances as well


I was in a situation where both my parents became ill in close proximity of each other few months apart and in both cases

a) I had to give up 1 Job , not show up at work instead go to hospital (I had accepted a role and I was in process of travelling to job location )
b) I had to pay an expensive ticket to fly to city where my father was and fly him back at that time my father used to work

Both occurrences lasted for good 14 days each (in and out visits to hospital .... lot of pressure)

 

[war&peace]

Mate, you and your father should return to Pakistan and live with your mom.

 

[KhalaiMakhlooq]

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. The worst part of it, is you have to watch the deterioration.

If I was you, I would spend as much as you can with your mother as possible, regardless of any feuds and hard feelings you may have. You will cry over your mothers death more than you will over your father's. All the best.

 

[RealNapster]

You can do job and earn money for all of your life. But your Parents (Specially mother) they need your attention. They wont last longer and wont come back. If i were you, i would have quit the job and spared myself to help her out.

 

[Pakistansdefender]

Nothing is more important then parents.
You should force her to come with you and live with you abroad.
Your father must be going to retire, with such well settled childer, surely he can take retirement early to look after her wife.
If not then persuade her to come live with you. In these situations loneliness is a killer..
My own grand mother was a teacher and when retired, she cannot adjust without her Job and routine. She take a lot of stress and do lots of thinking because she has nothing to do. She missed her old life. She also fell ill to the same disease and died in few years.
So if your mother don't come to you.
And your father don't go to her.
It is your moral duty to leave everything and go settle with her.
She won't require you to do her household chores. Those are done by servants. All She want is your company .

 

[AsifIjaz]

Asa savak...
I am a medic and can tell u tht she will probably get worse. I cant wrap it in silk as this is the harsh reality and one needs to accept it and manage the situation.
Living in west will give you latest medical care and home based paramedic services but it will cost you an arm and a length.
Whereas living in pakistan might not give you the best medical care but the support that she will get from a full time caregiver (always hire 2 ppl unknown to each other) plus a daily visit of a physiotherapist along with a visit by a nurse would be affordable.
If you end up engaging a good team of an foreign qualified neuro and a psychiatrist in karachi then it would benefit her alot. These are things u cant manage or plan in west.

Now let me give you an advise brother and for your sake i hope you listen to this selflessly.
Over the years i have seen people provide patients/ parents the best medical care tht money can buy and they have literally purchased and arranged care and machinery that is mind boggling but they repent their actions and deeds as they did not give their parents personal time and attention. I will give u 2 brief examples..
1...
A close friends mom died recently after remission of breast cancer and it spread all over. He provided the best treatment for her, air lifted meds from abroad and bought her paramedic staff care and was present on her every appointment with the oncologist. He built his business and still managed her appointments in between the trips and meetings. Now a few yrs after she has gone he still repents for not holding her hand or feeding her or for taking her out for a drive etc. The guilt is killing him from inside. He has started winding up the business to a more comfortable level so as to give more time to his dad and family but every phone call and meeting shakes me to my core which is strange as we drs become emotionally strong over the years.
2...
A colleagues father died after a long battle with blood cancer. He bought every medical care you could think off. I mean literally.. He travelled with him to islamabad, karachi and sent reports globally for 2nd opinion. He took his dad out to northern areas and markets on his good days. When he was on his death bed for a few months he was with his dad carrying him to wash room and feeding him cerelac, corn flakes and grounded nuts plus cereals. When he died they had only 1 lac left with them and he was under 4 million debt. He had sold off literally everything. Now he lives contended and over last 7 to 8 years god almighty has showered him with wealth and cobtentment that is beyond belief and is worth envying infact.

The moral of the story is.. Cut ur mom, urself and ur family some slack and think long term. I am telling you now brother whatever you do with her can make u a man or can make u a hollow man who will see the same fate. I aint an islamic preacher but due to my profession i have seen enough to say the above.

May god make ur mom better, may God help u in taking the right decision. Ameen

 

[Kompromat]

Having the opportunity to serve your parents is a privilege in its own right.

 

[PakSword]

You can do job and earn money for all of your life. But your Parents (Specially mother) they need your attention. They wont last longer and wont come back. If i were you, i would have quit the job and spared myself to help her out.

Nothing is more important then parents.

Fully agree..

No matter what, you should be living with your mother, and if this requires you to quit your job and do something from home, or any other alternative you have, just do it..

Ask people who lose their parents and then they miss them every moment for the rest of their lives.. Parents, no matter what's the history they share with you, do not come back when they leave..

And when you will do it with good intentions, you will get 70 times in return in shaa Allah.. if you believe on one and true God (Allah subhanahu wata'ala)

 

[Savak]

Actually my parents have not revealed or disclosed to us the kids and family members about what she is suffering from. But we are using our own judgement and looking at the symptoms, it is obvious that this is Parkinson's. I have discussed her case with a few doctor friends of mine and they are off the opinion that usually Parkinson cases do not show such a rapid decline and deterioration and that the fact she has declined so rapidly in the space of a year indicates that this could be a far more serious neurological disease.

My parents are both doctors therefore they deal with the issues as far as which doctors to see, which medications to take or not to take. My biggest frustration with the Canadian Health Care System is the annoying fact that it can take months and months in order to get referred to a specialist from your GP. I remember a year and a half ago when i had my Sciatica which was almost diagnosed at the end of July 2017, the doctor immediately sped up my MRI referral and i was told that the earliest possible appointment i could get was on Nov 19, 2017. Luckily i was in Pakistan after that and i managed to get all the appointments and physiotherapy sessions i needed. Anyways, my parents especially my dad and the doctors they are consulting know best with regards to the medication they are taking. I believe my mother complained that the medication she was given at one point made her drowsy, slow, dizzy but now she realizes if she doesn't take them, the symptoms will accelerate further.

As far as help is concerned, i have tried to contact people to come over and help her out with household chores, laundry, cooking, general cleaning and being a caregiver but my mom is very hessitant to avail it because she just does not like the idea of dependancy and the fact it is more expensive here in Canada in comparison to Pakistan. Getting someone from Pakistan to Canada, not sure if that is possible or practical.

My mother, father and sister just recently went to Pakistan for 2 weeks for my baby sister's dholki and while my mother had the same symptoms there, she felt a lot more at ease, peace back home in Khi because of the fact that there was so much help available i.e. Cook, Driver, Maid, Cleaner and even a massage therapist who came over. My dad actually even point blank told her that there is no way she can live in the west in this state.

Me and my dad get critizied a lot by people, i.e. whoever i have told this story anonymously too but the fact is my dad is a workaholic, the idea of retirement scares him, he cannot sit idle, he also does not want to be dependent on others and he has seen many times people actually suffer health issues and problems when they retire because they stop being physically active, therefore i suspect he will continue to work as long as his heart, health and will permits him too.

For me, i need another years worth of experience and need to clear one final exam before i get my CPA designation. Can i realistically quit my job, career at my stage in life to be a caregiver?

I can tell you about my Chacha who is an aero space engineer in the US and he has had to take care of a full blown Autistic Kid his entire life and the only way he was able to do so was by launching his own engineering consulting firm which he operates out of his home and which makes it easier for him to be there for his kid 24/7 while also being able to earn a living. But how many people have this luxury and comfort of being in a profession which allows you to work out of your home?

I agree she is suffering from depression. Hopefully my folks will consider the right course of action.

 

[Savak]

Mom and Dad told me off for trying to be inquisitive about my mother's health and condition for a while. Mom and Dad finally came clean today and admitted the Parkinson's diagnosis one and a and how it was progressing at a much faster rate than they initially expected it would. And they both broke down really badly while telling me "These are very testing and trying times for us". Then my mom broke down "I have lived a very honest, Islamic life and even I get very upset as to why did something like this happen to me at a relatively younger age of 60".

Then my mom tearfully went like "I know that at times I am not very easy to be with during this time, I can't communicate as well as I used too or physically do the things I used too, you know how independent, proud I used to be and these are very difficult times for me and I don't need you guys to make it worse for me. I now truly realize how Allah can take everything away from you in a heartbeat better than any point in my life. I thought i dreamt I would relax in my retirement and play with my grand kids and help my kids raise them"

Then my folks were like we don't want you to worry or stress about this. My dad was like this is my primary responsibility, you dont worry about this 24/7. You need to focus on your life and settling down professionally and personally.

I have been deeply shook at seeing them in this state. First priority is to get my mom caregiving help around the house and to make her feel as welcome as possible. I have never been as close to her compared to my baby sister but I am going to do whatever I can to make things easy for her.

Next I need to figure out what I will and can do in the long run in the accounting field. It was always a goal to either run and start my own practice from home in Canada or if I had to move to Pakistan then to get into teaching in Pakistan in high schools, universities and pvt tuition centres. But just doing something which allows me to earn decently and allows me to be as close to my folks as possible.

 

[Foxtrot Delta]

We humans get tests and trials and oppertunities all our lives, be good to ur mom, u are a son (male) so u can't do much. Get a helper but try to out do that helper when u are free from other responsobilities. U have a life of ur own. Every member of the family can pitch in and help when they are free from other self life responsibilities. Having said this no one deserves ur love and care then your own mother. If u can sacrifice everything then u should try and compromose for everything you can compromise on in ur daily selfnlife responsibilities and taoe good care of ur mom. These oppertunities and trials and tests of this magnitude are very rare. Be good to ur mom for ur mom's sake but above all ur own sake. Creator will reward you so much for doing the max u can. I hope u can do ur best and have no regrets when ur mom and dad passes away. We all have to die one day, why not sacrifice a bit extra for ur mom. Cuz i promise you, if u were in her position she would do 100x more than what u will do indefinitely.

I shall pray for your mom. Take it as a test from God Almighty. Lets see how everyone does in this test. Biggest test might be for ur mom herself, help her pass in the test aswell. This life on earth ends no matter what we do! Why not be there for eachother and make the most of it for hereafter.

 

[313ghazi]

Idk about your financial situation but if you can afford to live your day to day life AND hire a maid/help for your mum on part time wages, you should do so.

Your employers will understand, if they don't - in a few years you'll find something else. If it's easier to do this in Karachi, move back.

I know an English girl who gave up a graduate role at Lehmann Brothers (where she was doing incredibly well) to look after her terminally ill grandfather. Years later after he passed she got back onto the career ladder. She was a very brave woman, a risk taker, she loved horses and wanted to live on a ranch. She moved to the US, found herself a cowboy and married him!

 

[EasyNow]

Mom and Dad told me off for trying to be inquisitive about my mother's health and condition for a while. Mom and Dad finally came clean today and admitted the Parkinson's diagnosis one and a and how it was progressing at a much faster rate than they initially expected it would. And they both broke down really badly while telling me "These are very testing and trying times for us". Then my mom broke down "I have lived a very honest, Islamic life and even I get very upset as to why did something like this happen to me at a relatively younger age of 60".

Then my mom tearfully went like "I know that at times I am not very easy to be with during this time, I can't communicate as well as I used too or physically do the things I used too, you know how independent, proud I used to be and these are very difficult times for me and I don't need you guys to make it worse for me. I now truly realize how Allah can take everything away from you in a heartbeat better than any point in my life. I thought i dreamt I would relax in my retirement and play with my grand kids and help my kids raise them"

Then my folks were like we don't want you to worry or stress about this. My dad was like this is my primary responsibility, you dont worry about this 24/7. You need to focus on your life and settling down professionally and personally.

I have been deeply shook at seeing them in this state. First priority is to get my mom caregiving help around the house and to make her feel as welcome as possible. I have never been as close to her compared to my baby sister but I am going to do whatever I can to make things easy for her.

Next I need to figure out what I will and can do in the long run in the accounting field. It was always a goal to either run and start my own practice from home in Canada or if I had to move to Pakistan then to get into teaching in Pakistan in high schools, universities and pvt tuition centres. But just doing something which allows me to earn decently and allows me to be as close to my folks as possible.

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. Having lost a parent a few years ago (and still can't bear to think of it) I would advise you one thing bro - put everything on the back burner for your parents. It may seem like you are falling behind on career and studies, but in reality it is all for nothing without your loved ones.

I spent my entire life serving my father as a son, a helper, advisor, driver, my best friend and finally as a nurse and carer. I never feel discontented in life because I know I did everything I could.

But even then, I feel horrified remembering this one moment where my dad looked at me eagerly for a smile when I came to hospital but I did not offer one because I was stressed. The sadness which flashed in his eyes still tortures me.

That's how the human works - don't give yourself any opportunity to feel guilt in your life because no amount of money will heal that. You will never feel guilt that you did too much for your mum. No amount of career regret can replace that.

Maybe you're not in a position to do much, but give them all your spare time, time with children is the greatest gift.

 

[Cookie Monster]

It is really nerve wracking to see one's parents become extremely unwell and deteriorating rapidly with each and every passing second.

My mother was an extremely proud, ambitious, determined, steadfast woman who rose to the top of her career, profession and single handedly looked after us as a father when my father was travelling outside for work 3 weeks every month. She rose to the top of her gynaecology dept in the govt department she used to work in back home in Pakistan and also did 3-4 private clinics and a few teaching positions as well as keeping an eye on us at home. Working in a Pakistani govt hospital is really hard especially dealing with corrupt PPP politicians who have taken over all govt institutions in Sindh and totally destroyed everything.

While Me and my dad moved to Canada 6-7 years ago, my mother and my baby sister didn't move because she wanted her to do medicine in one of the top medical schools in Pakistan as she believed it would be a much better option rather than doing medicine in medical school in Canada or the US. But trust me, living a split family life has huge ramifications between spouses and no matter how loving and understanding they are, it takes a toll where both spouses feel the other doesn't understand each other or communicate or show patience with each other. Heck the one consequence of me living all by myself mostly on my own in the last 7 years is that I myself don't have the patience to live with people and prefer solitude most of the times.

My mother finally had enough and retired for good a year ago once my sister finished medical school in Pakistan and she finally wanted all of us to start living as a family again. She was unhappy about living in Canada knowing that living in the West will be a totally different ball game to living in the comforts of Pakistan but she was like its not an option. Unfortunately things have just gotten worse, a year and a half ago my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson's but it is incredibly shocking to see how rapidly the whole symptoms have spread. It's gotten so bad now, she can no longer eat properly, she can't walk unassisted, she feels dizzy and hazy a lot, can't move her neck and her speech has become slurred.

My dad travels a lot, three weeks in a month for work, I work for an accounting firm and my hours are very brutal where I am either working 10-12 hours plus a day or studying for exams. My baby sister quite her job recently so that she could focus on her USMLE exams in the US and while she is at home most of the times to take care of our mom, she is getting married by the summer of next year and will not be around for ever.

It is just frightening to see how much help my mother needs. My daadi is 86 years old where she has health issues of her own but even she commented that atleast I can lift things and eat properly and efficiently if I want too. We have been pressing mom to agree to let us hire a helper who can help her out with doing house chores and a caregiver but she is so far refusing.

Although something like this should not be said for ones parents but it is proving to be very impossible having to live in the West and to take care of someone who needs full time care and both me and my dad can't quit our jobs either. Last night my dad told my mom pointblank that she has got to accept help from a full time care giver. My mom is still refusing and even emotionally blackmailed that if we impose a caregiver on her then she would rather go back home to Pakistan where the cost of hiring help is much cheaper. Anyways I thought I would ask people over here if they have had any experience or issues with this especially in the West. Me and my dad have tried our best, but practically speaking we can only be able to watch her full time over the weekends but it is not possible forever. My dad was in favour of telling the rest of the family members about her deteriorating condition so that people would have a better understanding and would try to help make her comfortable as much as possible but my mom was against it saying that people will spread things and any future parent or girl they try to pursue for me will be put off by an unwell mother in law.

Looking forward to people sharing their opinions, experiences and practical suggestions

There are some pros and cons to ur family living in Canada. A drawback would be that it's unlikely that u guys are living together along with ur extended family, as ppl usually do in Pak. So it would be hard for ur uncles/aunts/cousins to take care of her when u/ur dad/ur sister have busy schedules. So u will have to get a home health nurse. However it's also a good thing that she is in Canada, u can find the best treatment available(in Canada and US) for Parkinson's disease. I'm not sure how good a treatment would've been available for her in Pak when it comes to this disease. At the moment it is incurable and at best its onset can only be slowed and symptoms can be treated...but that's about it.

U guys should consider adjusting ur workloads...like if it's possible for u and ur dad to lessen ur work a bit to free up some time...that can be spent with her. Unfortunately I'm sorry to say...that's all that can be done. It's gonna be hard for everyone to come to terms with this...especially her. She will need to come to terms with it and accept the help(of home health nurse)...that's not only better for u guys...but it's the best course of action for her condition. I'll pray that things get better for u guys.