Why people should NOT get married in Pakistan

[Husnainshah]

First of all, Pakistan isn't necessarily the only country that fits in the title.

Marriage isn’t all fun and games; it is something that takes you away from all the things you love. It’s better for boys; their lives pretty much stay the same. But for girls, your entire life will change. Since then I began to observe our society. I observed married people and their actions. As a student of psychology, I analysed their verbal and non-verbal cues, signs of distress, facial expressions and body language.

While people my age ventured into relationships and ‘dating’, I became that one friend who gave the best relationship advice and who knew what to do despite never being in a long-term relationship.

Years later, today, I have developed an aversion to the concept of shaadi. People shouldn’t get married and here are my reasons. Once again, these reasons are based solely on observations.

Marriage never was all fun and games. If played right, It isn't necessarily something that will 'take you away from all the things that you live'. It's a mere rhetoric. If played wrong though, anything can take you away from the things you love; be it Business, Religion, Friendship or even a simple act of walking.

Yup, it's definitely better for boys. I mean it's the angels who accompany women, take them to shopping, diners, night outs et cetera. Have no responsibility whatsoever. Can stay out late all they want, can stay anywhere for as many days as they please. Hmm, Boys' lives definitely pretty much stay the same.

No, I don’t believe the institution of marriage is flawed. Since the beginning of time, through religion, culture and society, people were to find a partner to spend their lives with, in holy matrimony. Marriage was a sacred bond; legends and epic tales are proof of the sacredness of this union.

Today in our times, however, this institution has lost its sacredness because people stopped respecting the bond itself. It became a ritual performed because ‘we have to’. Parents took it upon themselves to get their children married to the most suitable partners. Consumerism increased the need of more rituals, a need to display the union to the world along with a desire to compete, boast and beat others at it. Shaadi no longer means marriage, it means wedding.

The generations before ours (our parents, grandparents, etc) had a different meaning of relationships than we do. For them, it was all about compromise and fixing things. They are the kind of couples who go through hell and still stick together. I’m sorry but I don’t think our generation has what it takes to tolerate and be with each other through thick and thin. Therising divorce rates back up this argument.

We, the youth, are conditioned to be independent and free thinkers. What we read, learn and watch (through the media) has evolved us into accepting individualism. We rebel against the system, question norms and think out of the box – that is what our generation is. There is nothing wrong with these qualities but perhaps it is these qualities that cause problems in relationships.

When both the partners are so opinionated and do not have the ability to compromise or sacrifice their own needs and wants for the other, then how is a relationship supposed to work?

They call us the resilient generation, well resilience also counts for our ability to move on and bounce back when a relationship ends, so perhaps that’s why we don’t try to fix relationships and work on them the way our parent or grandparents did.

Divorce is no longer taboo; if we can’t stand someone anymore, we leave or think of leaving.

Sure, people before us interpreted marriage differently, but times change. And society adjusts itself accordingly. There's no reason for you to stick together with your spouse just because your father did so. There's absolutely no reason to go through hell; reproduction isn't exactly the basic reason for marriage but Physical, moral and mental support. Work the core issues out in the beginning to minimize the chances of divorce, even then if it doesn't work, Divorce just might be the best way out.

Our society is extremely sexist to BOTH the genders, especially when it comes to marriage. Not only does a girl have to leave her home, her room, her parents and her freedom to move in with her husband, she also has a constant psychological ‘tick-tock’ on her head since the day she turns 20.

Trust me, this tick-tock is a constant nuisance hanging over heads. There is so much that I want to do with my life. I want to study, work, build a career, travel the world, and write a book! To this argument, I am told by everyone,

“So, no one is stopping you. You can do all of this after your shaadi.”

Agreed that you can study after marriage and work post-shaadi but what about the other things?

Will my husband have the patience to let me be locked in my room writing for most of the day? Will he be fine if I want to focus on my career for five years and not have children?

And boys don’t have it too easy either.

While a boy gets to live in his own home with his parents after shaadi (lucky son of a gun), he also faces the constant tick-tock. He is told he has to complete his entire education, build his career and get settled at least by mid or late 20s so that he can ‘afford’ to have a wife and family. I really don’t think that’s fair. The pressure of getting the best job and high-figure salary can be really stressful.
What if he wants to become an artist or travel, things that won’t get him the money he needs. What about his dreams?
Marriage is a full-stop to our dreams. They say we can pursue them after shaadi but who are we kidding?

Society only has as much power over you as much you give them. There's no psychological tick tok or whatsoever. You're free to marry whenever you want. People will talk either way.

You can indeed pursue your dreams after your marriage. It isn't exactly illegal to not have kids within the first five years of one's marriage or work post marriage. The problem lies more within oneself to be honest. Who's asking you to marry a Mulah? Like I said, why can't you work out these petty issues with your spouse before marriage?

During the pre-nuptial period, everyone is on their best behaviour. Not just the couple but the families of both treat each other like royals. It is all about gifts, wedding preparations and impressing each other.

It is only after the shaadi that everyone becomes comfortable with each other and reveals their true selves. Mother-in-laws, who before the wedding sang praises of how perfect their bahus(daughter-in-laws) are, begin to mentally make a list of all the things their bahu does wrong and how awful she is. The bahu suddenly sits, walks, cooks and breathes in the wrong way.

For the bahu, she begins to see her mother-in-law as nothing less than Cruella De Vil.

Every single person in both families feels responsible and overly concerned about the couple and their relationship. They become mediators and judges even though no one asks them too.

The boy and girl gradually begin to change into constantly irritable, annoyed and bezaar (fed up) human beings. Stress levels increase, tempers boil and each day, the ability to tolerate each other reduces.

Why marry in a joint-family to begin with? I personally advise each of my friends to move out of their parents' homes after marriage and from what I've personally noticed, a separate house is an increasing demand. There's bound to be problems when two people live together for the very first time and personally I find absolutely nothing wrong with either's parents mediating.

These are some of my reasons (I have many more) of why people shouldn’t get married and why I won’t (till my parents have had enough of my excuses). I have seen and heard of so many couples getting divorced (many who were deeply in love with each other), people cheating, families turning against each other, children fighting with parents, people ending relationships in a blink of an eye. I have heard of khalas (maternal aunts) turned mother-in-laws, physically abusing the bahu. I have heard of a man throwing his wife out on the street a week after their love marriage. I have heard of in-laws kicking the girl out because she couldn’t produce a son.

I have heard of enough shaadi horror stories to loathe the entire concept.

If this is what holy matrimony and relationships come to then thank you very much, but I’m better off.

'The some of the reasons' aren't exactly gonna keep anyone from marrying as far as I'm concerned. You ought to be a tad bit practical. People indeed cheat, divorce, abuse both physically and mentally, that's just part of the life. These issues aren't exactly limited to the 'institution of marriage' either. Similar problems could be associated with business as well. Are you gonna stop investing now? I don't think so.

See, your approach towards marriage or life in general is quite amateur and unrealistic, Nothing's flawless.
Be it career or family. One could just try and hope for the best. That's all one can do. Not marrying isn't the best of the solution to be honest.

 

[Adecypher]

Your expressions...priceless

 

[Hell hound]

people discussing a social post which should be discussed on social bases is being discussed on religious bases

 

[saadee]

Loog shadiyaan karanay ka business kartay hain aur yeh mohtarma talaqian karanay ka. Wasaiy iss key picture ko mod ko delete karna chahiyay. Kissi key beti hai bhai.

 

[SecularNationalist]

people discussing a social post which should be discussed on social bases is being discussing it on religious bases

So see brother the world is right when it comes to religion even the so called educated class become extremist.We put religion in everything .

 

[ZYXW]

you really dont wanna know

LOL I was reading some of the other comments and I was like "waaaattttt "

 

[Dubious]

LOL I was reading some of the other comments and I was like "waaaattttt "

Hence why I didnt participate in this thread

 

[ZYXW]

Hence why I didnt participate in this thread

yes, agreed

 

[Mujahid Memon]

@Zarvan, are you ??



dignity and honor...

Its not about the looks, its all about the works and deeds

while on the other hand

choice is urs

 

[jamahir]

Its not about the looks, its all about the works and deeds

while on the other hand

choice is urs

i guessed the first was edhi but i don't know who the second and the last are.

 

[livingdead]

Prenuptial agreement mean anything to you?

that sounds like a business deal.. is marriage a business deal? Is it not about love and friendship and companionship?

 

[Penguin]

that sounds like a business deal.. is marriage a business deal? Is it not about love and friendship and companionship?

I responded to the remark that upon divorce women take half. Which is an economic issue.
The institution of marriage has always had an economic component. Historically, in most cultures, married women had very few rights of their own, being considered, along with the family's children, the property of the husband; as such, they could not own or inherit property, or represent themselves legally. Nobility/Royalty have alsways sought to strengthen their realms through marriage. So, what else is new?

Marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[livingdead]

I responded to the remark that upon divorce women take half. Which is an economic issue.
The institution of marriage has always had an economic component. Historically, in most cultures, married women had very few rights of their own, being considered, along with the family's children, the property of the husband; as such, they could not own or inherit property, or represent themselves legally. Nobility/Royalty have alsways sought to strengthen their realms through marriage. So, what else is new?

Marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Well, if half of your assets is due to your partner after you divorce, why would you try to preempt that via an agreement? That sounds terrible. How do you approach your partner and why would she agree?
If the law is broken, it should be fixed, instead of individuals being required to fend for themselves.

 

[Penguin]

Well, if half of your assets is due to your partner after you divorce, why would you try to preempt that via an agreement? That sounds terrible. How do you approach your partner and why would she agree?
If the law is broken, it should be fixed, instead of individuals being required to fend for themselves.

I wasn't the one complaining about it.
See Why people should NOT get married in Pakistan | Page 11

In some situations, however, it actually makes very good sense, particularly if both spouses are owners of one business. It is a way to protect your wealth also. And clearly, since the law often gives economic advantages to married couples, it IS to some extent an economic agreement. Always has been (dowery? expansion of empire through marriage?).

 

[KingMamba]

@Penguin nothing in my post to give me a negative.

Prenuptial agreement mean anything to you?

To me? Yes, to judges nothing at all. Judges often throw prenups out the window most of the time in support of the female divorcee.