Suresh Kalmadi attempts suicide [spoof]

[Ruag]

Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee Head Suresh Kalmadi Attempts Suicide

Head of the Commonwealth Games Organising Committee (OC) Suresh Kalmadi (56) attempted suicide by hanging in a toilet in the Games Village today. However, the ceiling collapsed, taking with it a part of the wall. The incident happened at 1.23 p.m.
The suicide attempt came to light when an unnamed Games official, who was answering the call of nature on the other side of the wall, unexpectedly found himself spraying the inside of a toilet rather than the outside.

Mr Kalmadi, it is reported, suffered minor injuries and was discharged after first aid.
Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit dismissed the matter as a 'minor glitch' and said that it would have no effect on the success of the Games. She pointed out that while the said toilet was inside the Games village, it was not meant for athletes. The Urban Development Minister, Mr Jaipal Reddy, refused to react to media reports, saying only that such incidents are 'part and parcel' of any big sporting event. The Sports Minister, MS Gill, refused to take responsibility, saying that the PWD department was in charge of the construction of the Games village. The playing stadia are in perfect shape, he said, and invited Kalmadi to do a stress analysis test on any ceiling therein.

Mani Shankar Aiyar, MP, a long-time critic of the Games, held the rain gods responsible for the collapse of the ceiling. However, he clarified to Barkha Dutt on NDTV, he had not prayed to the said god. If he had, he added jocularly, the ceiling would not have collapsed.
Commonwealth Games Federation chief Michael Fennell said this would not have happened if his warnings of nine months ago had been heeded. 'India had committed to delivering world-class games, so how can I be responsible?' he asked. When asked if delivering world-class games included non-collapsing ceilings, he said, 'absolutely'. When asked if he held Mr Kalmadi responsible for the collapse, he refused to comment.

A foreign official, on condition of anonymity, wondered in a lighter vein why Kalmadi sought to hang himself in a toilet. 'They're ******', he said. Mr Kalmadi's close aide and spokesperson for the OC, Lalit Bhanot, refused to react to 'speculative' comments, saying only that 'their standards of hygiene are different from ours'. He also reiterated that these Games would be better than the Beijing Olympics.

The Cabinet Secretary, KM Chandrasekhar, said that it is everybody's national duty to see that ceilings do not collapse. 'We must all work together to see that India is not put to embarrassment.' He said that a number of steps had been taken to improve the condition and that authorities are 'on top of the situation'. Principal Secretary to the PM, TKA Nair, who is also part of the high-powered committee mandated to oversee the smooth functioning of the Games, said that the government will take action and the contractor responsible for the weak ceiling, if traced, will not go unpunished.
Congress Party Spokesperson Manish Tiwari refused to comment, saying that Mr Kalmadi was there in his personal capacity, and not as a Congress MP. He pointed out that the Prime Minister had convened a high-powered meeting to ensure that all ceilings could withstand their designated load. Leader of the Opposition Sushma Swaraj said that this is a matter of national shame. She reminded journalists that no ceiling collapsed under the NDA regime. Chief Minister of Gujarat Narendra Modi congratulated Kalmadi on his narrow escape and wished for his speedy recovery.

Mr Kalmadi was unavailable for comments.

Unconfirmed media reports have it that Mr Kalmadi has submitted a drycleaning bill to get his somewhat wet and stained white kurta-pyjama spotless clean and dry in time for the opening. While the amount is a subject of media speculation, it is rumoured that the bill runs into six figures.

Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee Head Suresh Kalmadi Attempts Suicide

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[Markus]

He should try his suicide inside the Parliament.

That will make the parliament sessions somewhat interesting.

 

[FNFAL]

lol......seriously .....

 

[Pukhtoon]

Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee Head Suresh Kalmadi Attempts Suicide

Head of the Commonwealth Games Organising Committee (OC) Suresh Kalmadi (56) attempted suicide by hanging in a toilet in the Games Village today. However, the ceiling collapsed, taking with it a part of the wall. The incident happened at 1.23 p.m.
The suicide attempt came to light when an unnamed Games official, who was answering the call of nature on the other side of the wall, unexpectedly found himself spraying the inside of a toilet rather than the outside.


Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee Head Suresh Kalmadi Attempts Suicide

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Where is Fevicol ?

 

[Repentant]

And some people say Indians can't laugh at themselves!

P.S. It's easiest to laugh at yourselves when the whole world is laughing at you!

 

[Kinetic]

Some more spoofs about Kalmadi....

New Dabbang song, "Sheila Dixit to Kalmadi: Delhi badnaam hui darling tere liye!"

"Suresh Kalmadi must be the first choice if ISRO goes for trial and error experiments for manned space mission."

"Ba ba Kalmadi, have you any shame. No sir, No sir, we are having a Common Loot Game. Crores for my partner, crores for the dame, crores for me too, for spoiling India's name!"

"Suresh Kalmadi walked into a bar. The bartender was still spraying pesticides over the barley plants. It was the best bar ever"

Ahead of the Allahabad High Court Ayodhya verdict, a tweet doing the rounds was: "Compromise proposal for Ayodhya: Let the Hindus construct a temple, but the project must be led by Kalmadi."

"Bhagwan Ram patched up with Allah so that the focus remains on KALMADI"

"Rain rain go away, Kalmadi wants to come out and play. Lyrics by M S Gill, Sung by Mani Shankar Aiyar, Music by A R Rahman!"

Gill,

"Gill calling himself a sports lover is like Shiney Ahuja declaring himself to be a feminist,"

 

[Repentant]

Ise kehte hain 70000crore rupees ka humor!

 

[Tuahaa]

Feel sorry for this poor guy... wanted to bring glory to his nation but instead did the opposite and probably feels quite guilty for it.

 

[Kinetic]

Some toons...

If it was USSR...

 

[Repentant]

Feel sorry for this poor guy... wanted to bring glory to his nation but instead did the opposite and probably feels quite guilty for it.

Dude!...if anybody has to be felt sorry for, it has to be India as a nation and Indians as a people!

 

[Tuahaa]

Dude!...if anybody has to be felt sorry for, it has to be India as a nation and Indians as a people!

I secretly, being a Pakistani, am quite happy (yeah really) because we've been bad named (deservedly or undeservedly) for the last 63 years!

 

[Leonidas]

The suicide attempt came to light when an unnamed Games official, who was answering the call of nature on the other side of the wall, unexpectedly found himself spraying the inside of a toilet rather than the outside.

 

[Repentant]

I secretly, being a Pakistani, am quite happy (yeah really) because we've been bad named (deservedly or undeservedly) for the last 63 years!

I wouldn't blame you for that kid. It's human tendency to derive pleasure out of one's adversary's pain/failure.

You'll learn it as you grow up and hopefully become more mature just like everyone else.

It's all a part of growing up!

Enjoy!

 

[indopak]

Pakistan declares unconditional love for the Commonwealth Games

Islamabad, Pakistan. Pakistan has officially declared that everyone in that country was loving every bit of screw-up that was happening in India around the Commonwealth Games (CWG), and that they would not like anything drastic like the games being postponed or called off anytime soon.

“The show must go on,” said Pakistani foreign minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi, speaking at a pace comparable with that of CWG construction works, “the games have been a beautiful reciprocation from India in the arena of corruption, security and general failure of system, and they can boost bilateral ties by bringing the countries closer.”

Reports suggest that the sudden love of Pakistanis for something “Indian” stems from the fact that every damn Pakistani has been laughing his *** off whenever he read anything about CWG.

“LOL! #India is screwed! #awesome #funny #CWG” tweeted a certain @proud_pak_on_web on the social networking site Twitter after the news about ‘false’ celling of a stadium falling down was reported by various news sources.
Pakistani McDonalds

Pakistanis are loving it, sources say

“I am loving it!” says Usman, who sells McDonalds anda-bhurji in Karachi, echoing the sentiments of millions of Pakistanis who are religiously following every news about CWG.

“Athletes are not going to India due to security concerns,” points out Shamim Afridi, a 29-year-old aspiring cricketer taking part in Under-19 cricket tournament, “and Indians were happy when Australians refused to play cricket with us.”

Sources inform that among the common Pakistanis, the cricket lovers were the happiest with the CWG mess as they saw it as a “balancing act” from God after Pakistan faced international embarrassment over match-fixing, security at cricket stadiums, and floods.

“Man, this is ******* awesome!” PCB chairman Ijaz Butt could barely hide his excitement when Faking News asked for his reaction, “Delhi is almost drowned due to floods, ain’t it? And I hear Scotland has threatened to pull out of the games because the venues were dirty (laughs for 24 seconds) and Indians were trying to prove that our boys were dirty!”

“Scotland Yard must have got their answers by now,” he said before getting into another bout of laughter.

But back home, CWG officials and the Delhi government have rejected the love and laughter of Pakistanis as “minor thing” and have urged the citizens to notmake f of “their own games”.

 

[BlackenTheSky]

I don't think kalmadi alone should be given blame,where is indian sports ministry,where is prime minister,where is president,all are guilty for this.i was laughing and even got shocked to hear that the organising comitee consist only of 5 members whereas in sydney olympic 2000,there were 400+ members.