Qadeem F. Tamacha: an exclusive interview

[Spring Onion]

An exclusive interview with Qadeem F. Tamacha

(BA in Islamockery and an enthusiastic Zardarophile)
(at the door)

Reporter: Asalamoalaikum, Mr. Tamacha

Tarmacha :OUT, OUT, OUT!! How dare you???
[wshhhh snap, slap, bang]
ohhhh, you islamists, progenies of muhammad bin qasimmmm….


Reporter: ??? hmmm Sir, I am the journalist who has come for your interview.

Tamacha: Oh I see, soo you are a tabligi?
No, but…
a jamiati??

noope..


You are coming from Farhat Hashmi’s lecture?? right??
not at all…
Then why the hell did you say “ASsalamoalaikum” ??? *pukes* it irritates my EARS!!!
Reporter :but… ahem… this is how it’s pronounced correctly.

Tamacha : Gotcha… you were born in 80’s?

Reporter: yupp… but how do you??…

You are a product of Zia’s era!
Your mind has been fed with convoluted theories!
I can see your brain! it has been islamized and jihadized and maududized and tabligized and talibanized and terrorizzzee …. ahem… BUT YOU PEOPLE TERRORIZE EVERYONE!!

Reporter what??

Tamacha :yeah yeah…[wshhhh waving the hand threateningly, brandishing the "tamacha"]
this greeting of “ASsal…whatever” …uhh is the core problem with this country. This evil thing is the cause of poverty and illiteracy and lawlessness and and and…
Reporter: Weird claim… do you have any facts to prove this??


Tamacha : Oh, facts!!?? I don’t believe in them. I am a “cultural critic”. Damn facts don’t matter here.
And anyways, I have developed an ingenious tool to avoid this “facts mess”.
Reporter: What’s that?

Tamacha: Facts = Conspiracy Theories hehehe heehaw. With this rule, you don’t encounter any problem.
Reporter :Ok, Mr. Tamacha, do I have to stay at the door?… remember, I have come for an interview.

Tamacha: Well… hmmm..but where is your car?
Reporter: car??

Tamacha :yeah… security check!

Reporter: security??
………………………….
Tamacha: ok I have checked it; it’s free from hazardous radiation emitting Islamic stickers. Come in….
R: thanks

Tamacha: but I don’t like the sticker on your car’s bumper


Reporter: but it just says… Pakistan zindabad!
Tamacha: Ohhh…It’s all because of Zia!
Your minds have been corrupted!
I told you, it’s all islamization!
[wshhhh snap, slap, bang. TAMACHAA]

Reporter: Whoa… Mr. Tamacha, calm down, calm down… please. I think I should sit at a distance, otherwise these “hawai tamachaz” of yours will hit me.
Tamacha: okay,… but you must change the sticker. Put something like “Zardari zindabad”.
Reporter:I understand that Mr. Zardari is our country’s president. But I am not his follower and I don’t agree with his policies.


Tamacha: No, no, no …. all his policies are perfect.


Reporter: Can you support you statement with facts?
Facts, again facts. I told you, I am a “cultural critic” …. and a senior columnist too. So don’t dare ask me this fact stuff again. And remember this: Zardari is from PPP and PPP is my erstwhile love.

Reporter: Okay, let’s start with some personal questions. Mr. Qadeem F Tamacha. What’s new with the name?
yeah (smiling) … My first name, Qadeem. I will explain with example. Imran, Gymran. Imran, Gymran. Hamid, Wamid. Hamid, Wamid. tic toc, tic toc …. you see the rhythm, that’s it.

Reporter: You can do anything with your own name. But don’t you think this sort of name calling is a little off color, especially for a “senior” columnist like you?
Tamacha: Nay… these effronteries define my work. This is my forte. This panders to the tastes of my readers. And also, I earn money through this hehehe heehaw. [wshhhh snap, slap, bang] I am THE TAMACHA!! I will slap everyone!! I am THE TAMACHA!! I will smack everyone!!….. hmmm but not my luv!

Reporter: So that’s the reality of Tamacha. And what’s the secret behind “F”.

Tamacha: As you know, I have zero tolerance for anything remotely connected to Islam. My middle name has been tormenting me for a long time so I changed it.

Reporter: Changed to what?

To what I really am… Fascist!
Remember the golden rule, what I say is always correct and the rest are conspiracy theories.

Reporter: Mr. Tamacha, I would like to know your opinion about some terrorism issues also. What is your stance on drone attacks?
[wshhhh snap, slap, bang]
Kill ‘em!
Kill ‘em!
Kill ‘em all!!

Reporter:Kill whom?
Tamacha: Zia’s children

Reporter: But USA is looking for Al-Qaeda
Tamacha:Al-Qaeda is because of Zia!
It’s all because of Zia!
R: How?

Tamacha: Zia went to madrassah with Osama Bin Laden.
Reporter:That’s something new. How will you prove… ok, leave it.
But what would you say about the innocents killed by drone attacks?

Tamacha: It’s all conspiracy theory.

Reporter: But this is a fact that 700 innocent Pakistanis were killed for 8 militants1?
Tamacha: Rub-bish! Conspiracy theorists fabricated these numbers. Let me explain.
Ahan
These people killed in drone attacks have beards?
Perhaps, many of them are tribal people…
They wear shalwar?
It’s their cultural dress.
Their shlawarz are above their ankles?
Reporter: what??!! I don’t know..

Tamacha:I tell you, it is above the ankles. And the mighty drone can detect it! hehehe heehaw
After all this, how are they innocent?
See, how I expose the conspiracy theorists!
Young man, it’s Zia’s radicalization influence on you.
[wshhhh snap, slap, bang, back in "tamacha" mode]
You cannot think because of Zia!
You cannot see because of Zia!
You cannot drink because of Zia!
Oh… drink… oh my drink!!!

Reporter: What happened Mr. Tamacaha? Why are you shaking so uncontrollably?
Tamacha:Oh…I need it!

Reporter: I think you need some medical help.
Tamacha: No!! it’s the dipsomania bout!
dipsomania?? !!
I will be back…
(after sometime)

Reporter: Tamacha Sahib, you look better now.

Tamacha: Yeah,… vodka or gin??

Reporter: No, thanks… I don’t drink

Tamacha: Oh you poor creature! your thinking has been contaminated by the religious sermons.

Reporter: It’s my personal choice because of health reasons. Besides, I consider it sensible to remain in control of my senses.

Tamacha: youuu fooool, it does not affect the bodyyy, it does not affect the mindddd
these are scientific….
incorrecttttt! incorrectttt! all this is conspiracyyyy theoryyyy… I am TAMACHAAAA!!

Reporter: a few more questions Mr. Tamacha…..

SHUTTTTT UPPPP!! I am Tamachaaaa, Tamachaaaaa…

Reporter: I think you are not in a condition to answer more questions… hmmm some other time.
Tamacha: GETTTT OUTTTT!! YOU MORONNN!! I will SLAPPP YOUUUU!!
[wshhhh snap, slap, BANG!!]
——————————————————————————
[DISCLAIMER: The writer of this article does not endorse the views of Zaid Hamid and Amir Liaqat Hussain

Chowk: Humor: An exclusive interview with Qadeem F. Tamacha

 

[Spring Onion]

Ehh come on lovers of qadeem tamacha your commnets needed

 

[ek_indian]

^^^

The disclaimer says all.

 

[Spring Onion]

^^^

The disclaimer says all.

we are not talking about any of the men mentioned in the desclaimer.


We are talking about Qadeem tamacha here.

The writer of thie piece on Tamacha is a good satarical writer

 

[ek_indian]

Although the article is good in humour. It is also a tit for tat response for NFP in same fashion.
However NFP's article was more of the criticism (though in a rude manner) of the baseless conspiracy theory, this article does not seem to posses any point rather than putting NFP in bad light.

The funnies point being, some proof is asked from NFP whereas this should be more in opposite way.

I am more interested in how NFP deal with such words which is written in familier way.

 

[Spring Onion]

Although the article is good in humour. It is also a tit for tat response for NFP in same fashion.
However NFP's article was more of the criticism (though in a rude manner) of the baseless conspiracy theory, this article does not seem to posses any point rather than putting NFP in bad light.

The funnies point being, some proof is asked from NFP whereas this should be more in opposite way.

I am more interested in how NFP deal with such words which is written in familier way.

You being an Indian admirer of tamacha i mean paracha indeed suppose to say what you said.

As far as rude manner thats how NFP writing is, i see no difference between his and this piece.

As far as showing NFP In bad light well thats what he is doing showing others including fellow journalists in bad light which is against the ethics of journalism.

But then again NFP is a not a journalist we can forgive him.


This is a good satir and i would like this write of the piece to write more light stuff indeed not on NFP always as NFP does, beatint the same old notion again and again

 

[ek_indian]

You being an Indian admirer of tamacha i mean paracha indeed suppose to say what you said.

As far as rude manner thats how NFP writing is, i see no difference between his and this piece.

As far as showing NFP In bad light well thats what he is doing showing others including fellow journalists in bad light which is against the ethics of journalism.

But then again NFP is a not a journalist we can forgive him.


This is a good satir and i would like this write of the piece to write more light stuff indeed not on NFP always as NFP does, beatint the same old notion again and again

My admiration goes to every person who talk sense including critics of GoI as well like Arundhati Roy or Khushwant Singh.

I won't try to defend NFP coz even I agree he is too aggressive. However his point remains valid.

And you or I can not decide whether he is journalist or not. Just because he is against your views can not take away his credentials.

Lastly, I would be considered biased due to my flags. Therefore I would like to have views from your countrymen other than you. I have yours already.

 

[Spring Onion]

oh come on man. By writing your views you can not become a jouranlist.

There are certain credentials which makes one. But anyway thats another debate.

We have many of his readers from Pakistan too. Many would support you for the same reason you like him

But anyway its a fact paracha is obssesed with few things which could be counted on fingers.

He can not free himself from those spefic topics so his writing is becoming redeundant

 

[Comet]

I am also Paracha and you have invented a new term for Paracha's, Tamacha

 

[notsuperstitious]

oh come on man. By writing your views you can not become a jouranlist.

There are certain credentials which makes one. But anyway thats another debate.

We have many of his readers from Pakistan too. Many would support you for the same reason you like him

But anyway its a fact paracha is obssesed with few things which could be counted on fingers.

He can not free himself from those spefic topics so his writing is becoming redeundant

You consider ahmed qureshi a journalist?

 

[Spring Onion]

You consider ahmed qureshi a journalist?

Its not me who should consider someone as journalist or not its rules of this profession.

Ahmed Qureshi had worked in some known and good newspapers in Gulf for many years as a journalist.

Dont see him through prisim of Indian reservations over his blog and website

 

[Spring Onion]

I am also Paracha and you have invented a new term for Paracha's, Tamacha

hey its not for all Parachas yara its only for qadeem tamacha

 

[Kompromat]

Bloody hell .....!

 

[sparklingway]

Pretty good humor throughout and quite a fair but of potrayal of NFP's hangups.

The thing this sketch suffers from is exactly what NFP suffers from:- monotnic, obsessive jokes.Either this was a deliberate attempt (and the writer was a genius), or he divulged in a way similar to NFP where he looses sanity and degresses into generalized social commentary.

 

[notsuperstitious]

Its not me who should consider someone as journalist or not its rules of this profession.

Ahmed Qureshi had worked in some known and good newspapers in Gulf for many years as a journalist.

Dont see him through prisim of Indian reservations over his blog and website

Thanks, that confirms it.