jaibi
SENIOR MODERATOR
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2012
- Messages
- 3,459
- Reaction score
- 108
- Country
- Location
The actual fight: the world through the lens of retired warriors
I’ve been holding this one for a long time because I’m not sure how it would go down with the audience. If I offend anyone please accept my deepest apologies and I would love to have your thoughts here. I request that everyone please maintain some semblance of respect for others that I have mentioned here and kindly direct the criticism at my writing or me. Thank you!
Standing at a staggering 6 foot 6 inches, the first time when I met the gentleman I was deeply impressed at the manner in which he presented himself. Crisp in his language and obscure in his humor, I was, as I always am, humbled that such warriors seek me out for when the mind troubles. The man in question was a retired NCO who had proudly served in the SSG and had taken his due retirement some time ago. Let’s call him, Boxer because he was gifted in the sweet science and I’ve been a student of it as well.
Boxer came to me after his unit officer called me up and asked if I would be willing to help. It was after saying yes that it became a learning experience that I wish to share.
After fighting a war for near about two decades it is expected of the armed forces personnel to adjust into civilian life like a snap. I do not mean to offend anyone when I say this that serving is something that you cannot understand unless you have done so yourself. This is something that I experienced too for when I was a young psychologist I had the opportunity of treating armed forces personnel who had retired or were serving and coming to me through their families and I was always had an issue comprehending the stress in their lifestyles that were in place because of their careers.
Let me elaborate, I had a couple who were on the verge of a divorce after only three years of marriage. The stone faced Captain was went through two distinct phases, sometimes he would be crisp and precise in his communication and then whenever I would probe he would become explosive about the pressure that he is under. The wife of the gentleman had, to my mind, very simple complaints: time and quality of life. I think my therapy would have been speedier had I been able to understand the husband, it took me a while to help them because I was unnecessarily focusing on the husband’s adjustment issues, later on, I discovered that he wasn’t the issue the wife was.
I do not mean to rattle anyone’s cage nor ruffle any feathers when I tell you that whatever media you’ve seen about warfare whether it is from Band of Brothers to Alpha Bravo Charlie to the newer editions does not reflect what it is actually like on the field. Unfortunately, however, I think that all civilians of any nationality think they know what it is actually like to be in the armed forces. I’m sorry to inform them that even if your parents were uniformed you really don’t know what it is like to live this life. This is not said with negativity but with reality. I think the same is true for other professions that require a high amount of training such as doctors or field engineers etc., as far as the career is concerned but for the military it goes into every facet of your life and this is precisely why the study of the armed forces is a separate academic field.
Coming back to Boxer, he had cycled through ten jobs in a couple of years whenever he worked in the civilian set up tremendous issues would arise and either he would quit (mostly) or was let go. The events ranged from things like these, once one of his bosses cut off his salary over a minor bureaucratic issue. He told Boxer that he would pay him if he apologized publicly. Boxer told him to shove the money somewhere where it’s not pleasant. I asked him, Boxer, could you not have handled this more tactfully such as maybe taking it up higher? He replied simply, ‘I’m no slave, sir.’
The adjustment period
As we delved in deeper, I discovered what the root cause was, Boxer loved food; he had planned all his life that he would retire and set up a small business such as a food stall or a small restaurant near to his village. When I asked him why wasn’t he doing it there was a small glimmer in his eyes as they filled up with what he had been holding back for three decades.
‘I joined the forces when I was very young, sir, my father was in the forces too. My family made me join up, I used to love studying and I wanted to complete my intermediate. I then volunteered for the SSG because I wanted to show my family, myself and everyone who thought I was just a large fool that I had a lot in me. I spent my whole career planning my life of peace after my part in the war was over. I was very brave, sir, I never feared for my life and I thought after surviving that I will get some peace and do what I want rather than do what others want. I don’t blame the service, those are still the days I go back to but it is my present that I am worried about. My family is not humble, they want things that are stupid and require a lot of money. My wife used to be so supportive I don’t know what happened to her. When I told her I wanted to do open up my own dhaba (food stall) she laughed and said that my hand did not have the flavor needed. I should do what I would be paid for the most. Then you know the kids marriage, universities and other expenditures, I lost most of my savings in completely unnecessary things. Whenever I said no, I was emotionally blackmailed so much that I caved every time. I have become a bitter man and I think I will become like the men in my life who did not let me reach success on my own terms because they did not believe in me. I’m starting to lose my faith in my fellow man, sir. I see no end to this vicious cycle. I think I’m in a well and there’s no getting out.’
‘Yet the warrior fights on, eh?’ that was the only thing I could come up with.
‘What else do we know how to do, sir?’ he replied with piercing accuracy and added, ‘Sir, I truly don’t think the people we fight for want us to return actually. If they do then why do they do this to us? Why is it so difficult to understand us?’
Here on we went into a deep discussion of how soldiers throughout history have echoed what he was saying and he asked me if I could recommend some good books to him because he used to love reading when he was a boy.
The resurgence
It has been two months now that I’ve been talking to Boxer and he is well adjusted in his job where he’s making savings now to open up his own little place and making everyone happy with awesome tea, some good quality smokes and delicious food. We had a lot of fun with the names, ‘Commando Inn’, ‘Special Services Khappa’ etc., I would love to see what you recommend, dear reader.
What did Boxer require? Here’s where even trained people, in my opinion, fail. I often get people who have been through the system of healthcare and usually I’m the last resort because others have given up. My peers and colleagues often used to joke that I’m ‘Fat Man’ the nuke to end it all and as much as I love that ego boost of smashing people’s expectations and winning an uphill battle, I must confess, it is not the reason why I do this. I do this because I have been through a life where I was treated the same way, ‘hopless’, ‘koi faida nahi’ (it’s of no use), ‘tumharey sawalon ki wajha se kabhi sakun nahi aye ga’ (your questions will make it impossible for you to be in peace.’ I just like to help people the way I wanted to be helped. That is exactly what Boxer required, someone to listen to him rather than ‘give him the talk’ someone to understand him on his own terms. Someone who would say, you’ve done so much, you deserve to have a say for yourself, you can do this, I believe in you.
I think that is what not just he but a lot of other people are missing too.
The disease
I think there’s one thing that infects the world right now and that is hypocrisy. ‘Live your dreams…’ is what we’re told but in actuality the practice is, ‘Live your dreams as long as you can fulfil my conditions.’ There are people who would be extremely judgmental not because they have an actual criticism but because they cannot do what you’re doing. As a family therapist I have often seen parents control their children not because they’re worried about the welfare but because they sacrificed their dreams to have them but if you’re in such a position then maybe don’t have them at that time? Lifelong misery is not worth anything.
I think beyond the civilian/military, international economics, societal change and what not, this is the disease. For instance, it saddens me to see young men wanting to marry by their choice but not letting their sisters have the same choice. Is not your wife someone’s sister? The focus isn’t love marriages but hypocrisy. I respect someone who believes in arrange marriage for himself and does the same for everyone. At the very least, he is not a hypocrite, it is easier to convince such people because they are being moral here. During the early days of my service I helped a Pakhtun lady to convince her parents to let her marry her colleague who was Punjabi because I only asked her father a simple question, who are you? He replied he was a Muslim, a Pakistani and a Pakhtun. I asked and what does your religion say about this issue? What does your country say and what does your culture say? If these three things contradict which will you choose? Are you a better Pakhtun than a Muslim? He stayed silent and went away after that. I got a call about two weeks later that he had agreed and was proud that his daughter stood up for her rights. He told me on their marriage that I said something to him which he could not get out of his head, the first Muslims rebelled against their parents too when they were being forced to renounce their faith. Parents can be wrong. He said he felt like the Arabs at the time who were resisting the truth.
Being true to yourself is what helps, psychology is not to manipulate you into doing what you should but helping you figure out what is that you want and how to achieve it within the constraints that you face.
My only message and request on behalf of the those who give their lives so we can type on our laptops, call our friends and enjoy our lives is this: please, cure your hypocrisy. Be anything but do not be a hypocrite, let’s act the way we think and believe in and let’s stand up for that which is right, not that which is convenient. Lastly, we need to support one another.
On that last point, I have promised Boxer that I will lead a PDF regiment into his dhaba and we will make it our regular resort. Once it is done, I would love for all of us to go there and show him support.
I’ve been holding this one for a long time because I’m not sure how it would go down with the audience. If I offend anyone please accept my deepest apologies and I would love to have your thoughts here. I request that everyone please maintain some semblance of respect for others that I have mentioned here and kindly direct the criticism at my writing or me. Thank you!
Standing at a staggering 6 foot 6 inches, the first time when I met the gentleman I was deeply impressed at the manner in which he presented himself. Crisp in his language and obscure in his humor, I was, as I always am, humbled that such warriors seek me out for when the mind troubles. The man in question was a retired NCO who had proudly served in the SSG and had taken his due retirement some time ago. Let’s call him, Boxer because he was gifted in the sweet science and I’ve been a student of it as well.
Boxer came to me after his unit officer called me up and asked if I would be willing to help. It was after saying yes that it became a learning experience that I wish to share.
After fighting a war for near about two decades it is expected of the armed forces personnel to adjust into civilian life like a snap. I do not mean to offend anyone when I say this that serving is something that you cannot understand unless you have done so yourself. This is something that I experienced too for when I was a young psychologist I had the opportunity of treating armed forces personnel who had retired or were serving and coming to me through their families and I was always had an issue comprehending the stress in their lifestyles that were in place because of their careers.
Let me elaborate, I had a couple who were on the verge of a divorce after only three years of marriage. The stone faced Captain was went through two distinct phases, sometimes he would be crisp and precise in his communication and then whenever I would probe he would become explosive about the pressure that he is under. The wife of the gentleman had, to my mind, very simple complaints: time and quality of life. I think my therapy would have been speedier had I been able to understand the husband, it took me a while to help them because I was unnecessarily focusing on the husband’s adjustment issues, later on, I discovered that he wasn’t the issue the wife was.
I do not mean to rattle anyone’s cage nor ruffle any feathers when I tell you that whatever media you’ve seen about warfare whether it is from Band of Brothers to Alpha Bravo Charlie to the newer editions does not reflect what it is actually like on the field. Unfortunately, however, I think that all civilians of any nationality think they know what it is actually like to be in the armed forces. I’m sorry to inform them that even if your parents were uniformed you really don’t know what it is like to live this life. This is not said with negativity but with reality. I think the same is true for other professions that require a high amount of training such as doctors or field engineers etc., as far as the career is concerned but for the military it goes into every facet of your life and this is precisely why the study of the armed forces is a separate academic field.
Coming back to Boxer, he had cycled through ten jobs in a couple of years whenever he worked in the civilian set up tremendous issues would arise and either he would quit (mostly) or was let go. The events ranged from things like these, once one of his bosses cut off his salary over a minor bureaucratic issue. He told Boxer that he would pay him if he apologized publicly. Boxer told him to shove the money somewhere where it’s not pleasant. I asked him, Boxer, could you not have handled this more tactfully such as maybe taking it up higher? He replied simply, ‘I’m no slave, sir.’
The adjustment period
As we delved in deeper, I discovered what the root cause was, Boxer loved food; he had planned all his life that he would retire and set up a small business such as a food stall or a small restaurant near to his village. When I asked him why wasn’t he doing it there was a small glimmer in his eyes as they filled up with what he had been holding back for three decades.
‘I joined the forces when I was very young, sir, my father was in the forces too. My family made me join up, I used to love studying and I wanted to complete my intermediate. I then volunteered for the SSG because I wanted to show my family, myself and everyone who thought I was just a large fool that I had a lot in me. I spent my whole career planning my life of peace after my part in the war was over. I was very brave, sir, I never feared for my life and I thought after surviving that I will get some peace and do what I want rather than do what others want. I don’t blame the service, those are still the days I go back to but it is my present that I am worried about. My family is not humble, they want things that are stupid and require a lot of money. My wife used to be so supportive I don’t know what happened to her. When I told her I wanted to do open up my own dhaba (food stall) she laughed and said that my hand did not have the flavor needed. I should do what I would be paid for the most. Then you know the kids marriage, universities and other expenditures, I lost most of my savings in completely unnecessary things. Whenever I said no, I was emotionally blackmailed so much that I caved every time. I have become a bitter man and I think I will become like the men in my life who did not let me reach success on my own terms because they did not believe in me. I’m starting to lose my faith in my fellow man, sir. I see no end to this vicious cycle. I think I’m in a well and there’s no getting out.’
‘Yet the warrior fights on, eh?’ that was the only thing I could come up with.
‘What else do we know how to do, sir?’ he replied with piercing accuracy and added, ‘Sir, I truly don’t think the people we fight for want us to return actually. If they do then why do they do this to us? Why is it so difficult to understand us?’
Here on we went into a deep discussion of how soldiers throughout history have echoed what he was saying and he asked me if I could recommend some good books to him because he used to love reading when he was a boy.
The resurgence
It has been two months now that I’ve been talking to Boxer and he is well adjusted in his job where he’s making savings now to open up his own little place and making everyone happy with awesome tea, some good quality smokes and delicious food. We had a lot of fun with the names, ‘Commando Inn’, ‘Special Services Khappa’ etc., I would love to see what you recommend, dear reader.
What did Boxer require? Here’s where even trained people, in my opinion, fail. I often get people who have been through the system of healthcare and usually I’m the last resort because others have given up. My peers and colleagues often used to joke that I’m ‘Fat Man’ the nuke to end it all and as much as I love that ego boost of smashing people’s expectations and winning an uphill battle, I must confess, it is not the reason why I do this. I do this because I have been through a life where I was treated the same way, ‘hopless’, ‘koi faida nahi’ (it’s of no use), ‘tumharey sawalon ki wajha se kabhi sakun nahi aye ga’ (your questions will make it impossible for you to be in peace.’ I just like to help people the way I wanted to be helped. That is exactly what Boxer required, someone to listen to him rather than ‘give him the talk’ someone to understand him on his own terms. Someone who would say, you’ve done so much, you deserve to have a say for yourself, you can do this, I believe in you.
I think that is what not just he but a lot of other people are missing too.
The disease
I think there’s one thing that infects the world right now and that is hypocrisy. ‘Live your dreams…’ is what we’re told but in actuality the practice is, ‘Live your dreams as long as you can fulfil my conditions.’ There are people who would be extremely judgmental not because they have an actual criticism but because they cannot do what you’re doing. As a family therapist I have often seen parents control their children not because they’re worried about the welfare but because they sacrificed their dreams to have them but if you’re in such a position then maybe don’t have them at that time? Lifelong misery is not worth anything.
I think beyond the civilian/military, international economics, societal change and what not, this is the disease. For instance, it saddens me to see young men wanting to marry by their choice but not letting their sisters have the same choice. Is not your wife someone’s sister? The focus isn’t love marriages but hypocrisy. I respect someone who believes in arrange marriage for himself and does the same for everyone. At the very least, he is not a hypocrite, it is easier to convince such people because they are being moral here. During the early days of my service I helped a Pakhtun lady to convince her parents to let her marry her colleague who was Punjabi because I only asked her father a simple question, who are you? He replied he was a Muslim, a Pakistani and a Pakhtun. I asked and what does your religion say about this issue? What does your country say and what does your culture say? If these three things contradict which will you choose? Are you a better Pakhtun than a Muslim? He stayed silent and went away after that. I got a call about two weeks later that he had agreed and was proud that his daughter stood up for her rights. He told me on their marriage that I said something to him which he could not get out of his head, the first Muslims rebelled against their parents too when they were being forced to renounce their faith. Parents can be wrong. He said he felt like the Arabs at the time who were resisting the truth.
Being true to yourself is what helps, psychology is not to manipulate you into doing what you should but helping you figure out what is that you want and how to achieve it within the constraints that you face.
My only message and request on behalf of the those who give their lives so we can type on our laptops, call our friends and enjoy our lives is this: please, cure your hypocrisy. Be anything but do not be a hypocrite, let’s act the way we think and believe in and let’s stand up for that which is right, not that which is convenient. Lastly, we need to support one another.
On that last point, I have promised Boxer that I will lead a PDF regiment into his dhaba and we will make it our regular resort. Once it is done, I would love for all of us to go there and show him support.
