A Couples argument is a box of drama with four sides. There happens to be an unconscious, habitual and frustrating pattern to arguments. In any disagreement, you can identify the Perpetrator, the Avenger, the Rescuer and the Victim.
Like a fire, arguments dont start by themselves. First, you have the person who is upset or outraged about something. They might have held their feelings inside but reach a point where they must say something. Like a match which can starts something big, a few combustible words
are fuel.
The timing doesnt matter. Out it comes. What you say moves directly towards your partner, (who may have their feet up reading a book and relaxing), totally unaware. Hit them with a dose of negative and straight away they feel hurt. One automatic reaction is to seek payback, and become angry. The Avenger.
When this happens , the partner who brought up the issue in the first place , seeing the anger, starts to feel guilty and becomes the Rescuer. The Rescuer feels bad about what is happening , and at the same time, frustrated at trying to fix the problem. The solution for them is to take the role of the Victim. Partners switch roles until the argument is resolved. Both give away time, energy and personal power when you participate in the the drama of arguments.