Mind your (English) language

[BATMAN]

See , How people write leave Applications.
They don't know how much they made me laugh.


The Leave Applications


· Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:


"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

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· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:


"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

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· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.." --------------------------------------------------------------------------

· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

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· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"


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· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

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· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

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· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
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· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

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· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

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· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

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· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

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· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

 

[amarnath]

and this only in pakistan

 

[Khalids]

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.
This is a true essay written by a CSS candidate at the CSS Exam held in year 2002-2003 in Islamabad . The candidate has written an essay on Cow:


"COW"

He is the cow. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed. And because he is female, he gives milks, [but will do so when he is got child.]. He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [horses don't have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, water mans and mankind generally.. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion. {gober} is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes [like Pizza], in hand, and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.. Then afterwards he chews with his teeth that are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body here upon he gives hit with it. The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives.

This is the cow.


We have come to know that this guy passed the exam and now working as DC somewhere in Punjab !!!

 

[Khalids]

HILARIOUS SCIENCE PAPERS

Interpretations of nature from junior high, high school, and college test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers (spelling errors preserved)....

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 

[PeacefulIndian]

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.
This is a true essay written by a CSS candidate at the CSS Exam held in year 2002-2003 in Islamabad . The candidate has written an essay on Cow:


"COW"

...............

I would think this is a joke. I have received several e-mails with this. Sometimes the student was stated to be from CBSE, sometimes from some other Indian institute. Probably this did not happen at all.

 

[Khalids]

An essay by an American student

 

[Khalids]

I would think this is a joke. I have received several e-mails with this. Sometimes the student was stated to be from CBSE, sometimes from some other Indian institute. Probably this did not happen at all.

But a worth read.

 

[Khalids]

The Same student again.

 

[Khalids]

This student has produced such gems of writing.

 

[Musalman]

We Indians and Pakistanis hate each other so much that in this small funny things we tend to fight. Fact of the matter is English is not our mother tongue. It is our slave mentality that we want ppl to speak perfect English.

 

[araz]

and this only in pakistan

Bhai
let me pass on a few gems from my time in England. It may have something to do with the technical language of medicine, and also to my accent ,which is definately not British.
A lady who had had Splenectomy was given a vaccine against H. Influenzae, I dictated"and following the splenectomy she was inoculated against H. Influenzae(ReadInfluenzie). The letter was typed"and following her splenectomy she was innoculated against itch and frenzy"
Another gem from another clinicwhere benign was typed as B9.
So there you have it, form the typewriter of the English themselves. As they say "Some mothers do have 'em"
WaSalam
Araz

 

[araz]

Another famous statement from a great teacher from jamshoro Engineering University.Hyderabad Sindh.
"Baba, cant you see i am busy , Come to me beyond the class when i am empty"
Araz

 

[Blossom]

mind your language acha...hunh!

 

[haawk]

one of my physical edu staff......

take the ball from the centre and keep it in the middle