Military humor

[Mig-29]

Authentic transcript?????

GUIDE NOTE: In the Spring of 2001, a Navy EP-3 Intelligence Aircraft made an emergency landing on an airfield in China.

To: George W. Bush
From: National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice

Sir: Team of five experts from "Lockheed Martin" (i.e., three Lockheed Martin, two CIA), arrived Hainan Island to inspect EP-3E surveillance plane. Team managed to recover cockpit voice recorder (CVR) intact. Miracle Chinese did not find as CVR in clear sight on pilot's seat. Team played CVR. Authentic? Crew voices sound odd; possible stress related. Also mention of New York Yankees. Conclusion: authentic. Transcript follows. Safe to say we now have big problem.

Transcript of Cockpit Voice Recorder aboard EP-3E surveillance plane. Voices of pilot, Lt. Shane Osborn; co-pilot, Lt. Patrick Honeck; co-pilot, Lt. Jeffery Vignery:

OSBORN: Co-pilot Honeck, please to state where are we.

HONECK: Sir, we are fly over South China Sea.

OSBORN: Ah! So we are in violation clearly of sovereign Chinese airspace! Good for our hegemonist purposes!

VIGNERY: Go New York Yankees!

OSBORN: I will bring our illegal flight closer even much to the righteous land of People's Republic! Look you all now. I think I can see the humble domicile residence of the honorable servant of the people Jiang Zemin! We despise him for his goodness!

HONECK: Tell us, my American captain of U.S. EP-3E spy plane travelling in purposeful illegality, is it still of our secret plans to kill the noble protector of China Jiang Zemin and to show disrespect also to all righteous veterans of the People's Glorious Revolution?

OSBORN: Yes of course! We are committed to be dastardly always!

VIGNERY: Go Michael Jordan of Chicago Lakers basketball team!

HONECK: But Wang Zhi Zhi of Dallas team is much superior we concede!

VIGNERY: Yes he will break in all ways all records held by inferior American players of his sport who have not to cringe in terror ever before superior Chinese competitor of great stature Wang Zhi Zhi!

OSBORN: Holding down that chatter you members of sinister crew! See how we are foiled in our evil purposes! It arrives the magnificent and courageous Air Force of the People's Republic of China come to rain on our vile parading!

HONECK: Damn their meddling valiant ways!

VIGNERY: Now are we foiled in our plot to set up offensive-minded missile defense shield for our masters in Taiwan, which is in truth part of China as we know!

HONECK: Go military-industrial complex!

OSBORN: My news is the worse for us yet, crew of foul evildoers. This pilot of this plane pursues us with such skill and vigorousness of purpose and has no intention of performing in a hot-dogging or dangerous manner and so could not possibly make error of which we will wrongly accuse him.

VIGNERY: What shall we do?

OSBORN: I am committed to fly in calculated reckless way into his path!

HONECK: Yes! We must showing reckless disregard for all in our quest take over world domination!

VIGNERY: Go Corporation of Microsoft!

OSBORN: It is done! I have destroyed the faultless aircraft of People's Republic of China and am a hegemonist hero!

HONECK: But damn the torpedoes! See how our cowardly deed has undone us! In our behaving recklessness our plane in clear violation of sovereign Chinese territory is damaged and falling from sky!

VIGNERY: If only our low of quality aircraft were strong and true as those made by the tireless workers of People's Republic of China!

OSBORN: Stop your chatterings! Now move in quick way! Destroy all records of our crimes against citizens of Chinese nation and marvelous leader Jiang Zemin!

HONECK: Also we must have plan for lying to humane and caring interrogators of extraordinary Chinese Army whom all nations should be in fear.

CREW: Yes, we must lie like Imperialist capitalist dogs! It is our nature!

OSBORN: I concur. But let us too hide the voice recorder of the cockpit so none will ever know of our criminal actions taken by us the real crew of the American illegal spying plane of which we are truly the real crew.

HONECK: Yes, this voice recorder of the cockpit is very honest and not a forgery. I the real co-pilot who is Honeck lieutenant will do this hiding now! May the world never know who is in clearly at fault guilty United States!

(tape ends)

 

[Mig-29]

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''

The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

 

[Mig-29]

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.

The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

 

[Mig-29]

There was this Air Force dude sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big Marine stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The Airman started crying. The Marineturned andd said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My commander became outraged and is going to give me an Article 15.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The Security Police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the neighbor. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

 

[Mig-29]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines flight, its 3PM.

If it is Air Force, its 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, its 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, Mickey's big hand is on the 12 and Mickey's little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, its Thursday afternoon."

 

[Mig-29]

self delete

 

[Mig-29]

A Russian Private, a Cuban Private, an American Private and an American Colonel are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In the Russian Army, they give us the best vodka in the world. Nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...".

Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban opens a box of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In the Cuban Military, we are given the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...".

Saying that, he throws the box of havanas out the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Colonel out...

 

[Mig-29]

President Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the UNSCOM inspections in Iraq. As he sits down he sees three buttons in the armrest of Saddam's chair. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "Why the three buttons in your armrest?"

"You'll see," says Saddam. After 10 minutes Saddam presses the first button, and WHACK a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam just laughs. Clinton manages to remain calm until, after another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing.

Clinton is highly annoyed by now, but remains outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the crotch. Clinton is really fed up by it now and breaks off the talks.

"We'll continue this next week in the White House," says the President.

Saddam, has tears in his eyes from laughing, and can only nod in agreement.

As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office a week later, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing ... really loud.

Clinton continues where he left off, and after a few minutes presses the second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and jumps up to avoid whatever is coming. Again absolutely nothing happens, and this time it's Clinton who falls out of his chair from laughing.

Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what the hell is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and the talks continue.

After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam doesn't even flinch, but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughter.

Saddam is not only bewildered-now he is angry. He springs to his feet and shouts, "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Through tears of laughter, Clinton says, "Baghdad? .... what Baghdad?"

 

[Mig-29]

An Air Force Captain and an Army Captain were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Air Force Captain leans
over to the Army Captain and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Army Captain just wants to sleep, so he politely
declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Air Force Captain persists and explains that it is a really easy game. He says, "I ask a question and if you don't kow the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Army Captain politely declines and tried to sleep.

The Air Force Captain, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I
don't know the answer, I pay you $50!"

Now, that got the Army Captain's attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Air Force Captain asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Army Captain doesn't say a word, but reaches for his wallet instead and hands the Air Force Captain $5.

Now it is the Army Captain's turn. He asks the Air Force Captain, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
on four?"

The Air Force Captain looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his notebook computer, looks
through all his references, and after about half an hour, wakes the Army Captain and hands the Army Captain $50.
The Army Captain politely takes the $50, turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Airforce Captain, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the Army Captain reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Air Force Captain, turns away and returns to sleep.

 

[Mig-29]

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.

Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

 

[Mig-29]

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.

Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"

To which the chauffeur replied, "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."

 

[Mig-29]

Letter to china by The People of the United States of America


Dear China,

We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.

We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.

Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.

 

[Mig-29]

It's the Spring of 1957 and a sailor goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and inviteshim in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says the sailor.

Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:

" DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

[Mig-29]

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.

He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall.

Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform.

The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent.

The class fell silent...waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken he looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent the Marines."

 

[Mig-29]

There was a Green Beret who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The Green Beret thought that was cute so he let them go out.

Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: "My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go.

Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the Green Beret thought it was cute and he let them go.

Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said: "My name is Chuck," The Green Beret shot him.