Joke

[Silent observer]

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake , so he examined her. " You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I ?"

He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine Miss Lewinski. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

[mshoaib61]

 

[IMADreamer]

Note: The Conversation in the brackets {} contain the words which the guy is speaking to himself!!!



She gives a missed call to him … and He calls her back…

She: Hello!

He: {are yaar...Raat ke 10 bajte nahin ki iski 2-2 second waali missed calls shuru…pata nahi aaj kya bore karegi}
Hi ...kya baat hai..?

She: kuch nahi...bas aise hi phone kiya...

He: {Aise hee ??? Yeh kya Radio Station hai ki aise hee ...!! Aur Call kahan kiya ?... khali missed call to diya hai, roz ki tarah...}
oh...ok ..kya kar rahi thi ??

She: abhi abhi dinner khatam kiya...tum kya kar rahe the?

He: {mai to lunch karke utha hoon na}
Mera bhi abhi abhi dinner khatam hua.. ab...."Ladki Kyon Najaane Kyon" sun raha hu FM par....



She: nice song… (And then she hums a line from the song "Hum Tum")

He: {Yaaaaaaaaarrrrr …kyun bola gaane ka naam .. Ab ye Madonna saare raag gaa degi yaheen}
Hey!!!! Tum itni achchi gaati ho? mujhe pata hi nahi tha ..

She: *giggles*

He: {Ohhhho kya hansti hai .. aisa lag raha hai koi gaadi start kar raha hai}
Hey ek aur baar gaao na pls!

She: Yehan sab so rahe hai... Agar main gaaongi to sab uth jaaenge…

He: {Ekdum Correct...woh yehi samjhenge ki koi paagal, kisi baat par naraaz ho gayi hai ...}
Come on! Please!

She: Hattt ...I don't sing that well

He: {Yeh to saari duniya ko pata hai... paka kyun rahi hai}
It was really sweet. Please gaao na dear …

She: Mujhe kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai jaan …

He: {mujhe tujhse jyada ajeeb lagta hai, dekh phir bhi shaheed hone ko tayaar baitha hoon}
Aisa kuch bhi nahi hai jaanu...gaao na

He: {mere ko doosra raasta nahi hai....is liye bola}
Abhi tum gaaogi ya nahi ?

She: kyun pareshaan kar rahe ho?

He: Acchha ! Ok Nahi karta

She: I don't have that great a voice ... ye to aise hee gaa diya tha ... warna mai nahin gaati

He: {Fir aise hee ??? bada ehsaan karti agar nahin gaati … kaan mai se khoon nikalne waala hai... saala gadha bhi sharma jaaye
teri awaaz sunke…}
hmmmm

She: Theek hai... jab itni zid kar rahe ho... sirf ek stanza gaaungi theek hai??

He: {Abbe teri !!! fas gayaaaaa ... shittttt … aur kya kya jhelna padega malum nahi…}
Great!!!!

She: kaunsa gaana gaau ?

He: {Tum kuch bhi gaao... meri to aaj by default neend haraam hai…}
Hmmmm… 'Mahiya' from Awarapan?

She: Nice song. But mujhe lyrics yaad nahi hai

He: {Thank God ... Text book chhodke tujhe aur kya pata hai bol ...}
Dhoom Machale?

She: Nahi main wohi gaana gaaungi
He: {Aye tere nakhre ... mai to jaise mara jaa raha hoon teri awaaz sun ne ke liye Shakira … koi bhi gaana gaa....mere kaan to pakne waale hai}
Cool

(She clears her throat, hums a line and then)

She: Nahi jaan… I am feeling very shy!

He: {Tu shuru kyun hoti hai … ek bar shuru hokar khatam kyun nahin karti jaldi jaldi... ab kya Eden Gardens book karun, tab gayegi}
Gaao na...pls gaao na....teri awaaz ki samundar me main doob jaana chahta hoon

She: dekho....ab tum mujhe naaraaz kar rahe ho …

He: {Achchha ab tujhe manaane mai poore sheher ko phool leke bhejun kya}
No no... Tum shy feel kar rahi ho na.... is liye... Trying to make u comfortable …

She: Hmmm…

He: {Ye makkhi ki tarah kya shuru ho gayi}
Please gaao na darling...

She: Main kal gaaun?

He: {Haaaaaannnn...jaaan bachi... nikal leta hoon...abhi mauka hai}
Theek hai jaisi tumhaari merzi

She: Hmmm

He: Good night

She: Good night

She: Sweet Dreams… Take care...

He: Sweets dreams to u too... {kaahe ke sweet dreams .. sone degi tab na ayenge dreams …abhi 2 minute mein fir call karegi}

After a while She calls Him (sorry...that never happens, she gives only a missed call)
She: Hey… so gaye the kya?

He: {Nahiii...current ka aavishkaar kar raha tha...}
Nahi jaan

She: kya kar rahe ho?

He: {Raat ko kya gili danda khelna hai...}
Match dekh raha tha
She: Theek hai tum match dekho

He: {phone rakhegi to dekhunga na... ya tu running commentary sunayegi}
Hey it's ok... purana match hai

She: Did u feel bad I didn't sing?

(Since it is a tricky question, He thinks for a while)

He: {Bad eh? Crazy girl... this was the luckiest day in my life, since you didn't sing}
Bad toh main nahi keh raha jaanu. But I want you to be comfortable first.... tumhi ne bola ki main kal gaaungi.....
So, me waiting… { maine to socha tha ki aaj bach gaya ... dhatttt tereki L}

She sings 1 stanza from the song

'Jiski aankhon me meri hi nami.....'

He: Wow. Too good!

She: jhoot....mujhe maloom hai ki meri awaaz itni achchi nahi hai

He: {Saamne aa jaa, fir bataata hoon... pagal kar diya... chalo shukr hai self realization hai ... J}
Nahi darling you really sing well

She: nahi..mujhe maloom hai tum bas aise hi keh rahe ho

He: {Very good.. aakhir tumne pata laga hi liya.....kyun bhagwaan kyun !! mere saath ye julm kyun}
Cheee! Cheee! teri voice agar itni buri hoti to main kya ab tak na sun raha hota

She: Hmmmm...theek hai.. good night.. ab tum bhi so jaao…

He: {Achcha mil gayi permission ... waise tera gaana sunne ke baad neend kahan aayegi ab ...}
Good night!

She: Take care

He: You too

She: Hey....

He: {Arrre yaar.. aaj ye nahi chhodegi} kya hai sweety?

She: sach bataao honey..meri voice achchi hai ya nahi...
He: {Tu apni voice record karke sun kyon nahi leti ek baar !! dimaag ka dahi kar rakha hai .. lassi banaake peeja mere dimaag ki}
sachchi... Of course.

She: sirf jhoot

He: {Iski toh... !! jab pata hai to mujhse kya singing sensation ka award legi !! phata dhol…}
Not at all. You sing very well…

She: Hmmm.... tum keh rahe ho to theek hi hoga. Good night.
He: Good Night!!

 

[fawwaxs]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

 

[fawwaxs]

A Russian arrives in NY City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!”

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am Mexican!”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!”
The person says, “I not American. I Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks further and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful America!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East, I am not American!”.

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”

She says, “No, I am from Africa!”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

The African lady checks her watch and says…….. “Probably at work!”

Author Unknown.

Little something to start your day with a smile.

As always Hope this helps

 

[fawwaxs]

It’s funny and touchy

 

[mshoaib61]

TV JOURNALIST: zardari sahab aap ko kab dar lagta hai??

ZARDARI: jab log kehtey hein
.
.
"ZINDA HAI BIBI ZINDA HAI"

 

[mshoaib61]

Ek Zardari ko dekha to aisa laga
Jaisay khana kharab
Jaisay total azaab
Jaisay aadi faqeer
Jaisay murda zameer
Jaisay naasoor ho koi sarta hoaa,

Ek Zardari ko dekha to aisa laga
Jaisay bijli ka taar
Jaisay khanjar ki dhaar
Jaisay dozakh ki aag
Jaisay zehrila naag
Jaisay garmi ki dhoop
Jaisay shetan ka roop

 

[mshoaib61]

Zardari and Musharraf:

Haqeeqat thi par

khuwab nikla,

dur tha par pass nikla,

mein iss bat

ko kia kaho,

Ye zardari to Musharraf ka bi

BA@pp nikla.

 

[mshoaib61]

Zardari was angry that someone is spreading all these jokes about him. So he ordered the FIA to catch the culprit. Finally, he was caught and brought before the President.
Zardari: How dare you say those nasty things about me!
Joker: Sir maaf karday
Zardari: Dont you know I can have you killed
Joker: Mai **** aap mujhay bakhsh day
Zardari: I am the president of Pakistan
Joker: Huzoor ghaltee hogai
Zardari: I represent the will of the people of this country
Joker: Yeh joke mainay nahee banayaa

 

[S.U.R.B.]

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

 

[S.U.R.B.]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

 

[Spring Onion]

A reporter asked an injured man

(yeh batao bomb kaisay phata (How the bomb exploded.)



The injured man angrily : Bomb reengta reengta maray paas aya aur bolo bhooom

 

[Spring Onion]

Forigner : My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never used glasses.

Sardar: I know some people drink directly from tooti

 

[mshoaib61]

Ek bar ek Shopping Mall ne ek naya gujarati salesman hire kiya. Salary badhne lagi-din dugni, raat chauguni.

Boss ne socha is ladke se mujhe milna hai. Boss Mall par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bechraha tha.


Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa. Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. Customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-.

Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? Ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye, customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.


Ab ladke ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega, customer ne cap bhi kharid li. Ab ladke ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch eatables, wafer, biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye. Ladka bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? Yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid li.

Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.


Boss bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa . . aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.

Ladka bola, ' Sir, woh aadmi to 'Stayfree' napkin kharidane ayaa tha uski biwi ke liye, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega, '"Jaa Machli Pakad'"