Marshmallow
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Joke
- Thread starter EagleEyes
- Start date
CIPHER
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ROBIN BROWN
ANDY PHILIP
JAKOB MURPHY
NORMAN GRACE
IAN KEPLING
Recognise these guys?
These are names of those Navy Seals who
killed Osama Bin Laden!
Now U'll be Wondering why am I sharing
this with u???
Well Stop wondering & just add the 1st
letters of thier names ;
I think u'll get the point!
ANDY PHILIP
JAKOB MURPHY
NORMAN GRACE
IAN KEPLING
Recognise these guys?
These are names of those Navy Seals who
killed Osama Bin Laden!
Now U'll be Wondering why am I sharing
this with u???
Well Stop wondering & just add the 1st
letters of thier names ;
I think u'll get the point!
Christopher
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This on is good
morning I will tell this one to a priest, Fr. Yaqoob
morning I will tell this one to a priest, Fr. Yaqoob
rockstarIN
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Marshmallow
SENIOR MEMBER
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2012
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- 4,469
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Last edited by a moderator:
fatman17
PDF THINK TANK: CONSULTANT
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Jar full of money
> A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large
jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with £20 notes. He guesses
there must be thousands of pounds in it.
>
> He approaches the
barman and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
>
> Well, you pay £20
and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'
>
> The man
certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'
>
> 'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the barman. So the man gives him
the £20 and the barman drops it into the jar.
>
> 'OK,' the barman
says. 'Here's what you need to do ........
>
> First, you have to
drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and
you can't make a face while doing it.
>
> Second, there's a pit
bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with
your bare hands.
>
> Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs
who has never reached org@sm during !ntercourse. You've gotta make things right
for her.'
>
> The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my £20, but I'm
not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do those other things ..'
>
> 'Your call,' says
the barman, 'but your money stays where it is.'
>
> As time goes on
and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat
tequila?'
>
> He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with
big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a
face.
>
> Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is
chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going
on outside.
>
> They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming,
the pit bull yelping and then silence.
>
> Just when they think the
man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped
and large bloody scratches all over his body.
>
> 'Now,' he says.
'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
>
whats manmohanmode?
> A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large
jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with £20 notes. He guesses
there must be thousands of pounds in it.
>
> He approaches the
barman and asks. 'What's up with the jar?'
>
> Well, you pay £20
and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..'
>
> The man
certainly isn't going to pass this up. 'What are the three tests?'
>
> 'Pay first, those are the rules.' says the barman. So the man gives him
the £20 and the barman drops it into the jar.
>
> 'OK,' the barman
says. 'Here's what you need to do ........
>
> First, you have to
drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and
you can't make a face while doing it.
>
> Second, there's a pit
bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with
your bare hands.
>
> Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs
who has never reached org@sm during !ntercourse. You've gotta make things right
for her.'
>
> The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my £20, but I'm
not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do those other things ..'
>
> 'Your call,' says
the barman, 'but your money stays where it is.'
>
> As time goes on
and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, 'Wherez zat
tequila?'
>
> He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with
big slurps. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a
face.
>
> Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is
chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going
on outside.
>
> They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming,
the pit bull yelping and then silence.
>
> Just when they think the
man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped
and large bloody scratches all over his body.
>
> 'Now,' he says.
'Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?'
>
whats manmohanmode?
In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Here. Iron this.”
When your mobile goes Indian PM style, silent...
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: “Here. Iron this.”
When your mobile goes Indian PM style, silent...
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
------------------------------
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
------------------------------
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later.
------------------------------
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
------------------------------
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
------------------------------
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
------------------------------
I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega , Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
------------------------------
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
------------------------------
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later.
------------------------------
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
------------------------------
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
------------------------------
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
------------------------------
I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega , Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:
'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
The Problem with Speaking English
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. “Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”
A man was sitting in an aircraft waiting for it to depart for New York. There was nobody in a seat next to him. A minute before closing the doors, young woman so beautiful that everyone stared at her at least a few moments entered the aircraft and sat right next to him. He felt he should try his luck, so he asked:
-Well, if it’s not too personal, why are you traveling to New York? Vacation?
-No, I’m actually going to a seminar about sexual education.
-Really?
Yes, I will be presenting the most common stereotypes. For example, it’s believed that English are the most uninterested, but those are Norwegians. Furthermore, people think that French are the most passionate, but those are American Indians. It’s also believed that Italians have the biggest, but it’s Greeks. But I’m really becoming boring… What’s your name?
-Oh, I’m Vinetu. Vinetu Papandopulos!
--------------------------------------
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”
-Well, if it’s not too personal, why are you traveling to New York? Vacation?
-No, I’m actually going to a seminar about sexual education.
-Really?
Yes, I will be presenting the most common stereotypes. For example, it’s believed that English are the most uninterested, but those are Norwegians. Furthermore, people think that French are the most passionate, but those are American Indians. It’s also believed that Italians have the biggest, but it’s Greeks. But I’m really becoming boring… What’s your name?
-Oh, I’m Vinetu. Vinetu Papandopulos!
--------------------------------------
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”
God and Lucifer were sitting out on the patio, and God noticed that his best friend was kind of down in the dumps. God tried a few of his better jokes, but the best Lucifer could work up was a weak smile. God freshened Lucifer's drink with a little Old thunderbolt, but all he got in return was a subdued, "Thanks, Big Guy." God tried a few card tricks, a little magic, a bit of the old razza-ma-tazz, but his buddy just wouldn't crack a smile. Finally, in desperation, God said, "This one takes a little while to work up, but just be patient, and I know I can cheer you up, Red." Lucifer responded despondently, "Go ahead, but I don't think it's much use; the fire just seems to have gone out of things for me."
So God said, "Let there be light!" ...
Lucifer hasn't stopped laughing since.
----------------------------------
$ REWARD $ REWARD $ REWARD $ REWARD $ REWARD REWARD $
LOST DOG
_ /|
`
'
( )
U
Three legs, Blind in his left eye,
Missing right ear, Tail broken,
Recently castrated
Answers to the name of Lucky
So God said, "Let there be light!" ...
Lucifer hasn't stopped laughing since.
----------------------------------
$ REWARD $ REWARD $ REWARD $ REWARD $ REWARD REWARD $
LOST DOG
_ /|
`
' ( )
U
Three legs, Blind in his left eye,
Missing right ear, Tail broken,
Recently castrated
Answers to the name of Lucky
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...
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