Joke

[marcos98]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

 

[marcos98]

A prosecutor is cross examining a witness, who is an old lady.
As a test and expecting a no, he asks her, "Do you know me?"
The little old lady looks up and says, "Why, yes I do, and you should be ashamed of yourself. You are a liar, a cheat, and committed adultery three times in your lifetime."
Sheepish, the lawyer continues, "Er... do you know the defense lawyer?"
She continues, "Why, yes I do, and he should be ashamed of himself. He is a liar, a cheat, and has committed adultery four times in his lifetime, twice with your wife."
The judge calls both attorneys forward and whispers, "I don't know who got this lady, but if either of you asks her if she knows me, I will hold you both in contempt."


edit: replaced on "formal"request

 

[Last Hope]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Ahum Ahum!
Hey marcos!
I suggest lets stay in limits, alrite?
I mean, we must be formal buddy! No offense!
We can have a lot of clean and much better humour, cant we?

 

[JonAsad]

Ahum Ahum!
Hey marcos!
I suggest lets stay in limits, alrite?
I mean, we must be formal buddy! No offense!
We can have a lot of clean and much better humour, cant we?

Hey kid you are way under the limit age wise, i suggest get out of this thread.
Damn marcos it was really funny joke

 

[krash]

In a small town their lived two brothers aged 8 and 10 with their single mother.

Both of them were well known in the whole town due to their notorious ways and because of this every mischief that happened in the town was blamed on them.

Once a Minister well known for his 'disciplining' talents came to the town church.

The mother of the kids saw this as an excellent opportunity to fix her kid's ways for ever.

So she went and talked to the minister who agreed to see the boys separately, one in the morning one and the other in the evening.

The next morning she sent the younger brother to the minister first.

The kid was seated on a chair in a completely empty, not very well lit room by a nun.

After the nun had left the Minister, a very tall, broad and intimidating man, entered the room.

He came close to the boy and in his heavy voice said "Where is God son?"

The kids jaw dropped with his eyes stark open and his breath now silent.

The minister exclaimed again "Where is God son!?!"

Not a single peep came out of the kid and he started trembling.....

This time the minister shouted " WHERE IS GOD!?!?!"

Th kid panicked, got up and ran out the door.

He ran all his way back to his house and hid in his closet.

His older brother, hearing him run in, came to him and asked " What happened?"

The kid replied " Dude we're in some serious sh*t this time!!!"

The brother said "Why what happened tell me???"

After catching his breath a little the kid replied " Dude God went missing and they think we did it!!!!"

 

[marcos98]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

 

[marcos98]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

NICK GRIFFIN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking Brit.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain
and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN
His was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the
"black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

 

[marcos98]

A pregnant lady is waiting in line at the bank, a bank robbery occures, and the bank robber shoots here 3 times in the belly. She goes to the hospitol to get operated. The doctors tell her that they cant find the bullets, and that shes about to give birth. So then she gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.

Fast forward 12 years, in the mothers home with her 3 kids. Shes in the kitchen making lunch when one of her daughters comes into the room and says, "mommy,mommy, i went to the bathroom and i peed a bullet!"

Mommy remembers what happend at the bank then tells her daughter the story.

Then the second daughter comes by and says, "mommy,mommy, i went to the bathroom and i peed a bullet!". So then the mother tells her the story too.

Lastly the son comes by and says, "mommy guess what.!"

The mother assumes, "let me guess you peed a bullet."

the son answers, "no,no I was watching Baywatch and i shot the dog!"

 

[COLDHEARTED AVIATOR]

I got this one on my mobile recently.

Pakisan cricketers who dont know english prepare their answers in advance for interviews after match.

Example:

Media:- Malik,its fantastic,ur wife Sania is pregnant.

Malik:-ya,all credit goes to my team.Everyone worked hard for it specially Afridi.It was a tight situation when he went in,his performmance was really fantastic with Razzak in the middle.Also the crowd gathered to watch his work,our coach also enjoyed it,they all worked hard day and night...

 

[hembo]

The Kamran Akmal Bashing Brigade

- Kamran Akmal is such a bad wicket keeper, he can't even catch a flu. Not even if he stood naked in sub zero temperatures in Siberia!

- In pin drop silence, guess who drops the pin? Kamran Akmal!

- Kamran Akmal is every robber's dream, because he will never be able to catch them.

- Why did Kamran Akmal have to walk back to the team hotel after the match? Because he failed to catch the bus!

- Maybe Kamran Akmal would have been a better wicket keeper if his hands were as big as his teeth.

- Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind Ross Taylor, there is Kamran Akmal.

- Why is Umar Akmal the best batsman in the Akmal family? Because he got the most chance to bat in the back yard as Kamran Akmal kept dropping him.

- What do Kamran Akmal and a funnel have in common? Both let things through easily.

- Its time to drop Kamran Akmal, just so he knows how the ball feels.

- If Kamran Akmal was a South American footballer, his mistakes would have cost him his life by now.

- It's Ross Taylor's birthday! Shoaib Akhtar delivered the cake, Abdul Razzaq the candles, and Kamran Akmal blew them.

- Kamran Akmal will make a very good footballer because he will never be required to use his hands to catch the ball.

- Why do parents trust their daughters with Kamran Akmal? Because they know he will always drop them home.

- Ever wondered how the third best wicket keeper in the Akmal family is the first choice wicket keeper in the country?

- If a movie were to be made starring Kamran Akmal, it title would be "The one who dropped the ball".

- What is the one thing that Kamran Akmal is really good at? Clapping! Because he's always eager to put his hands together before the ball reaches him.

- What is Kamran Akmal's favourite pick up line? "Can I drop you somewhere?"

- What do Kamran Akmal and Michael Jackson have in common? Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

 

[baker]

A man was making it out with the maid in the barn,
maid: Maalik Anand aa raha hai
man humps merrily,
maid again: maaaaalik aaaaanaand aa rahaaa hai
man gets more aggressive
maid: maaa.....liiik aaannnnaaa....nd aaaa rahaaa hai,
man goes wild,
.
.
.
.
.
Anand enters the barn: PAPA MAIN AA GAYA

 

[baker]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

 

[baker]

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend?s and none of them confirm that.


Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!


Conclusion of the story: Men are better friends!!!!

 

[baker]

Couple silent in bed.Wife thinks :Why is he not talking to me?Is he thinking of another woman?Does he like someone else? Is he seeing someone? Don't I appeal to him anymore? Are wrinkles showing on my face? Is he trying to dump me? Is he now finding me ugly? Have I put on weight at the wrong places? Is he upset with my nagging? WHY IS HE UPSET?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Husband thinks :WHY the hell did Dhoni give d last over to nehra

 

[Solomon2]

Predictions for a hundred years from today:

1) There will still be conflict in the Middle East.

2) Mexico will still be battling drug kingpins.

3) The U.S. and its allies will once again be preparing for war with the Russian Empire.

4) All will be quiet on the Baluch-Chinese border.