Is it advisable to agree to marry whom your parents, elders approve of but you're not interested in?

[Zibago]

Theak hy bai app kanwaray log behter jantay ho gay .... hum nay to ubi dekha he kya hy

Janab ham ney test sey pehly t20 khela hy thora bohat andaza hy baat rahi kanwarey ki to janab 2020 Nov-Dec tak ye bhi done ho jaye ga

 

[I.R.A]

Janab ham ney test sey pehly t20 khela hy thora bohat andaza hy baat rahi kanwarey ki to janab 2020 Nov-Dec tak ye bhi done ho jaye ga

Masair jinnay t20 khailnay ki adat par jay wo test match nai khail sktay

 

[Zibago]

Masair jinnay t20 khailnay ki adat par jay wo test match nai khail sktay

Haan dil to bohat karta hy roz nawi pitch laba baon mushkal ey har pitch akhni marey naal test match khedo :-(

Par t20 debut naal banda baon khokhla mehsos karna
Hala is astey mein is bandar ni shakal ali tey kharcha kita? 2 minute ich akhni bus bus ?

 

[Krptonite]

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

My marriage was arranged, rushed because her dad had cancer, personally speaking, look for qualities that you want and those that you cannot condone.

Love comes eventually, instead look for traits that would be beneficial as a partner , as in where you want to be in the next 10-20 years and what does the other person want and how well does it align with your own goals.

Initially look for common base values, upon which you can develop a friendship and then hopefully romance.

Think about how your partner will gell with the rest of the family, go for 'seerat' (character ) instead of 'surat'(beauty).

Sit down with the other person and start talking, try to picture your life with her. After all this, the decision is still yours to make mate.

Good luck and prayers for your mother.

 

[B.K.N]

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks

No one here can guide you whether you should marry or not only you know your circumstances or what you want or how your life would be after marriage after reading what you have written I think you are actually looking for a maid who would look after your mother and you are not interested in the girl which you've mentioned
her family for some reason wants her to marry you and marrying her equals to taking advantage of her majboris and it's immoral
my suggestion is not to marry because she is going to marry with you and not with your mother and it's not her duty to look after your mother it's your responsibility you should hire someone who would take care of your mother

 

[Pan-Islamic-Pakistan]

Do Istikhara. Only ALLAH knows best, not PDF.

Best answer.

Never marry someone out of necessity. Be sure you like the person you will marry. Looks are not everything, but she should please your eyes.

First of all, put deen as your number one priority and make sure that she is mature enough to deal with your problems and esp your ill mother.

 

[Trango Towers]

I think u arr marrying to provide a carer for your mother and that's unfair on your new wife. It's not her job. Help yes and maybe but your mom is not her responsibility.
Also u marry once and if you have no say then what's the point.

 

[Musalman]

If you are not interested do not marry him/ her.

 

[Khafee]

Best answer.

Never marry someone out of necessity. Be sure you like the person you will marry. Looks are not everything, but she should please your eyes.

First of all, put deen as your number one priority and make sure that she is mature enough to deal with your problems and esp your ill mother.

Very well said.

Gori ho, ya kali ho, Chai pilany wali ho

 

[Savak]

My parents especially my dad is like we would like the two of you to meet for lunch, dinner, coffee etc a couple of times and try and speak to each other, get a sense of each others hobbies, interests, purpose and goals in life and if the two of you are happy and comfortable only then will we agree to go forward
But lol the writing is on the wall, even though my dad is like there is no compulsion on you to say yes, I know for a fact that unless I have a very solid reason I cannot say no. So the facts are I am being pressurized into saying yes to a girl I am not attracted too.

 

[MastanKhan]

My mother's Parkinson's and neurological disorder has really accelerated at record speed in the last 2 years especially in the last 6 months.

She used to be a strong solid active independent woman all her life and now her world has completely turned upside down and now she is completely dependent on her kids, relatives and friends. Her day to day functioning, speech has been badly affected and it scares the daylights out of us imagining her having to climb stairs. We have miraculously got her to agree to a part time helper who comes 3 days a week for 2 hours but she clearly needs a lot lot more.

In the last 6 months I have seen her breakdown a good 30 times because of her condition and the fact she knows she isn't what she used to be. We have all tried our best to help her and make her comfortable as much as possible but there are times when even my dad gets very distressed by her emotional blackmailing.

My dad was looking forward to working for the next 5 years at his high profile job given that he has always been a workaholic all his life but he is now contemplating quitting and retiring much earlier than he anticipated and my biggest fear is that taking care of my mom full time is going to take a toll on him and I have observed many people go downhill rapidly after retirement.

So far my baby sister was keeping an eye on mom while me and dad went to work. But this week my baby sister got married and has moved to the next phase of her life. My biggest fear is that this is going to have a huge toll on my mom and my baby sister and mom were extremely close and her no longer being around is going to have an adverse impact.

I myself am not reassessing my professional direction and I now want to quit accounting and perhaps now try hard to get into a govt job so that I can have much friendly work hours and can be home at frequent time periods and be free on the weekends as well.

I am now 35 years old and the only unmarried child left now and am next in line. My moms condition has been clearly visible to all my extended relatives, grand mother, aunts. They have all told me along with my dad that if my age alone wasn't enough of a problem, my mother's condition is now going to be a big problem and now definitely no parent will give their daughter out of fear that their daughter is going to be burdened with taking care of her.

There is a family who are our extended relatives and they have constantly been lobbying with my grandmother, extended relatives behind the scenes for the last 6 years to get my parents to make a proposal for their daughter for me.

I never personally had any problem with the girl or her family. In fact the biggest plus point is that the girls parents are extremely wonderful shareef people who according to my parents, elders will actually love, respect me like a son and overlook my poor social skills, Aspergers Syndrome and are prepared to accept our union knowing my moms condition. My only issue with the girl is that she in the six years I have observed her in all family functions, never talks to anyone, stays aloof in a corner, I have never seen her smile, life and you dont get any impression or semblance of any personality

My aunt broke down today while lobbying and trying to convince me to accept the girl and the family and be considered to my parents especially my mom and her condition.

A few years ago I would have been like, hell with it, il wait patiently till the right person comes along irrespective of how old I get, but now the situation is completely different and I now would like to give my parents especially my mom comfort and peace of mind by settling down before her condition really deteriorates.

Have tried very hard to think about this and can still not come to a decision. The pros are definitely the girls parents, their shareef, loving nature, the cons are I have known the girl for six years and I am struggling to force myself to feel for her or look at her that way, will I be making the right decision in agreeing to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her because of her parents or is there a risk that I may be unhappy, bored, depressed being in a relationship devoid of love, chemistry, passion and what is a compromise, will it last? What if going forward when I am married with kids, I run into someone I really like and makes me feel alive again?

The feedback I have from my friends and others is mixed, equal mix of people saying "dude just get married for the sake of it, do it for the larger picture and do your best to make the most of it, make sacrifices, compromises". The other mix is saying "You will be making the biggest screw up of your life, the girls life and even family relationships by agreeing to this. One day your parents will not be here and you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life"

I have to make a decision on this in the next 1-2 weeks as the family pressure is really getting brutal and I don't think I can deal with my moms emotional blackmailing anymore. Would love to hear people share their opinions, experiences and anecdotes.

Hi,

If the girl is pleasing to your eye---nice to talk to---has good personality---is caring---has good family backing---what more you want---.

My handsome cousin would die for a woman like that now---after getting beat by his wife every day for years---the wife that he liked---was great to talk to---he wished he had married the shy girl that his family wanted to marry---.

Think about it this way---what if the woman that walked in your life years later---nice and aggressive---she later finds out someone else who is better than you---she leaves you for that someone---what then---?

Son---it is brutal to be left behind and rejected---.

 

[Hakikat ve Hikmet]

Marriage is a social contract and team effort!!! Impartially judge every pros and cons, and then go for a final decision in a democratic manner after thorough consultations!! Then show Sabr and Shukr and get ready for a relentless lifelong Mujadele...

 

[Savak]

So my parents conveyed the message via my grand mom to girls parents for permission for me and the girl to visit alone and to speak to each other a few times and if both agreed to proceed further, then my folks will make a formal offer.

I promised my parents that i would be extremely open minded and be completely sincere with my conduct and behavior and ofcourse treat the girl with respect as well. So the girls mom called my mom yesterday inviting us for a cup of tea and snacks at their place. My dad is travelling right now and my mother requested for permission to wait till he got back but they insisted and requested that we come.

So i personally took my mom today over to their place. I had a few butterflies in my stomach not knowing what to expect but eventually felt more relaxed and at ease as time went on. I am very introverted, shy and have Aspergers Syndrome, i choose to express my opinions and thoughts very carefully. But in my own family i definately come out of my shell for sure, once someone speaks to me and asks me questions then i really start talking and expressing my thoughts more freely.

So the parents invited me and mom in the living room where we started chit chatting, half an hour later, they called their kids down i.e. 2 sons and the daughter (i.e. the girl in question). Unfortunately inspite of my best efforts to be very open minded, my impressions of her in the last 6 years did not change. Her body language was off a person who didn't want to be there, who was scared and forced to be there. She like i have always observed stays quite, in the corner and only says something very briefly when asked a question. She works in a bank. But overall the girl is just too shy, quite, reserved for my liking.

Like i said i am introverted too, but i had no issues talking about Pakistani politics, Pakistani resteraunts, Cricket, Canada, USA with her folks and her brother. The girl on the other hand remained completely quite and scared to talk, speak and she has always been like this.

I like her parents, very shareef, straight forward and unambitious people. The girls mother is way more talkative in contrast to her and lol, she perhaps talks the most compared to everyone else in the family.

I once again explained my reservations to mom who went like "Achi shareef gharoan kee larkiyan jo hain itne araam se nahin khultin". "She was understandably nervous and felt she was being assessed". My grandmother laid into me and criticized me for not taking the initiative for talking to her, asking her questions and i countered "What the hell do you want me to do, i was speaking to her parents, brother, we were participating in a group discussion, what can i do if she sits there like a robot, if she does not participate or give her own opinion, thoughts on anything". Then my grandmother showed her true feelings by talking about my mothers declining health and the fact that this girl and family is the only one who will accept your family right now.

My dad overall is very perplexed by the fact that the girls parents invited us over to their place like this knowing full well he wasn't in town and even more perplexed that the parents and everyone did not create any opportunity for the two of us to speak privately.

Anyways i have told my reservations once again about the girl to my parents, grand mother, baby sister but overall no one gives a ****, they all basically are treating me like a loser and are using emotional black mailing tactics i.e. my mom's illness into forcing me to go through with it.

 

[padamchen]

Definitely yes.

I don't even know what to make of the "not interested in" part ....

Cheers, Doc

 

[ZAC1]

u should accept the proposal...its good for u... if that girl can take care of ur mother... she will always take care of u n ur childern
u should have ur parents blessing... n happiness...
u will fell in love with that girl...
Experience