Here are some COOL one liners...

[fatman17]

Here are some COOL one liners...





1. I say no to alcohol, It just doesn't listen.



2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.



3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.



4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.



5. When everything comes in your way, You're in the wrong lane.



6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..



7. Born free, Taxed to death.



8. Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film..



9. Life is unsure; Always eat your dessert first.



10. Smile, It makes people wonder what you are thinking.



11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.



12. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere.



13. I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.



14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.



15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.



16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.



17. In a country of free speech, Why are there phone bills?



18. If you cannot change your mind, Are you sure you have one?



19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, Leave work at noon!



20. If you can't convince them, Confuse them.



21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.



22. I couldn't repair your brakes, So, I made your horn louder!



23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.



24. The cigarette does the smoking, You are just the sucker.



25. Someday is not a day of the week.



26. Whenever I find the key to success, Someone changes the lock.



27. To Err is human, To forgive is not a company policy.



28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.



29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, But, if you think again, neither does milk.



30. In order to get a loan, You first need to prove that you don't need it.





And my favourite ...





31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

 

[Beskar]

Great stuff!

# 10 and 16, happens to me a lot.

 

[white_pawn]

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.


When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.


I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.


C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.


I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.


I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.


Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.


I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.


Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!


I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.


I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.


I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.


I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.


My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend


My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit


My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.


Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.


This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.


I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.


Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.


I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.


Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".


With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.


My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.


I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.


My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!


My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.


I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.


I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.


My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.


I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."


I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."


I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.


My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.


I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.


My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.


I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.


What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.


One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!


With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.


I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.


My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

 

[fatman17]

^^Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield!

 

[white_pawn]

Yup its is

 

[Xeric]

Enjoy!

http://www.defence.pk/forums/272845-post1.html

 

[Rafael]

If you like me, raise your hand...if u dont, raise your standards !!

 

[Salik]

.
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Your brain is a masterpiece,divided into two parts, left and right. In the left nothing is right and in the right nothing is left.

 

[Wingman]

Excellent..

 

[kashmirmine]

they are average yeaar