Friday Humour (Not for the easily offended!)

[Wingman]

A criminal broke into a house tied Husband and Wife Kissed wife's ear and went into Bathroom.

Husband: Satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong and I LOVE YOU.

Wife: He did not kiss me. He whispered in my ear that he is Gay, needs Vaseline. I told him its in Bathroom. So Satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong and I LOVE YOU.

 

[mr_cool]

Gonna post something that is not at all about sx..just funny

Wife 1.0 Software
0 COMPLAIN LETTER:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Thanks bro. That was quite similiar to the one i posted...i prefer my version of it though

 

[U-571]

i think its not appropriate to talk about sex so openly

 

[mr_cool]

i think its not appropriate to talk about sex so openly

Apologies mate. It is meant to be all in jest though.
I understand there may be the odd person who may find it offensive hence why i included the following in the title of the post:
Not for the easily offended!

 

[mr_cool]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here !!!!

 

[mr_cool]

Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading....

...
...
...
...
...
...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

 

[U-571]

Apologies mate. It is meant to be all in jest though.
I understand there may be the odd person who may find it offensive hence why i included the following in the title of the post:
Not for the easily offended!

i find some posts not appropriate, because it mentions the sex detail, its not good.

 

[sonicboom]

.
VIRUS Girls:

Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything..

 

[SU-57E]

@ mr. coll
good one..

 

[Gin ka Pakistan]

A person was walking on the side way, he heard a voice telling him to stop, so he did and a piano felled in fort of him, the man said I would have been crunch under the piano but who warned me, as no one is around.
Next day he was crossing the street and same voice came and telling him to stop, he did and a fast cab crossed him, he looked up and saw a heavenly thing,
He said who are you the heavenly thing replied I am your guardian angel. Oh guardian angel are you are supposed to warm me if I am in danger and the guardian angel said yes, The guy jump up and grab the guardian angel by the neck and said tell me were where you when I was getting married.

 

[MastanKhan]

i find some posts not appropriate, because it mentions the sex detail, its not good.

Hi,

You can close your eyes and walk away---no need to stare

 

[mr_cool]

i find some posts not appropriate, because it mentions the sex detail, its not good.

As i said before mate...I understand afew people may get easily offended by some of the jokes, which is why i wrote the short warning within the title of the post!
Anyway, once again i apologise if you found any posts offensive as that was not my intention.
But with all due respect, you should ignore this thread if you find any aspect of it offensive.

Thanks for understanding.
Zaf

 

[beckham]

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road onenight when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners whathad happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to thecar with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes allripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Bill."Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar andhis 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.""My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.The driver replies, "Im Bill Clintons driver, and I just killed the pig."

 

[beckham]

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

 

[StingRoy]

Couple of Santa Banta jokes for the weekend:

"I`m scared," Banta said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he`d break my legs if I didn`t stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you`ll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" the friend asks.
"It`s not that," declared Banta. "He didn`t sign his name!"



After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Banta and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor`s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, Banta held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Preeto began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, Preeto sat there - speechless. He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to Banta, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
Banta scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays."