Do you blame people for hiding mental and physical ailments in Arranged Marriages?

[Savak]

I am not trolling here but this is kind of a hard one for me to wrap my head around where i have a black and white approach where i say yes they should but then realist in me also tells me that things are not always that simple on this planet. I will give a couple of very different examples to prove my case

1) My mamu has always suffered from clinical depression his entire life. I do know for a fact that this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before and it was after the night of the valima where my khala told his wife that she had to make sure that my mamu took Xanax, Prozac daily because he suffers from clinical depression.

Now on the other hand, his wife did not disclose to my nana's family about her being psychotic, szhiprohenic where she hallucinates, sees, imagines things in her mind. While my mamu was a professional failure and did not really have much ambition in life, she used to beat him with a shoe and insult humiliate him everyday. But yes her main gripe was that her entire life was ruined because of being married to a loser like him and the fact that his clinical depression was not disclosed to her

2) My Chacha was a diabetic, but this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before the marriage and the truth came to light afterwards. Now this Chacha of mine is very successful and is a millionare and lives in a really huge mansion and has 2 wonderful kids and a really wonderful, loving caring wife who even though is not out of the world good looking but is such a dream role model spouse in the sense that she really looks after her husband, everyone in the family keeps saying he really won the lottery.

Unfortunately his inlaws still to this day hold a really powerful grudge against our side of the family and they still have not forgiven my daadi and the rest of the family for keeping his diabetes a secret

3) My sister was today telling me about one of her closest friends from University who was a really bright student and cleared all medical exams in one go and had a really easy time academically in comparison to others and is now a practicing doctor doing a house job in one of the most prestigious hospitals in Pakistan. However unfortunately this girl suffers from severe clinical depression, she fell in love with a guy in her batch and she did not hide this information from him and he had no problems with this and readily accepted her

They both got married. My sister was telling me that the girl was not getting along with her in laws due to which the guy moved out of his home with his wife and they both moved into an apartment instead. However her clinical depression has really now gotten worse and now it appears that the guy himself is extremely worn down dealing with her low mood swings and it now appears their marriage is on the rocks.

4) A friend of mine in Canada got married to a Pakistani girl in Canada via arranged marriage, it turned out later on that the girl had a severe kidney problem for which she required frequent treatment and this was not disclosed to the guy and his family by the parents. While the guy was supportive and okay with it, his parents were extremely infuriated by this act by the girl and her parents and literally kicked the girl out of the house and the couple ended up getting divorced.

5) I myself have Aspergers Syndrome and have very poor social skills and am deeply introverted. Lol my elders just right now couldn't stop raving about my sisters fiance who came to meet us for dinner today about how they were breath taken by the guys amazing social skills where he could act like a kid in front of kids, like a teenager with teenagers and as an adult with adults and how he had the ability to keep conversations going.

When i compare myself to that guy, i obviously do not feel good because i tend to go into a silent shell when there are microscopic lenses on me and i know deep down a guy with amazing confidence will sell much more easily in comparison to someone who is shy, introverted and that most parents will not like a guy with zero confidence.

Anyways, ethically speaking i know i have to disclose my Aspergers Syndrome problem to a potential future partner and that i cannot in good conscious bury it under the carpet

The purpose of this thread is to ask the following

- Are couples justified in keeping their mental problems a secret before marriage?

- Does suffering from problems like Clinical Depression mean that the person should not get married at all?

I am interested in hearing a consensus on this one

 

[SoulSpokesman]

@Savak

No. If any person has a mental or physical condition it should be disclosed to the potential suitor, if not his/her family as well. If the suitor is willing to live with that cos he/she is in love with that person, so be it.

Regards

 

[war&peace]

Having diseases and disabilities is no crime and it is human to have some. Just let him or her know before marriage.

Wrong section, you should have posted in "whatever" or "members club" section
@waz can you please move it to the right section.

 

[Fawadqasim1]

Are couples justified in keeping their mental problems a secret before marriage?

Ans A big NO (the relationship is based on lie or lies)

Does suffering from problems like Clinical Depression mean that the person should not get married at all?

We are living in a wide variety of people i think it won't be very hard to find a partner who can understand and accept. So absolutey not

 

[Rashid Mahmood]

Hiding ailments of any king is basically lying to the other party.
How can any relation based on a lie flourish. It is bound to fail, so it will.

So Yes, the party which hides any information from the other party before marriage is at fault.

 

[Shankranthi]

A Person should not be too honest; Straight Trees are cut first. - Chanakya

Life is not built around ugly truths, but beautiful Lies.

OTOH ..... you sound like a loser who still live with his parents and are neither Financially independent nor emotionally Stable. So you are definitely not ready to be married yet. Dragging a women into your life will only multiply your misery, not multiply your happiness.

You know why ? because you are a miserable person and its best if misery is left alone, not forced onto another life.

 

[Dubious]

I am not trolling here but this is kind of a hard one for me to wrap my head around where i have a black and white approach where i say yes they should but then realist in me also tells me that things are not always that simple on this planet. I will give a couple of very different examples to prove my case

1) My mamu has always suffered from clinical depression his entire life. I do know for a fact that this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before and it was after the night of the valima where my khala told his wife that she had to make sure that my mamu took Xanax, Prozac daily because he suffers from clinical depression.

Now on the other hand, his wife did not disclose to my nana's family about her being psychotic, szhiprohenic where she hallucinates, sees, imagines things in her mind. While my mamu was a professional failure and did not really have much ambition in life, she used to beat him with a shoe and insult humiliate him everyday. But yes her main gripe was that her entire life was ruined because of being married to a loser like him and the fact that his clinical depression was not disclosed to her

2) My Chacha was a diabetic, but this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before the marriage and the truth came to light afterwards. Now this Chacha of mine is very successful and is a millionare and lives in a really huge mansion and has 2 wonderful kids and a really wonderful, loving caring wife who even though is not out of the world good looking but is such a dream role model spouse in the sense that she really looks after her husband, everyone in the family keeps saying he really won the lottery.

Unfortunately his inlaws still to this day hold a really powerful grudge against our side of the family and they still have not forgiven my daadi and the rest of the family for keeping his diabetes a secret

3) My sister was today telling me about one of her closest friends from University who was a really bright student and cleared all medical exams in one go and had a really easy time academically in comparison to others and is now a practicing doctor doing a house job in one of the most prestigious hospitals in Pakistan. However unfortunately this girl suffers from severe clinical depression, she fell in love with a guy in her batch and she did not hide this information from him and he had no problems with this and readily accepted her

They both got married. My sister was telling me that the girl was not getting along with her in laws due to which the guy moved out of his home with his wife and they both moved into an apartment instead. However her clinical depression has really now gotten worse and now it appears that the guy himself is extremely worn down dealing with her low mood swings and it now appears their marriage is on the rocks.

4) A friend of mine in Canada got married to a Pakistani girl in Canada via arranged marriage, it turned out later on that the girl had a severe kidney problem for which she required frequent treatment and this was not disclosed to the guy and his family by the parents. While the guy was supportive and okay with it, his parents were extremely infuriated by this act by the girl and her parents and literally kicked the girl out of the house and the couple ended up getting divorced.

5) I myself have Aspergers Syndrome and have very poor social skills and am deeply introverted. Lol my elders just right now couldn't stop raving about my sisters fiance who came to meet us for dinner today about how they were breath taken by the guys amazing social skills where he could act like a kid in front of kids, like a teenager with teenagers and as an adult with adults and how he had the ability to keep conversations going.

When i compare myself to that guy, i obviously do not feel good because i tend to go into a silent shell when there are microscopic lenses on me and i know deep down a guy with amazing confidence will sell much more easily in comparison to someone who is shy, introverted and that most parents will not like a guy with zero confidence.

Anyways, ethically speaking i know i have to disclose my Aspergers Syndrome problem to a potential future partner and that i cannot in good conscious bury it under the carpet

The purpose of this thread is to ask the following

- Are couples justified in keeping their mental problems a secret before marriage?

- Does suffering from problems like Clinical Depression mean that the person should not get married at all?

I am interested in hearing a consensus on this one

I agree with you....

I feel honesty should be out there but reality is different the min you are honest the smile runs out of the "soon to be in-laws" no matter how mental their own child is...they wont accept the same for a bahu/ damaat....It is the sad reality of our cultural narrowness!

I know cases where the daughter is at home due to her height or physical looks (physic) or mental disorders (depression or bipolar disorder) or even social disorders (ADHD)...I am not so sure how accepting society is for a male to have such disorders.

The only truth you can find is being truthful and if you are not accepted do 2 rakaat shuker...coz if they dont accept you now they prob never would and would create a mess had you hidden it!

If they are to accept you (if it is meant to be) no matter what disorder you have, they will accept it....

 

[El Sidd]

Idealism is destroying the social fabric of societies fueled by illogical concepts of love intermixed with materialism.

Soceity as a whole should redefine the concept of holy matrimony.

 

[Pak-Canuck]

A BIG NO, everything should be disclosed. It is very unfortunate that a lot of people are close minded to mental/physical health problems because a lot of these problems can be treated and minimized over time. But the bottom line is that if you hide something and your partner of his/her family finds out about it later there will be a huge underlying resentment forever because of that deception, even if they are stubborn or being arrogant and close minded about it, they have the right to know.

 

[my2cents]

A BIG NO, everything should be disclosed. It is very unfortunate that a lot of people are close minded to mental/physical health problems because a lot of these problems can be treated and minimized over time. But the bottom line is that if you hide something and your partner of his/her family finds out about it later there will be a huge underlying resentment forever because of that deception, even if they are stubborn or being arrogant and close minded about it, they have the right to know.

If your mental/physical abnormality if it is manageable, treatable then say so to your potential partner.

But in case of your chacha's ailment if it is borderline psychotic, then better off not marrying. It is irreversible and gets progressively worse as you age.

I don't know about much about asperger syndrome to comment on your ailment.

 

[KhalaiMakhlooq]

Some advice @Savak

You are suffering from a mental health condition, but only you truly know the reasons inside, because only you can know you, even if it doesn't 'feel' like it. From your other posts it seems like you are going through some very tough times. May the Lord Almighty bless you. Amen. If you feel suicidal at any time whatsoever. Dial the emergency services and seek immediate help. Things can change in blink of an eye, so what is your condition today will not be your condition tomorrow.

I have spoken to many people with issues before. Everyone is a slightly weird to a certain degree. A few people say after deep investigation, that the underlying cause of their mental health problem (to them) is heart-death. Did you get unwell after a period in life where you fell in love and suffered some sort of altered internal state, and then start feeling weird? Have you associated this with your crush?

 

[Pakistansdefender]

Everyone in Pakistan suffers from some sort of depression..
Sadly yes. And taking a pill for it such as lexotainal or prozac is like nothing.
Most people take them to cope with daily hardships. Where as people in Pakistan make it some kind of a taboo.
These pills help a lot. They are of no harm..
Indeed if they are more given to the people we would have a little more sanity.

It's like our society made up people expectations a lot. People should make sure that they tell their kids that this guy we are marrying you with, earns this much. Besides he lives with the joint family so also shares money with them.
And what's left you have to live with.
You probably won't have honey moon on Europe probably not even muree.
You have to do work etc....
But people have lot of expectations.
So these problem arrives.
In Pakistan most people suffer from depression.
But other diseases should be shared, and person should marry one who has suffered or has seen some other pain, so they can help each other out. Rather the pitying their partner or pitying themselves.
As for aspergers, yes that idea is still very new and no one would understand that.
No one would agree they have mental illness, no one would accept they have depression. We are not evolved yet to reach that point.

 

[Clearly]

I believe everything which will affect the second party directly, needs to be disclosed plain an simple. But I also get why someone going for an arrange wouldn’t disclose it because at the end of the day you don’t know that person and its a compromise from both sides, on top of that if you add the cherry of a certain mental health which other wise wont be so obvious, rejection becomes inevitable.

My question to you is are you scared of going out at all? Do you have a job and ability to leave home and carry out normal tasks? Pardon my ignorance about the asp syndrome. I am asking just because I know plenty of people who are not social social but they are still good spouses. Guy have the pressure of being the entertainers whenever guests come over, but don’t let your shortcomings takeover your whole individuality as a person. With mental health, most are undiagnosed, unless it is so bad that your spouse will be rendered speechless, do not make it a big deal before marriage.