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The Plump Patriotic Pakistani Awards
Nadeem F. Paracha
Welcome people to the ceremony of the first Plump Patriotic Pakistani Awards (PPPA, also called the Papas).
Today, we hand out this new award to all those patriots who have continued to make sure that Pakistan remains to be hailed as the greatest bastion of faith, feistiness and froth.
I, Zion Warhead Hamid, am proud to host the first installment of these awards that would turn sissy, imperialist events like the Oscars into Zionist dust!
So, good looking patriotic ladies who only nod to what I say and kung-fu black belt gentlemen who rightly believe Bruce Lee was mysteriously murdered because he had decided to convert to Islam, lets begin this glorious ceremony. Please stand up for the national anthem!
Pakistan national anthem (in Arabic)
Alhamdulillah! We finally have an anthem in our own language. Okay, now please welcome my co-host for the evening, Mr. Wali Razzmatazz
Hello Wali.
Blughhhh!!
Oh, my. What did you have for breakfast?
Zionist cornflakes!
Ah, it figures. You should have had the Yemeni pancakes that I gave you, fool.
Sorry, guru. I was tricked into eating those disgusting things. I think the Illuminati are trying to poison me. But I washed them down with Coke.
You washed down the Illuminati?
No, the cornflakes.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Coke is also owned by Zionists!
Blughhh!
Oh, my. Wali you must take some medicine.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Wali, medicine brands are owned by Zionists!
Yes. True. Thats why we need to revive Islamic Science. In fact, our first Papa is for the category of Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Scientist. And the nominees are: Dr. Aamir Attack, Dr. Nakir Zaik, Dr. Aagha Waterkit Hasselhoff and the great Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite! Wali, can you please do the honours
Sure. And the winner is, Dr. Blugghh!!!
Really? But his name is not on the list
No, I mean, Doctor blugghhh!!
For heavens sake, comrade. Throwing up in front of liberal fascists makes sense. Not here. Take a hold of yourself.
Okay. Can I have some popcorn?
Only the halal ones.
Of course, guru. Id rather stick my head in a microwave oven than eat non-halal popcorn!
(Someone from the audience): Hey! What if the microwave is made by Zionists too?
Blughhhh!!
Please brother audience. Comrade Wali is a very sensitive man. Zionist bankers are trying to rob him, Hindu baniyas are trying to steal from him, western imperialist multinationals are trying to corrupt him and the Illuminati are trying to give him a haircut
(Someone from the audience): But he has no hair!
Thats beside the point you Indian agent! Wali, please announce the winner of the best modern Pakistani traditional Islamic scientist.
Okay. And the winner is, Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite!
Applause (in Arabic)
Wonderful! Dr. Maurice kindly come forth and take your Papa.
Thank you, thank you. This is such an honor. I want to thank Shaikh Bin Saudi Al-Abarbia for
Is he also a scientist?
No, hes my financier.
A financier-scientist then.
No, Im the scientist. Hes the financier.
You mean youre the Islamic scientist and hes the Islamic financier?
Yes, even though Im Christian.
but the financier is Muslim?
Yes, actually Islamic.
Islamic-Muslim.
Precisely.
Mashallah.
Yes. So, thank you to the Islamic-Muslim world for appreciating my book Islamic Nuclear Physics & the Miracle of the Saudi Petro-Dollar
Youre a PhD in physics?
No, Im a general physician.
An Islamic-Muslim-physicist-physician?
No an Islamic-Muslim-physician-physician-whos-a-Christian.
An Islamic-Muslim-Christian.
Yes, the pay is good.
And Islamic.
Yes, and
STOP!
Dr. Aamir Attack. Please take your seat.
No, you @@#$%^&%$#!! I should have won this award! Hes not even a Pakistani!
But hes done great deeds for the Muslim ummah.
Islamic-Muslim-ummah, mind you.
Yes, Islamic-Muslim-ummah.
But I have also done great deeds for Islamic science!
We recognise that, brother-doctor Aamir, but
No! How is his book better than my Islamic scientific work that proved that the Pakistan cricket team keeps losing matches because they have green coloured soles underneath their cricket shoes?
It was brilliant work indeed, brother doctor. But some Muslims as opposed to Islamic-Muslims ran a propaganda campaign against you suggesting you are uncouth, abusive and mad!
Alhamdulillah!
I know. Thus, I have decided to give you the award now. Congratulations!
You have?
Yes. Its yours, brother doctor.
STOP!
Brother Dr. Nakir Zaik, please sit down.
The award should go to me! Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, as it is clearly stated in chapter 4, line 2, of paragraph 14 in Lord of the Rings book 3 and scene 77 of The Arrivals
Comrade cutie, I mean, comrade Wali, please announce the nominees for the next category.
But hes quoting from The Arrivals. It is brilliant films like these that have made men like you and so intelligent, guru.
Actually youre right. Thus, Dr. Nakir
Yes, brother and sister, sister and brother.
The award is yours.
Jazzakallah, brother and sister, sister and brother, as is stated in chapter 11, page 14, paragraph 9, line 3 after the 200th full-stop and 277th semi-colon of The Dangers of Shaving
Blughhh!
Its okay, comrade Wali. Shaving is okay if done with a halal razor.
Phew.
And now for some entertainment we will present a skit. Its written by one of the finest political satirists of our generation, Dr. Yunus Bhaand. And here he is presenting a biting political satire on Meera.
(Someone from the audience): Wow. How bold of him.
It is, isnt it? Poking fun at such malicious sacred cows and dangerous elements like Meera.
Okay, then. That was funny and biting and very politically satirical. Please Wali, can you now announce the next category. Pansy.
The next category is for the Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Historian. And the nominees are: (1) Scholar and former Head Chef of the I As I, General Gul Bull for his book Bin Qasim: The First Pious Benevolent Ruler-General of the Pakistan Army; (2) Brilliant Islamic-physicist and part-time nuclear businessman, Dr. Kadeem Khan, for his book Confessions of a Nuclear Hit Man; (3) Dr. Oreo Maqbool Jan-e-Janam for his book Malicious Mughal King Akbar - The Shenanigans of the first Muslim Liberal Fascist;; and (4) Doctor, Surgeon, Historian, Military Expert, Revolutionary, Supreme Commander of the coming Ghanzwa and all-round hunk, Zion Warhead Hamid for his brilliant, insightful, stimulating, intoxicating, breathtaking, war-making lectures on how to decode the Zionist, Hindu, Western geo-political hold of Vimeo by uploading old grainy videos of Dr. Warhead exhibiting his judo skills. And the winner is
Me!
Of course, guru. And we have invited another athletic patriotic hunk and political analyst, Sangsar Abbasi, to give you this award!
Really? Sob, sob, weep, weep, sniff, sniff Im so happy.
Pious ladies and manly men, please welcome, Mr. Sangsar Abbasi!
Thank you. By the way, is there anyone in the audience still viewing YouTube?
Astaghfarullah! God forbid!
Good. What about liberal fascists?
Bluggghh!! Please, stop it.
Hmm. Any Muslims who arent Islamic-Muslims?
Of course not! Please finish your speech, already. I want my award.
Why wasnt anyone from the Lawyers community invited to the ceremony?
(Someone in the audience): Theyre busy showering rose petals on killers?
Mr. Warhead, I thought there werent any liberal fascists in the audience.
Oh, they must just be some Blackwater guys or Indian infiltrators. Well lynch them after the show. Please finish your speech.
Okay. Here it is. Half a kilo carrots; 1 kilo green chilies; 2 boxes of hair dye; 7 hey. This is the grocery list my boss at Peo TV gave me. Wheres my speech?
You get groceries for your boss?
Yes. So what?
Nothing.
You lucky bugger. All I do is get Dr. Warheads groceries and
Is that a problem?
Of course not, guru.
Did you dry-clean my lal topee?
Yes, guru.
Who took my speech?
I want my award. Now!
The awards mine!
General Bull, kindly sit down. Ive won the award, fair and square.
Wheres the damn speech?
The awards mine, you joker. I fought in the Afghan War. I toppled the Soviet Union. I planned the Kashmir jihad. I killed Darth Vader.
Please General Gul Bull, I also fought in the Afghan War, toppled the Soviet Union, planned the Kashmir jihad and killed Darth Vader. Whats more, I was trained by al-Yoda and am about to invade Bharat
(Someone from the audience): Yes, on Facebook!
Shut up, traitor!
Where the hells my speech?
Give me the award, give me the award !
Bluugghh!
ENOUGH!
Dr. Kadeem.
Yes!
The awards mine, Dr. Kadeem.
See, this is why the ungodly secular pro-drone liberal fascist scum are winning in Pakistan!
They are? I thought there were just 16 of them.
Sixteen are bad enough, fool. Look how just one of them defaced the honor of our beloved Pakistan by winning that imperialist statuette, Oscar, for a demeaning documentary on acid attacks on women.
True. It was all fake.
Yes, just like that Swat flogging video!
Yes. These 16 are winning because we patriotic Islamic-Muslims saviors of Islamic Republic and the ummah and the atom bum are fighting among ourselves on petty issues.
But, but, but Papa is a major award and it will help me get more and more likes on Facebook and further advance my march on Red Fort in New Delhi.
Commotion in the audience
Whats happening?
Guru, Maya Khurant just raided the hall!
I Maya. You immoral. This is an outrage! All the men and women in this hall are unmarried! Theyre all dating. Its against our cultural and religious customs. I am here to capture there immoral acts on camera.
Nice dress, Maya.
Thank you. Its designer stuff.
(Someone in the audience): Are you married to your cameraman?
No!
Then why are you roaming around with him?
Get him! I want shots of him and his girlfriend.
Thats my mom, fool!
Prove it!
Thats not designer stuff youre wearing.
It is!
Prove it!
Where the hells my Speech? Dr. Kadeem, please do something.
ENOUGH! Weve got such great patriots here. How will we be able to wipe-out liberal scum and Indian, American, British, Ahmadi agents, Shezan drinkers and Non-Islamic-Muslims if we continue fighting among ourselves over a small award?
You are right, Dr. Kadeem. We are sorry.
Thats true. Blughhh!
Maya, Dr. Aamir, General Bull and all the other nominees, please come up here and lets share the award together.
Guru.
What?
Theyre all here. But wheres Dr. Kadeem?
He was just right here Hey! Wheres the award?
Nadeem F. Paracha
Welcome people to the ceremony of the first Plump Patriotic Pakistani Awards (PPPA, also called the Papas).
Today, we hand out this new award to all those patriots who have continued to make sure that Pakistan remains to be hailed as the greatest bastion of faith, feistiness and froth.
I, Zion Warhead Hamid, am proud to host the first installment of these awards that would turn sissy, imperialist events like the Oscars into Zionist dust!
So, good looking patriotic ladies who only nod to what I say and kung-fu black belt gentlemen who rightly believe Bruce Lee was mysteriously murdered because he had decided to convert to Islam, lets begin this glorious ceremony. Please stand up for the national anthem!
Pakistan national anthem (in Arabic)
Alhamdulillah! We finally have an anthem in our own language. Okay, now please welcome my co-host for the evening, Mr. Wali Razzmatazz
Hello Wali.
Blughhhh!!
Oh, my. What did you have for breakfast?
Zionist cornflakes!
Ah, it figures. You should have had the Yemeni pancakes that I gave you, fool.
Sorry, guru. I was tricked into eating those disgusting things. I think the Illuminati are trying to poison me. But I washed them down with Coke.
You washed down the Illuminati?
No, the cornflakes.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Coke is also owned by Zionists!
Blughhh!
Oh, my. Wali you must take some medicine.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Wali, medicine brands are owned by Zionists!
Yes. True. Thats why we need to revive Islamic Science. In fact, our first Papa is for the category of Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Scientist. And the nominees are: Dr. Aamir Attack, Dr. Nakir Zaik, Dr. Aagha Waterkit Hasselhoff and the great Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite! Wali, can you please do the honours
Sure. And the winner is, Dr. Blugghh!!!
Really? But his name is not on the list
No, I mean, Doctor blugghhh!!
For heavens sake, comrade. Throwing up in front of liberal fascists makes sense. Not here. Take a hold of yourself.
Okay. Can I have some popcorn?
Only the halal ones.
Of course, guru. Id rather stick my head in a microwave oven than eat non-halal popcorn!
(Someone from the audience): Hey! What if the microwave is made by Zionists too?
Blughhhh!!
Please brother audience. Comrade Wali is a very sensitive man. Zionist bankers are trying to rob him, Hindu baniyas are trying to steal from him, western imperialist multinationals are trying to corrupt him and the Illuminati are trying to give him a haircut
(Someone from the audience): But he has no hair!
Thats beside the point you Indian agent! Wali, please announce the winner of the best modern Pakistani traditional Islamic scientist.
Okay. And the winner is, Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite!
Applause (in Arabic)
Wonderful! Dr. Maurice kindly come forth and take your Papa.
Thank you, thank you. This is such an honor. I want to thank Shaikh Bin Saudi Al-Abarbia for
Is he also a scientist?
No, hes my financier.
A financier-scientist then.
No, Im the scientist. Hes the financier.
You mean youre the Islamic scientist and hes the Islamic financier?
Yes, even though Im Christian.
but the financier is Muslim?
Yes, actually Islamic.
Islamic-Muslim.
Precisely.
Mashallah.
Yes. So, thank you to the Islamic-Muslim world for appreciating my book Islamic Nuclear Physics & the Miracle of the Saudi Petro-Dollar
Youre a PhD in physics?
No, Im a general physician.
An Islamic-Muslim-physicist-physician?
No an Islamic-Muslim-physician-physician-whos-a-Christian.
An Islamic-Muslim-Christian.
Yes, the pay is good.
And Islamic.
Yes, and
STOP!
Dr. Aamir Attack. Please take your seat.
No, you @@#$%^&%$#!! I should have won this award! Hes not even a Pakistani!
But hes done great deeds for the Muslim ummah.
Islamic-Muslim-ummah, mind you.
Yes, Islamic-Muslim-ummah.
But I have also done great deeds for Islamic science!
We recognise that, brother-doctor Aamir, but
No! How is his book better than my Islamic scientific work that proved that the Pakistan cricket team keeps losing matches because they have green coloured soles underneath their cricket shoes?
It was brilliant work indeed, brother doctor. But some Muslims as opposed to Islamic-Muslims ran a propaganda campaign against you suggesting you are uncouth, abusive and mad!
Alhamdulillah!
I know. Thus, I have decided to give you the award now. Congratulations!
You have?
Yes. Its yours, brother doctor.
STOP!
Brother Dr. Nakir Zaik, please sit down.
The award should go to me! Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, as it is clearly stated in chapter 4, line 2, of paragraph 14 in Lord of the Rings book 3 and scene 77 of The Arrivals
Comrade cutie, I mean, comrade Wali, please announce the nominees for the next category.
But hes quoting from The Arrivals. It is brilliant films like these that have made men like you and so intelligent, guru.
Actually youre right. Thus, Dr. Nakir
Yes, brother and sister, sister and brother.
The award is yours.
Jazzakallah, brother and sister, sister and brother, as is stated in chapter 11, page 14, paragraph 9, line 3 after the 200th full-stop and 277th semi-colon of The Dangers of Shaving
Blughhh!
Its okay, comrade Wali. Shaving is okay if done with a halal razor.
Phew.
And now for some entertainment we will present a skit. Its written by one of the finest political satirists of our generation, Dr. Yunus Bhaand. And here he is presenting a biting political satire on Meera.
(Someone from the audience): Wow. How bold of him.
It is, isnt it? Poking fun at such malicious sacred cows and dangerous elements like Meera.
Okay, then. That was funny and biting and very politically satirical. Please Wali, can you now announce the next category. Pansy.
The next category is for the Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Historian. And the nominees are: (1) Scholar and former Head Chef of the I As I, General Gul Bull for his book Bin Qasim: The First Pious Benevolent Ruler-General of the Pakistan Army; (2) Brilliant Islamic-physicist and part-time nuclear businessman, Dr. Kadeem Khan, for his book Confessions of a Nuclear Hit Man; (3) Dr. Oreo Maqbool Jan-e-Janam for his book Malicious Mughal King Akbar - The Shenanigans of the first Muslim Liberal Fascist;; and (4) Doctor, Surgeon, Historian, Military Expert, Revolutionary, Supreme Commander of the coming Ghanzwa and all-round hunk, Zion Warhead Hamid for his brilliant, insightful, stimulating, intoxicating, breathtaking, war-making lectures on how to decode the Zionist, Hindu, Western geo-political hold of Vimeo by uploading old grainy videos of Dr. Warhead exhibiting his judo skills. And the winner is
Me!
Of course, guru. And we have invited another athletic patriotic hunk and political analyst, Sangsar Abbasi, to give you this award!
Really? Sob, sob, weep, weep, sniff, sniff Im so happy.
Pious ladies and manly men, please welcome, Mr. Sangsar Abbasi!
Thank you. By the way, is there anyone in the audience still viewing YouTube?
Astaghfarullah! God forbid!
Good. What about liberal fascists?
Bluggghh!! Please, stop it.
Hmm. Any Muslims who arent Islamic-Muslims?
Of course not! Please finish your speech, already. I want my award.
Why wasnt anyone from the Lawyers community invited to the ceremony?
(Someone in the audience): Theyre busy showering rose petals on killers?
Mr. Warhead, I thought there werent any liberal fascists in the audience.
Oh, they must just be some Blackwater guys or Indian infiltrators. Well lynch them after the show. Please finish your speech.
Okay. Here it is. Half a kilo carrots; 1 kilo green chilies; 2 boxes of hair dye; 7 hey. This is the grocery list my boss at Peo TV gave me. Wheres my speech?
You get groceries for your boss?
Yes. So what?
Nothing.
You lucky bugger. All I do is get Dr. Warheads groceries and
Is that a problem?
Of course not, guru.
Did you dry-clean my lal topee?
Yes, guru.
Who took my speech?
I want my award. Now!
The awards mine!
General Bull, kindly sit down. Ive won the award, fair and square.
Wheres the damn speech?
The awards mine, you joker. I fought in the Afghan War. I toppled the Soviet Union. I planned the Kashmir jihad. I killed Darth Vader.
Please General Gul Bull, I also fought in the Afghan War, toppled the Soviet Union, planned the Kashmir jihad and killed Darth Vader. Whats more, I was trained by al-Yoda and am about to invade Bharat
(Someone from the audience): Yes, on Facebook!
Shut up, traitor!
Where the hells my speech?
Give me the award, give me the award !
Bluugghh!
ENOUGH!
Dr. Kadeem.
Yes!
The awards mine, Dr. Kadeem.
See, this is why the ungodly secular pro-drone liberal fascist scum are winning in Pakistan!
They are? I thought there were just 16 of them.
Sixteen are bad enough, fool. Look how just one of them defaced the honor of our beloved Pakistan by winning that imperialist statuette, Oscar, for a demeaning documentary on acid attacks on women.
True. It was all fake.
Yes, just like that Swat flogging video!
Yes. These 16 are winning because we patriotic Islamic-Muslims saviors of Islamic Republic and the ummah and the atom bum are fighting among ourselves on petty issues.
But, but, but Papa is a major award and it will help me get more and more likes on Facebook and further advance my march on Red Fort in New Delhi.
Commotion in the audience
Whats happening?
Guru, Maya Khurant just raided the hall!
I Maya. You immoral. This is an outrage! All the men and women in this hall are unmarried! Theyre all dating. Its against our cultural and religious customs. I am here to capture there immoral acts on camera.
Nice dress, Maya.
Thank you. Its designer stuff.
(Someone in the audience): Are you married to your cameraman?
No!
Then why are you roaming around with him?
Get him! I want shots of him and his girlfriend.
Thats my mom, fool!
Prove it!
Thats not designer stuff youre wearing.
It is!
Prove it!
Where the hells my Speech? Dr. Kadeem, please do something.
ENOUGH! Weve got such great patriots here. How will we be able to wipe-out liberal scum and Indian, American, British, Ahmadi agents, Shezan drinkers and Non-Islamic-Muslims if we continue fighting among ourselves over a small award?
You are right, Dr. Kadeem. We are sorry.
Thats true. Blughhh!
Maya, Dr. Aamir, General Bull and all the other nominees, please come up here and lets share the award together.
Guru.
What?
Theyre all here. But wheres Dr. Kadeem?
He was just right here Hey! Wheres the award?
