Official Jokes

[naveeddil]

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "CHRONIC OFFENDERS CATEGORY". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

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Here is one more…

One FRIEND WAS chatting with a female – Online chat.
(Background both are software engineers by the way and both work for real big Corporations)


Hero: Hey…GM (Good Morning)… How’s u doing today?

Female: VGM…Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow…am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep…me too feel the same…Brb (be right back)’ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk).

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it’s quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window…)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he’s kinda….. Keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work…. $*#&$@

Female: Yeah, it’s the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it’s real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero : hey, that’s a one-hour’s work. Sure check Urmail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM …!!

AND ONE MORE POINT…. YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!

 

[Evil Flare]

Zabardast

 

[Old School]

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a *** in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 

[Old School]

Murphy’s Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire – isn’t.
Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
Suppressive fires – won’t.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste
a bullet on you.
If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he’s ready and when your not
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short
All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
When your attack is going really well, its an ambush
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they’re ready. & when
you’re not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

 

[naveeddil]

Why you can't find a Job in USA – Amazing & Funny

Philip Martin started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Philip decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandal (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA...

 

[Hyde]

There is already one long dedicated thread for jokes. I really loved some of the jokes posted there

Please merge

 

[naveeddil]

​

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Dannete

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went...

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
…
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Dannete

 

[naveeddil]

There is already one long dedicated thread for jokes. I really loved some of the jokes posted there

Please merge

Dear, I have started this Thread because i wanted to add only OFFICIAL JOKES that happen daily in Offices or During service that employees face
Regards,

 

[Agni 5]

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "CHRONIC OFFENDERS CATEGORY". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

.
.
.
.
Here is one more…

One FRIEND WAS chatting with a female – Online chat.
(Background both are software engineers by the way and both work for real big Corporations)


Hero: Hey…GM (Good Morning)… How’s u doing today?

Female: VGM…Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow…am honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep…me too feel the same…Brb (be right back)’ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk).

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it’s quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window…)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he’s kinda….. Keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work…. $*#&$@

Female: Yeah, it’s the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it’s real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero : hey, that’s a one-hour’s work. Sure check Urmail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM …!!

AND ONE MORE POINT…. YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!

OMG.........