fatman17
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Pity the nation whose statesman is a fox,
whose philosopher is a juggler,
and whose art is the art of patching and mimicking.
Pity the nation that welcomes its new ruler with trumpeting,
and farewells him with hooting,
only to welcome another with trumpeting again.
Pity the nation whose sages are dumb with years
and whose strong men are yet in the cradle.
Pity the nation divided into into fragments,
each fragment deeming itself a nation
[Khalil Jibran]
*
*
*
Its raining awards*
Masood Hasan
Sunday, August 21, 2011
*
I cannot begin to explain to you the excitement thats gripped our household ever since the cabinet secretary called and said that the countrys highest civilian award had been conferred on our pet goat. She said this award was to recognise Billy (thats the goat) for her meritorious services rendered towards the state. She added in a voice choking with emotion, as we whooped with delight, that it was goats like Billy who performed remarkable and courageous public service in the face of extreme politico-social, economic and security challenges that threatened Pakistan. She said Billy was a shining example of what a goat could do and assured us that there was not a dry eye in the cabinet division when this award was announced.
We were later to learn that Billy was not the only goat that had been honoured thus, except that it was the only one with four legs. Amongst other trail-blazing goats which now run the country are such wonderful sons and daughters of the soil as the lady of benevolent funding, the comely Farzana Raja, chairperson of the Benazir Income Support Programme. Ms Raja whose Raj now spreads across every paisa of this fund (refund?), has declared that the BISP has supported her and her friends very well. A well-deserved Hilal-i-Imtiaz (not to be confused with Halal-i-Imtiaz), is now hers, Allah be praised. There are many others here but my doctor has strictly forbidden me to read their names. He thinks it could be life-threatening.
The Sitara-e-Imtiaz traded in at below par but is still good enough. Those listed here have achieved great glory for the motherland and made Pakistan the envy of the first world. As for the Nishan-e-Imtiaz the unfortunate Salman Taseer is belatedly and grudgingly honoured though the quality of such honour that comes from people who can neither spell the word nor understand what it means, remains dubious. However it is Salmans companions that make a grisly list. Here with him, cheek by jowl is Senate Chairman Farooq H Naek, National Assembly Speaker Fahmida Mirza who only speaks when it is in favour of her party and the indestructible Salman Faruqui about whom a film was made called, A man for all seasons.
Considering that he is over 120 years old, he is a living legend and proof that alien civilisations do exist. He has been known to saunter through scandals like magicians walking through doors. And of course my favourite man, the exterior minister, the one and only Mr Rehman Malik is here (here all the readers must join me in a generous round of applause). But then is this a surprise? The man is reportedly present at every disaster and this year the awards are nothing short of a disaster. Someone said that although the official notification is not out yet, he is now both interior & exterior minister the first in the world. He continues to serve Pakistan and his cook book is just about ready. The book will also feature accounts of his personal encounter with Martians, Jabba the Hut, Darth Vardar and other alien life forms.
There are other award winners but I cannot remember their names. After all remembering 185 winners is no joke although most Pakistanis are convinced it is a joke. People think that since these awards were constituted in 1957, the recipients now outnumber the entire population five to one. The armed forces awards so far dished out are rumoured to be enough to circle the globe twice. Perhaps one day, a Pakistani astronaut in a shalwar exposing ankles may be able to use these to climb to the moon. It is not a far-fetched idea at all. People in Islamabad say that since manufacturing and distribution of awards in now a recognised industry, the GOP must declare this to be so and give it a permanent tax holiday and ensure that retired generals only run the show.
Secondly the production levels must be raised as just 185 civilian awards and 2xxx armed forces awards for 2011 are simply not enough for a nation which was over 180 million till late last night. It should be the right of every citizen to receive an award even if he cannot receive an education.
However, the nation is disappointed in spite of the fact that both the president and the prime minister when not grovelling for more alms abroad keep taking it into confidence. Nishan-e-Pakistan to Masood Azhar and Hafiz Mohammad Saeed for valuable services in promoting the name of Pakistan and Islam, Nishan-e-Haider (as suggested by an irate Pakistani) to Osama bin Laden, Baitullah Mehsud and Ilyas Kashmiri, Sitara-e-Shujaat to Muslim Khan, Fazalullah, Sufi Mohammad and Hakimullah Mehsud, Sitara-e-Bisalat to Faqir Mohammad, Mangal Bagh. The Son of Islam, Mr Qadri, the pride and joy of Pakistan has not received an award for bravery
Mr Ijaz Butt (there I go butt for the Grace of God) has not received an award although the man single-handedly and without wearing an abdominal guard, has rendered meritorious services for Pakistan cricket. The gardeners of the Presidency and the PM Secretariat are ominously missing, as are the thousands of cooks, bearers, waiters, guards, sweepers, drivers, and misc. staff. Thanks God Sharmila airport slapper Farooqi made it proving that if you use honey instead of ink you can write your way into fame and fortune as did Babar Bhai or Babar Awam as he would like to be called. And Mr Abdul Hamid the Physics genius who last published a paper in the 1970s and has done no research except examine his navel also has an award.
Let us also thank that great woman Ms Sethi of the cabinet division who compiled and evaluated these awards. On the insistence of the entire GOP, she grudgingly accepted an award for herself. Her name and those of many others like her will long be remembered for the great services they performed for this wretched land. On 23 March at the Awards Qul we would have successfully dragged Pakistan through more shame and proven to the world that even slugs have more dignity than we have.
The writer is a Lahore-based columnist. Email: masoodhasan66@gmail.com
*
whose philosopher is a juggler,
and whose art is the art of patching and mimicking.
Pity the nation that welcomes its new ruler with trumpeting,
and farewells him with hooting,
only to welcome another with trumpeting again.
Pity the nation whose sages are dumb with years
and whose strong men are yet in the cradle.
Pity the nation divided into into fragments,
each fragment deeming itself a nation
[Khalil Jibran]
*
*
*
Its raining awards*
Masood Hasan
Sunday, August 21, 2011
*
I cannot begin to explain to you the excitement thats gripped our household ever since the cabinet secretary called and said that the countrys highest civilian award had been conferred on our pet goat. She said this award was to recognise Billy (thats the goat) for her meritorious services rendered towards the state. She added in a voice choking with emotion, as we whooped with delight, that it was goats like Billy who performed remarkable and courageous public service in the face of extreme politico-social, economic and security challenges that threatened Pakistan. She said Billy was a shining example of what a goat could do and assured us that there was not a dry eye in the cabinet division when this award was announced.
We were later to learn that Billy was not the only goat that had been honoured thus, except that it was the only one with four legs. Amongst other trail-blazing goats which now run the country are such wonderful sons and daughters of the soil as the lady of benevolent funding, the comely Farzana Raja, chairperson of the Benazir Income Support Programme. Ms Raja whose Raj now spreads across every paisa of this fund (refund?), has declared that the BISP has supported her and her friends very well. A well-deserved Hilal-i-Imtiaz (not to be confused with Halal-i-Imtiaz), is now hers, Allah be praised. There are many others here but my doctor has strictly forbidden me to read their names. He thinks it could be life-threatening.
The Sitara-e-Imtiaz traded in at below par but is still good enough. Those listed here have achieved great glory for the motherland and made Pakistan the envy of the first world. As for the Nishan-e-Imtiaz the unfortunate Salman Taseer is belatedly and grudgingly honoured though the quality of such honour that comes from people who can neither spell the word nor understand what it means, remains dubious. However it is Salmans companions that make a grisly list. Here with him, cheek by jowl is Senate Chairman Farooq H Naek, National Assembly Speaker Fahmida Mirza who only speaks when it is in favour of her party and the indestructible Salman Faruqui about whom a film was made called, A man for all seasons.
Considering that he is over 120 years old, he is a living legend and proof that alien civilisations do exist. He has been known to saunter through scandals like magicians walking through doors. And of course my favourite man, the exterior minister, the one and only Mr Rehman Malik is here (here all the readers must join me in a generous round of applause). But then is this a surprise? The man is reportedly present at every disaster and this year the awards are nothing short of a disaster. Someone said that although the official notification is not out yet, he is now both interior & exterior minister the first in the world. He continues to serve Pakistan and his cook book is just about ready. The book will also feature accounts of his personal encounter with Martians, Jabba the Hut, Darth Vardar and other alien life forms.
There are other award winners but I cannot remember their names. After all remembering 185 winners is no joke although most Pakistanis are convinced it is a joke. People think that since these awards were constituted in 1957, the recipients now outnumber the entire population five to one. The armed forces awards so far dished out are rumoured to be enough to circle the globe twice. Perhaps one day, a Pakistani astronaut in a shalwar exposing ankles may be able to use these to climb to the moon. It is not a far-fetched idea at all. People in Islamabad say that since manufacturing and distribution of awards in now a recognised industry, the GOP must declare this to be so and give it a permanent tax holiday and ensure that retired generals only run the show.
Secondly the production levels must be raised as just 185 civilian awards and 2xxx armed forces awards for 2011 are simply not enough for a nation which was over 180 million till late last night. It should be the right of every citizen to receive an award even if he cannot receive an education.
However, the nation is disappointed in spite of the fact that both the president and the prime minister when not grovelling for more alms abroad keep taking it into confidence. Nishan-e-Pakistan to Masood Azhar and Hafiz Mohammad Saeed for valuable services in promoting the name of Pakistan and Islam, Nishan-e-Haider (as suggested by an irate Pakistani) to Osama bin Laden, Baitullah Mehsud and Ilyas Kashmiri, Sitara-e-Shujaat to Muslim Khan, Fazalullah, Sufi Mohammad and Hakimullah Mehsud, Sitara-e-Bisalat to Faqir Mohammad, Mangal Bagh. The Son of Islam, Mr Qadri, the pride and joy of Pakistan has not received an award for bravery
Mr Ijaz Butt (there I go butt for the Grace of God) has not received an award although the man single-handedly and without wearing an abdominal guard, has rendered meritorious services for Pakistan cricket. The gardeners of the Presidency and the PM Secretariat are ominously missing, as are the thousands of cooks, bearers, waiters, guards, sweepers, drivers, and misc. staff. Thanks God Sharmila airport slapper Farooqi made it proving that if you use honey instead of ink you can write your way into fame and fortune as did Babar Bhai or Babar Awam as he would like to be called. And Mr Abdul Hamid the Physics genius who last published a paper in the 1970s and has done no research except examine his navel also has an award.
Let us also thank that great woman Ms Sethi of the cabinet division who compiled and evaluated these awards. On the insistence of the entire GOP, she grudgingly accepted an award for herself. Her name and those of many others like her will long be remembered for the great services they performed for this wretched land. On 23 March at the Awards Qul we would have successfully dragged Pakistan through more shame and proven to the world that even slugs have more dignity than we have.
The writer is a Lahore-based columnist. Email: masoodhasan66@gmail.com
*
