I do not think my female friends should come back to Pakistan

[Solomon2]

I do not think my female friends should come back to Pakistan
By Abbas Shahid Published: February 25, 2016

More than a few friends of mine and indeed my sister faced a lot of readjustment issues when they got back into our highly patriarchal society where being a girl is harder than it is in many parts of the world.

“It is hard being back. It’s like every decision I make is not my own. I cannot even walk on the streets or go out late without my mom worrying. And do not even get me started on the questions I face about my marriage plans.”​

These words from my friend, who recently returned from her graduate degree in the UK, have become a recurring theme in my conversations with all my female friends going back home to Pakistan after living abroad.

I currently happen to live in New York, with quite a few graduate students from Pakistan. And I do not want any friend of mine, who had the fortune of being born a girl, to go back to Pakistan once they complete their degree.

Why?

Because most people in my country either hate them or do not care about them. I shall explain in just a minute.

Having lived in New York for the last two years, I am often reminded by relatives that I must come back soon to avoid the vices of this evil city that they have seen on TV. Drinking, sex, vulgarity, shamelessness – what could be worse? And even before coming here, I have wanted to give people the same answer: Us. We are worse. In fact, this place is great.

If people back home get off the self-righteous pedestal they put themselves on, and stop judging everything through their own religion, they would realise that shamelessness, vulgarity and a bunch of other scary words that we throw around are quite subjective. What is not subjective is what our nation is rife with; hypocrisy, corruption, extreme intolerance, sexual abuse, extreme societal pressures, violence, and the hatred for our women. I am not saying New York is perfect. It has more than its share of problems. All I am saying is, we are no one to point fingers.

Now that I am done with my rant, I shall explain.

More than a few friends of mine and indeed my sister faced a lot of readjustment issues when they got back into our highly patriarchal society where being a girl is harder than it is in many parts of the world.

In itself, the idea of not being able to freely walk around without being ogled or groped at is greatly dismaying. And the many people who call this a third world problem should imagine creepy outsiders invading their homes and forcing them to stay in their rooms, living that way for the rest of their lives, and only venturing out in groups.

Still a third world problem or is our country not our home?

Another friend of mine who is about to go back, much to her disappointment, already has her family lining up suitors for her to marry as soon as possible, without even her consent or consultation.

Another friend of mine who has always lived in Pakistan was constantly bombarded with pressure to have a child as soon as she got married.

One friend was ecstatic because she got admitted into a PhD program in the US and would soon escape a place where her every action is constantly judged by the society. And honestly, I worry for all my friends headed home this year. Such is our culture, I am not even sure if they will be allowed to meet their male friends, although that is the last of their worries at the moment.

Then there are those, both in New York and Pakistan, who keep reminding me how Pakistan is a much better place to raise a family. And every time I ask why, I am reminded of the fahashat (vulgarity) and lack of religion in America which would be bad for our children to grow up in. That makes me laugh.

Only a nation as shameless as ours can point towards other and call them fahash (vulgar). If we talk about religion, I do not know what religion we follow in Pakistan. Maybe a very mutilated version of what we call Islam, because Islam does not teach us to become the suffocating and intolerant society that we have become. And would our children be not better off away from the hypocrisy and harmful societal pressures of Pakistan, and would our children not be happier having been taught that you are free to make your choices, study your religion and have open discussions as you please?

Would we, as future parents, not be at much more ease away from a place that has rampant child sexual abuse from strangers, relatives, teachers and those we call ‘qaris’ (reciters of the Holy Quran/ religious teachers)?

Would we not be more at ease knowing that our female relatives are protected by law against sexual harassment and rape, as opposed to laws that indirectly condone them? So, I ask again, why would I want any girl I care about to move back to Pakistan when most there so clearly hate them?

By official United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation (UNSECO) figures, over 3.3 million girls were out of school in 2013. Two-thirds of our 50 million illiterate adults are women. Pakistan was the 10th worstcountry for female employment in 2011 according to International Labor Organisation.

In short, we educate women lesser than men, pay them lesser for the same jobs, give them lesser mobility and freedom, force them to marry due to societal pressures, curtail their decision making in something as personal as having a child, and constantly remind them that homemaking is their primary purpose in life. Who was claiming that we do not hate our beloved daughters?

As my graduate degree comes to an end and I plan on coming back, I wish my female counterparts did not have to. I also wish that those who are stuck in Pakistan had the option of travelling abroad and making the choice themselves. My people do not seem to care about their ‘daughters’. And unless we realise the role each one of us plays in perpetuating the status quo, whether that is through abuse, oppression or poondi which roughly translates into objectification of women, we shall keep failing not only as a state but as people.

Abbas Shahid
The author is a Marketing student at New York University and a LUMS graduate. He has worked in a host of different industries including education, corporate, research and non-profit. He travels, debates and does photography in his free time. He tweets at @abbasshahid_ (twitter.com/abbasshahid_)

 

[rockstar08]

like there is no sexual Harassment in UK or USA ?

its like the saying goes , " Ulta chor kootwaal pe bhonkay "

 

[waleed3601]

unfortunately except for some pockets like lahore or islamabad or dha/clifton in karachi the rest of pakistan is very intolerant towards women in public. this regressive mindset is a result of over a decade of oppressive zia rule and patronization of patriarchy. hopefully women can reclaim public spaces someday.
though i disagree with author that they shouldn't come back. they should come back, and be the change needed to prevent such opinions from existing in the future.

 

[Areesh]

unfortunately except for some pockets like lahore or islamabad or dha/clifton in karachi the rest of pakistan is very intolerant towards women in public. this regressive mindset is a result of over a decade of oppressive zia rule and patronization of patriarchy. hopefully women can reclaim public spaces someday.
though i disagree with author that they shouldn't come back. they should come back, and be the change needed to prevent such opinions from existing in the future.

What do you mean by intolerant? Do they kill a woman whenever they see her in public. Then why do I see women daily going for jobs etc in areas like FB area, Gulshan or Gulistan?

 

[JamD]

What do you mean by intolerant? Do they kill a woman whenever they see her in public. Then why do I see women daily going for jobs etc in areas like FB area, Gulshan or Gulistan?

Recently a female friend of mine was at a food festival in Lahore. Even though she was with a group of 6 other females they were harassed, followed, one of them inappropriately touched by groups of young boys who probably think this is good fun. And don't you dare this is not common in Pakistan. I am afraid for my sister or my wife going out to these places. And I can say from personal experience it is NOT like this in America. Sure sexual harassment is still there but here it is a SERIOUS SERIOUS crime. In Pakistan it is past time for most young boys. Sorry.

EDIT: Also please ask these women you talk of, what kind of harassment they go through each day and there is nothing they can do but bear it because that's the society we are.

 

[VCheng]

I do not think my female friends should come back to Pakistan

As if that is a viable choice for most. They may want to stay, but can they, legally? Hence, they must return to where they came from. The law is the law. Besides, those who do have that legal choice may wish to go back and enjoy the culture in all its manifestations. That is also their right.

 

[insight-out]

unfortunately except for some pockets like lahore or islamabad or dha/clifton in karachi the rest of pakistan is very intolerant towards women in public. this regressive mindset is a result of over a decade of oppressive zia rule and patronization of patriarchy. hopefully women can reclaim public spaces someday.
though i disagree with author that they shouldn't come back. they should come back, and be the change needed to prevent such opinions from existing in the future.

While Zia ul Haq had many flaws, I find it lazy and naive for people to blame him for everything wrong in our culture. The injustices in our society faced by women, people of ethnic and religious minorities, lower income groups, the handicapped, the old, etc. are a result of deep seated ignorance, selfishness, apathy and prejudice.

The intellectual, political and religious leadership has not only failed to eradicate these ills, but in many cases have actively promoted them. Blaming one leader, even if he was a military dictator is an over simplification of the problem, and simply an attempt to find a scapegoat.

 

[Mav3rick]

Recently a female friend of mine was at a food festival in Lahore. Even though she was with a group of 6 other females they were harassed, followed, one of them inappropriately touched by groups of young boys who probably think this is good fun. And don't you dare this is not common in Pakistan. I am afraid for my sister or my wife going out to these places. And I can say from personal experience it is NOT like this in America. Sure sexual harassment is still there but here it is a SERIOUS SERIOUS crime. In Pakistan it is past time for most young boys. Sorry.

EDIT: Also please ask these women you talk of, what kind of harassment they go through each day and there is nothing they can do but bear it because that's the society we are.

I must request you to stop posting BS, especially when it is produced out of thin air!!

As if that is a viable choice for most. They may want to stay, but can they, legally? Hence, they must return to where they came from. The law is the law. Besides, those who do have that legal choice may wish to go back and enjoy the culture in all its manifestations. That is also their right.

If the message of your post is to politely state that we all are free to do as please, as long as it is legal.....including living in or out of Pakistan, then I fully support your statement.

 

[Solomon2]

As if that is a viable choice for most. They may want to stay, but can they, legally?

There are a number of ways foreign students can remain in America after their studies are over: marrying an American, enlisting in the armed forces, special skills work permits, etc.- all are on the track to U.S. citizenship. But yes, some students, for example children of diplomats, have to leave the U.S. at the end of their studies.

...those who do have that legal choice may wish to go back and enjoy the culture in all its manifestations. That is also their right.

I know one Pakistani-American who pops back every year or so, probably for that very reason.

 

[litman]

stupid article. the highest rate of crime against women such as rape are in the western countries.

 

[pak-marine]

once any one has experienced west sane females even males should never return else they will remain confused as fck .. unless one can bendover backwards and mould as dictated by the pakistani society says if NOT better off staying abroad

 

[JonAsad]

Every one knows some one who knows some girl who has been harassed - it happens all over the world - even uncle @Solomon2 knows some one in his part of the world i am sure -

 

[Solomon2]

Every one knows some one who knows some girl who has been harassed - it happens all over the world -

...Would we not be more at ease knowing that our female relatives are protected by law against sexual harassment and rape, as opposed to laws that indirectly condone them?....​

 

[Ocelot]

I think his main rant is about the lack of individual freedom in Pakistan, and here he's true. Fortunately or unfortunately, Pakistanis are born to serve their parents and that's that.

Things like sexual harassment exist in every country. As for the unemployment, there aren't many jobs for the male population either, as Pakistan is an extremely small Job market. So naturally many females would be unemployed as well.

 

[CHI RULES]

Recently a female friend of mine was at a food festival in Lahore. Even though she was with a group of 6 other females they were harassed, followed, one of them inappropriately touched by groups of young boys who probably think this is good fun. And don't you dare this is not common in Pakistan. I am afraid for my sister or my wife going out to these places. And I can say from personal experience it is NOT like this in America. Sure sexual harassment is still there but here it is a SERIOUS SERIOUS crime. In Pakistan it is past time for most young boys. Sorry.

EDIT: Also please ask these women you talk of, what kind of harassment they go through each day and there is nothing they can do but bear it because that's the society we are.

How many women are rapped in USA pls get some knowledge and then show sorry attitude. The article shows point of view of burger families. I have traveled and interacted with people from all provinces of Pak and they have much respect for women. I have spend many years in Lahore apart from few instances only those girls are harassed who wanted to be harassed.